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Young Writers Society


Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail



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Gender: Male
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Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:11 am
Trident says...



“Come on, baby, no delays. We gotta get out of here real quick!” Diego stood in place in the doorway; a pale-faced girl was sitting on the end of a sofa staring at the wall.

Diego sighed and closed the door. He tiptoed over to the girl and grabbed her by the arm. “Let’s go!”

She looked at him in confusion, her eyes glossy. She tried to kiss him.

He pulled back. “Come on! We can a have good flirt later!”

Again he tried to take her by the arm, but she merely shrugged him off and cast her glare on the same spot on the wall.

Diego looked to where she was glaring. There was nothing interesting to look at; she was staring at a blank wall.

“Baby, there’s no more waiting. Imagine if anybody were to walk in right now. We’d be done for. Over. You know that.”

She turned to him again. It was as if she didn’t know him anymore.

“On three, baby. We’ll go on three. It’s just like your momma used to do. Ready? One… Two…”

She didn’t budge.

“Three, baby. Come on now. Let’s go.”

A loud thump came from the apartment next door. Diego thought he could hear a television in the distance.

“I’ll leave you here!” he said desperately. “I’ll leave you for them to get!”

The girl let out a wail and started crying. She laid her arms on her knees, and tucked her face into her arms.

“Oh, baby…I didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t do that, honest. Come on now, let’s get out of here. We need to go before anyone shows up.”

The girl wouldn’t lift her face from her lap and she kept crying.

“You don’t want to be here when they show up, do you? You don’t want us to be here? The cops are coming, baby! They’re on their way and we gotta get outta here or we’ll go to jail. Understand me? You’ll go to jail!”

The threat nudged her out of her arms and the girl nodded. She tried to stand, but had to catch Diego’s hand in order to keep her balance. She looked down at her foot.

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry about that. That couldn’t be helped. We’ll wash that right out once we get home. But you gotta take that shoe off, baby. We can’t let them know your shoeprint. That’s right. You gotta take it off. There you go. The other one too. That’s my girl. Hold on to those for me.”

The girl appeared resolute now and took a deep breath. She took a step forward and landed on a man’s finger. Her foot had on only a sock and she shrieked with pure revulsion. She retreated toward the sofa.

“Oh, baby, no-no-no-no. We can’t sit back down. Come here. Yeah, come on now. You can do it. Here now, grab my hand. Step over it, now. That’s my girl. Just step over it.”

The girl nearly jumped over the dead man’s body and reached Diego on the other side.

“Perfect! You did it, baby, you did it. I knew you could, all along. You did wonderfully.”

Her glossy stare turned into a sort of appreciation. She smiled as if everything were already in the distance. She tried to kiss him again.

“You know, if we were really dating, this would be the part where I’d be forced to kiss you,” he said. “But we gotta keep on moving, baby. Hard part’s over. Think you can make it to the door now?”

The girl nodded.

“All right, let’s go.” Diego had to hold the girl up as she was tumbling every which way. She couldn’t walk by herself and the scare she’d had had only made things worse.

“Almost there now--”

Diego heard the unmistakable sound of someone climbing the stairs.

“Oh shit, baby, you hear that? Quiet now. Someone’s coming.”

The two stood silent, the girl’s nose resting on his earlobe. She was breathing down the side of his cheek. The steps grew louder, but soon dissipated. The walker kept walking.

“All right now. Time to go. We’re at the door now.”

They made it out the door and to the car, the girl carrying her shoes the whole way. Diego struggled to open the door for her, and when it finally came undone, she threw her shoes onto the floor and stumbled in. He shut the door and hurried to the driver’s side. He started the car and they were off.

“That was great, baby. That was real great. Exactly what we needed.”

Diego looked suspiciously at the few cars they passed, but he suspected they were far enough away to be in the clear. He smiled at the girl who looked unsure of what had just happened.

“I know you’re probably too messed up right now to know what I’m saying, but I’m proud of you, baby. You did it. You let us do what we needed to do.”

The girl looked at her hand smeared with blood.

“That’s from your shoes, baby. Don’t worry about that. It’ll come right off.”

She tried to wipe it on her jeans, but not all the blood came off. She gave up.

“It was like justice, you know? Perfect justice. His death was deserved. We were the righteous and he the sinful.”

The girl dug her nails into Diego’s fist. The steering wheel shifted as he fought her off.

“What’s the matter with you! Damn.” He sucked on the blood on his fist before patting her leg. “It’s an interpretation. Just an interpretation, baby. Nothing more. I know you liked the guy, but you knew it had to happen. Right?”

She sat quietly and nodded.

“All right, then. I don’t want anymore of that stuff.”

Within an hour, the girl was asleep. Diego drove on, happy that he could at last reflect on his own thoughts.
Perception is everything.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:26 pm
kurosakka says...



Your story intrigues me I wonder what happened that lead to someone commiting murder. You make wonder what happened. I might even write my own ending to just learn what happened :lol: I also wonder what lead them to all of it. What their past is I really would like to know 8)
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:40 pm
Isabella says...



I found this plot very captivating.

You make good use of contrasts in the characters' attitudes to indicate the different perceptions of one situation. Diego's diction, especially when he refers to her as "baby" is very condescending. Diego's syntax demonstrates the tension in his tone by use of constant exclamation marks. This you contrast with the absence of speech in the girl. The continuous reference to blood imagery is also very power, especially as you compare the blood in the floor to the blood that won't come off the girl's hands to the blood emerging from the bite in Diego's hands.

I loved the story!!!
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:54 pm
Isabella says...



Oh... another thing. I think that adding that last line, in conjunction with the title, is a great way to clarify any doubts the reader might have had.
  





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Sun Mar 09, 2008 2:30 am
Emerson says...



Ah! I am so angry. I wrote up my critique last night, but then my internet decided to quit working. So, without further interruptions, my critique!

Diego stood [s]in place[/s] in the doorway


Her foot had on only a sock and she shrieked with pure revulsion.
The beginning part of this sentence seems bumpy to me. I think it is the "had on only" part, I'm not entirely sure.

and the scare she’d had had only made things worse.
Haha, this looks really strange. She'd can be taken apart to be "she had". So... "She had had had" It makes sense grammatically, but it looks weird?

This was good, but not satisfying enough. Good writing doesn't make something good, it still needs substance. So, is the girl on drugs? I would love to know more about them. I would also like to know more about why everything is happening. Perhaps not concrete answers, but hints. Something. More description would help to bring the characters to life. Diego's dialogue helps flesh him out, but since he is the only one speaking, it's hard to picture the girl. Honestly, I thought she might be mentally retarded, but what Diego said makes me think she is just on drugs? I think if you fleshed the characters out more, and where they are, it would help the story a lot. It's for Cal's contest, I can tell, and the dialogue works (I only caught it as Cal's through a quote I recognized) but I think this needs more than action and dialogue. It needs something else to stand on.

Hope this helps!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:36 am
Areida says...



Hey Trident!

Sorry it's taken me a thousand and one nights to get to reading and commenting on your tale (haha, get it? two shakes of a lamb's tail - tale? get it? hahahhaa *is totally not lame*), but I'm here now!

I read this twice, but I'm still iffy on the whole thing. It lacks something, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is. I think Suzanne hit on it very precisely, though: it needs more than dialogue and action. Clearly, something's going on here, but the motivation is so nonexistent that I can't really connect. Dialogue is great, description flows magnificently, but without purpose, without intent, the piece falls flat.

Is there another part?
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
  








Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand