Misery Business

This is based off the song "Misery Business" by Paramore. I don't in any way own that song, it belongs to the amazing people at Fueled by Ramen and Paramore
It's rated PG-13 for language.

I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass that's tickin' like a clock
It's a matter of time before we all run out...
When I thought he was mine, she caught him by the mouth

I waited eight long months, she finally set him free
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me
Two weeks and we'd caught on fire
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile

Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now
But God does it feels so good
'Cause I got him where I want him now
And if you could then you know you would
'Cause God it just feels so...
It just feels so good

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more, I'm sorry that'll never change
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged
I'm sorry honey, but I passed it up, now look this way!

Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,
They want and what they like, it's "easy if you do it right"

Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

(Chorus)

I watched his wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving you
Just watch my wildest dreams come true
Not one of them involving...

(Chorus)


Have you ever met a person that is so annoying that when you hear their voice all you want to do is wring their neck? Or when ever you see them you just want to hit them because they make you so angry? My high school is full of them. The stupid bitches with their designer hand bags and perfectly primped hair and ‘I’m better than the world’ attitudes. They could also be known as the exact opposite of me.

My friends and I are the lepers of our school. We’re the ones that are weird and different and everyone is slightly afraid of. Honestly, I could care less. I don’t go for the ridiculous designer crap or the eight hours spent in front of the mirror putting on twenty thousand pounds of makeup. I’m more of the skinny jeans, indie rock, bright red hair kind of girl.

A couple of years ago my friends and I started a band called Addix. I sing lead and play guitar, my ultimate die-hard bff, Circe plays the piano, Christian plays the bass, his best friend Danny plays the drums and Danny’s brother, Sebastian, plays the guitar.

Sebastian and I dated for three years. It was a good three years, but you can’t date a member of your band, it will only end badly. So for the good of the band we split up.

Enter Lyndsey. Head Bitch of the Bitch Brigade.

She never gave any of us a glance until suddenly Sebastian was single and therefore her next boyfriend. She used her crazy brain washing powers to melt his soul and make him forget that she was a Bitch. No reasoning power could sway him now.

“She’s really not that bad if you get to know her.” He would say all innocently.

I could have punched him.

Operation “Kill the Bitch” would now begin.

Lyndsey is the kind of girl that from a glance makes you think they have an eating disorder. Hey, she probably does but whatever. The Bitch Brigade sits in the middle of the lunch room and all their lowly subjects have to circle around them. They don’t actually eat lunch; they just sit and talk about how fat they are. Please someone gag me.

The whole Lyndsey and Sebastian thing really didn’t work out to well for me. As I about it, the whole being away from him really wasn’t working out to well for me either. He was perfect, my other half, and now in the hands of Head Bitch. Literally the fifth day they were going out she made out with him at a stupid pep assembly. Normally he would have sat with me and the rest of the band and we would have all made fun of the ridiculousness of the entire thing. But no. Lynsdey couldn’t bear to sit by us and it’s not like we were going to go sit by her. So I had to sit across the gym from him and watch her plant her disgusting diseased lips all over him. I could have punched her.

They stayed together for eight months. Eight freaking months! What he ever saw in her is a complete and utter mystery to me. I don’t know what they did in those eight months and I honestly could care less. By the end of it I was so mad and him, and her, I couldn’t even look at them.

Finally the day came when he told me he had had enough. “Cassidy, I’m so sorry.” He began. “I didn’t see…I didn’t realize how dumb I’ve been…and how much I’ve probably hurt you.”

I could hardly bear to look at him.

“I can’t do it anymore Cassidy. She doesn’t make me happy, she doesn’t make feel good about myself, I have no idea why I’ve stuck around for so long. She’s completely jealous of you because she thinks I still like you and I haven’t had any idea on how to get away. I’m over it though. I’m breaking up with her.”

Finally the words I had been waiting so long to hear. I could finally look at him.

“It’s over Cassidy. She means nothing to me. You mean everything. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me I would love the chance.”

How can you say no to that?

“Sebastian, you know you’re the only one for me.” I smiled.

And thus, the Bitch had been slain. But I was no where close to being done.

It took two weeks for us to get back together after that conversation. He wanted to wait so he didn’t appear rude. Oh how kind. Niceties on the Head Bitch.

Whatever, he was still mine.

It became somewhat of a game. Whenever I saw Lyndsey or one of her little minions in the hall they would just glare. I can’t help myself in situations like this. I would just smile at them and pull Sebastian closer.

I’ve never been one for the supreme bragging over what I have that you want, but this is the ultimate exception. I had what the Head Bitch wanted and boy did that ever feel awesome. It was time for her to learn that you don’t always get whatever you want, especially one of my friends.

The best part was her face. The face that said ‘he was mine and I lost him and I want him back more than anything’. It made me so happy I just felt like doing a forever running victory dance.

Part two “Operation Kill the Bitch” would now begin. It was a little something I liked to call, Rub. It. In. Her. Stupid. Made-up. Dumb-ass. Face.

I looked forward to it.

After the first month of Sebastian and I dating the death stares stopped. She even had the audacity to talk to me after school. No one was around to witness the event because what a horrible thing that would be if someone caught her talking to me.

She looked all sad and upset but there was no way I was buying that stupid act. “OMG, Cassidy, you just have to forgive me. Sebastian is all I can think about! I’m in love with him! Please just break up with him and give me your blessing to date him. I think we would be an amazing couple but he won’t give me a chance because you won’t. I promise I’ll be really good to him and I won’t let it interfere with the band or anything.” I think she actually thought I was going to buy this.

Hell. No.

I tried; I really did, to keep my temper. It took every ounce of my moral conscience not to slap her. Some things just need to be said though. “Alright, Lyndsey, I’m only going to say this once, and after I do, I don’t ever want to see you hanging around my boyfriend again. Okay? Did your stupid little brain get all of that?” I spoke as if she were three. “You’re a Bitch. You will always be a Bitch. Nothing you do, or say will ever change that. You’re also a complete whore.”
She looked at me like this was complete news to her.

“Oh, don’t even act all innocent. It’s not like it’s some kind of secret. You’re a whore, you know it, and nothing you do will ever change that. I know you probably think I should just give into you and automatically except your ridiculous request, but that’s just not happening. Why the hell would I ever let my best friend date a whore and a bitch who never gave any of us a look before you realized he was single? You’re just like everyone else. All sweet and innocent looking to draw the poor guys in and then you brainwash them into thinking you’re something amazing when really you’re just a stuck up Bitch who just wants to get some! You think I’m going to just stand by and let you come in and ruin everything I have built for myself?! You think I’m just going to let you ruin my best friend?!” I paused to take a breath. “This is exactly what he wants. He doesn’t want you. He never wanted you. He wanted to make me jealous. He only ever wanted me. I’m all he cares about, not you. You don’t care about him. You care about pissing me off. I care about him, he cares about me. You’re not in the picture so stay out.” With that final note I walked away, leaving Bitch Lyndsey standing dead in her tracks with her mouth literally open. I tried not to smile.

Really, I didn’t mean to rub it in her face and brag about it, but he’s mine, not hers, and I feel entitled to that right. Man, it just felt too good to bitch her out though, it was too fun. It was too fun to get him away from her and too fun to rub it in her face.

I joined Sebastian at the end of the parking lot and took his arm. As we walked to his car I glanced back at Lyndsey, slowly making her way to the other side of the campus, and glancing at us every now and then, jealously plastered all over her face.

Sebastian saw it too and leaned down to kiss me.

It was all just too good.

First of all, the whole posting the entire song lyrics at the beginning was a real turn-off. Maybe put bits and pieces in the body of the story, instead of putting it all in a big glump at the start.

Second, the idea of a girl taking revenge on an ex is not new, and, to me, it isn't really entertaining. It's just uncontrolled anger and impulsive acts.

Third, this was well written, but I think you can do better.

OVERALL: Good job. Can't say I love it, but I definitely don't hate it, either.

Cheers.

This is based off the song "Misery Business" by Paramore. I don't in any way own that song, it belongs to the amazing people at Fueled by Ramen and Paramore

^^ Might want to post a link to the lyrics then, rather than putting the whole song at the beginning. Definitely makes the story mean more to the reader if they know the song, but making them swim through it first might not be the best way to approach that. You might be able to get away with the first stanza, but you don't really want to put more than that in any one spot in the story. I'll leave it to you to decide what to do. Now that I’ve gone and started the critique with something bad and given you a sinking feeling, let’s get on with to good stuff so we can get rid of it.

Have you ever met a person that is so annoying that when you hear their voice all you want to do is wring their neck?

Nice beginning. Questions, if used well, are a nice touch when it comes to drawing the reader in or snapping up their attention. Well done.

As I about it, the whole being away from him really wasn’t working out to well for me either.

“As I think” maybe?

“OMG, Cassidy, you just have to forgive me.

Er, “Oh my God” or “Oh my gosh” right? Unless she actually says the letters, but then you might want to make note of that. If so, that’s a pretty neat bit of characterization, but if not, it’s still good. Either way, we get a sense of how Ms. B. is. Assuming, that is, that she really said all that. The way it’s worded is a bit confusing… did she really say that, or is that just how Cassidy translated it, or imagines it?

All sweet and innocent looking to draw the poor guys in and then you brainwash them into thinking you’re something amazing when really you’re just a stuck up Bitch who just wants to get some!

Used as a name, capitals are fine. Used as it is here, it needs to be lowercase.

You think I’m going to just stand by and let you come in and ruin everything I have built for myself?! You think I’m just going to let you ruin my best friend?!”

Eh, not such a fan of the double punctuation marks. You can get away with it once, maybe, in an entire novel, but even then it jars the reader. It’s almost like… cheating? If they’re yelling the question, show us with their words that set the tone, or tell us if you have to. But double punctuation… neh.

As a whole, the story was interesting. Got some pretty good stuff here, just needs to be polished up a bit. If you ever do anything with it, throw a PM my way and I’ll take a look at it.

Have you ever met a person that is so annoying that when you hear their voice all you want to do is wring their neck?

That`s a great way to start!!!!


It was all just too good.

That`s a good way to end.

The middle Is just as great as the begining and end. However, it does need a little bit of work. Perhaps you could tell us a little bit about what happens in the eight months that he is dating the Head Bitch?

Other then that (and a few grammer mistakes that others have already jumped on)

its good.

Pm for your next writing- I enjoyed this little piece and would love to read more!

Haha. I have been in this exact situation.

Good job! It was really interesting. You made Cassidy a really strong character (I see her clearly, the band, red hair, kind of a social outcast). The only thing is that after the story, I kind of ended up hating her. This is just my opinion but I would have liked the last scene better if instead of Cassidy yelling at Lyndsey, she had been fake nice (like, "Oh, Lyndsey, I TOTALLY get where you're coming from, but unfortunately I JUST don't think I can manage that" or something). If you keep it the way it is, that's great, but it gets a little repetitive.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, but those have been mentioned already.

Anyway, keep writing! I enjoyed this.

I really like that story, and I really liked your first line, captivating. I do think, however, that your first two paragraphs could be a little less, er, straight-forward:

Have you ever met a person that is so annoying that when you hear their voice all you want to do is wring their neck? Or when ever you see them you just want to hit them because they make you so angry? My high school is full of them. The stupid bitches with their designer hand bags and perfectly primped hair and ‘I’m better than the world’ attitudes. They could also be known as the exact opposite of me.


My friends and I are the lepers of our school. We’re the ones that are weird and different and everyone is slightly afraid of. Honestly, I could care less. I don’t go for the ridiculous designer crap or the eight hours spent in front of the mirror putting on twenty thousand pounds of makeup. I’m more of the skinny jeans, indie rock, bright red hair kind of girl.

It just sounds like you are giving your characters and plot too much of a stereotype, people won't want to read on. If you keep all of that information exactly and kind of spread it out, or be a little less 'right-to-the-point'--it feels like an info dump--it would make the story seem much more original, because I really, really liked the story. Of course, don't put useless information to make it less to-the-point, that's not good, maybe put some of the information in the story rather than in the 'introduction.'

I hope that helps

I love this song, but the story doesn't really portray how Paramore maturely dealt with the problem. I think that this could have been done better. Also, the characters seem to act superficial on both sides. You can't really tell which side is good or evil at one point. Make that self-evident to the reader so they can know the point you are trying to get across. It's very good and I enjoyed reading it. Actually, I had the song stuck in my head afterwards.