Young Writers Society

For Cal's romance contest. I'm not entirely sure I trust myself in the first person. Oh, and the underlined words are the prompts used.

041. The Apple of my Eye

I ran away from home when leaves were hanging to trees by their last vein. Actually, it was more like walking away from home, because I look stupid when I run. Everyone looks stupid when they run. So I kept walking because mom had come home drunk with a disease and all dad could do was hold a bat and swing.

When I saw her sitting outside, I was glad I had left. She was an Angel, sitting on her porch steps and cleaning apples. I didn’t know her, but I wanted to believe she was waiting for me. Her house was all rot wood and rural; I knew it was safer than mine. I wanted to talk to her because, as I walked closer and saw the dimples in her cheeks and the way her eyebrows curved, I knew her voice would be more beautiful than her face. I wanted the caress of her voice to heal me.

She looked up because I made a noise. It was awkward. I was trying to speak, but the words sounded like cat screams. My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

I saw her eyes for the first time: green with flecks of gold. When she blinked, I felt my soul shudder. I didn’t want her to blink because I always wanted to see her eyes. The small gold flecks made everything else easier.

“How can I help you, Ma’am?”

The muscles in my shoulders relaxed; I was right. Before a better excuse could be made, I said, “I’m lost.”

She giggled. “Nice to meet you, Lost. I’m Found.”

The trees around us shivered and filled our silence with the sound of dancing leaves. I tried to think of what to say next, but there was nothing. I bit my lip and wondered if she was a human lie detector.

“I think I know you.” She set down her apple. “D’you go to the high school here?”

I slipped my hands into my pockets because I couldn’t stop fidgeting. I wanted to curl my bangs around my finger, bite my nails, pick at my cuticles, anything to vent my nerves. “Yeah, I’m a senior. Why?”

“I’ve seen you before. You sit with those people who always wear black, dontcha? Do they worship the devil or somethin’? Never seen anyone wear that much black before.”

There was no one else she could have been talking about. “You go to North East, too?”

“I’m only a freshman but I think it’s pretty neat, bein’ in high school and all with the older people.”

“Yeah… Neat.” She stared at my face but I stared at her hands. They moved meticulously about the apple, massaging its skin like it was more human than apple. “Why are you washing fruit?” I asked. I didn’t care, but I wanted to justify why I couldn’t stop staring at her hands.

“Oh, Father makes me warsh all the apples ‘fore I bring ‘ em in.”

“Why not wash them in the sink, inside?”

Her smile sparkled. It reminded me of the bubbles that float on top of New Year’s Eve beer. “If I was warshing things inside then I wouldn’t’ve been out here to meet you, Missy Lost.”

This time, the sound of the water spilling out and over her fingers filled the gaps between our words. I pushed my hands further into my pockets. I worried she could still see them shaking behind the fabric of my jeans.

“So, Miss Lost, where you tryin’ to git to?”

“Back to the center of town.”

She dried her hands on the edges of her skirt. “Why’re you runnin out here, anyway?”

I drew a smiley face in the dirt to make myself feel better. “My house was getting too loud.”

I could feel the distance between us. She was sitting on rotting porch steps, and I was standing in front of her. Only a few feet between us, but they felt so far. Farther than I had walked to get there in the first place. Farther than I had walked in my entire life. I wanted to take a step forward, but I didn’t. I declared my smiley face to be the boundary that I couldn’t cross.

“You can’t just walk back the way you came?” she asked, interrupting my inner border dispute.

“I forgot the way.” My eyes watered because I stared too hard at the smiley, until I couldn’t see it anymore. It was just a blur of ugly brown.

When my eyes cleared and I looked up at her, she smiled. “That’s mighty foolish of you.”

My laugh came out in the same way that a cripple person walks; they just don’t.

“If you want to git back, just walk the same way you came.” She giggled and pointed to the road. “Right down there, left at Port, and right at the bank. That’ll put you next to the school.”

Without saying goodbye, she went inside. The screen door slammed against the frame and shuddered for a moment. I wanted to say thank you, but there were no ears to hear, like always.

I sauntered home, in no rush. I made it back by dark; the hills consumed the sun and the moon peaked out behind a cloud. My trailer was quieter than a morgue when I finally arrived. No one to say goodnight, no one to wish sweet dreams. Mom's car wasn't in the drive, but it was better that way. Maybe she'd find a shelter to sleep in.

I fell asleep thinking of the apple-washing angel. The next day at school, I looked for her. I had a feeling I wouldn’t find her. If I hadn’t seen her before, what were the chances that I would see her now? One out of 304. I think that’s why, when I saw who I would be tutoring, my heart melted into jell-o and I couldn’t breathe.

There were 303 other students that could have been sitting in that chair, desperate for my useless math skills. Instead, she sat there with her math book in front of her and a weird smile, as if she knew it would be me.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and whispered a standard greeting along with my name.

“Hi, Miss Josephine.” She pulled an apple out of her bag and handed it to me. “My name is Nina.”

Hey Suzanne.

I ran away from home when leaves were hanging to trees by their last vein.

Excellent start! Starting the game off with a powerful extended metaphor that skillfully defines the theme and the setting. I'm hooked already.

Her house was all rot wood and rural. I knew it was safer than mine.

Interesting. Normally I don't associate such houses to be safe. It's more normal for a person to think a clean house means that it is more safe, as rot can be associated with "evil". For your narrator to think in such a way makes me think that her house is in a worser state than the lady.

“Oh, Father makes me warsh all the apples ‘fore I bring ‘ em in.”

I like how that dialogue could also mean "God" for the father.

This time the sound of the water spilling out and over her fingers filled the gaps.

I have this feeling that there should be a comma after "time". I also got a bit confused with what you mean by "gaps".

Farther than I had walked to get there in the first place. Farther than I had walked in my entirely life.

I like the repetition here. It really adds weight on how long it takes a person to progress their way through life, overcoming obstacles and

“Hi, Miss Josephine.” She pulled an apple out of her bag and handed it to me. “My name is Nina.”

Whoa so the person that your narrator was talking to earlier in the piece was actually a girl.

Overall impression:

I really like this piece, mostly because of the various effects that your piece creates along with the religious undertones that accompany this.

It's the start that really hooked me straight away. The extended metaphor of the tree's vein being the last suggests that it could be the last straw in a sense. This is because the word "veins" can also be used in the context of human veins. When only one human vein works in a body, then it is a pretty fatal thing.

I also got a feeling of the tree being "The Tree of Knowledge" in the Old Testament (Genesis). This is followed by the use of an apple as being one of the source of differences between the narrator and the girl. This girl seems rather calm and peaceful while the narrator figures out as to why this is so.

I thought your characters were well developed in this part. Part of their character reflects the situation above while it also goes deeper into them as a character. The narrator seems to be quite well off in the field of academics (I had that impression because she tutors). However, during their conversation, she seemed quite casual. Combined that with the tone of the two character's dialogue and it creates this "understanding" and compassinate" feeing which I thought was neat. The character also has a spiritual side, and that is reflected in the way she thinks and uses nature and her very own actions (like walking) as metaphors to portray her life. It is rather gentle too, like the academic and the religious part of her isn't like thrown into the face of the river, but rather it smoothly weaves throughout the text.

The other character was also quite well developed. The apple is a good use of symbolism to show her as a character. I was interested as to why she is washing the apple and why she wanted to see the narrator. Again, from the way you linked her desires and actions with religious undertones and the setting of a rotting old house, I get a feeling that she was some old lady/nun type of person. However at the end, I was surprised that it was only a girl. This is really unique, it makes the girl seem quite mature and emotionally stable for her age.

As this is romance, I really want to know how these two characters will intertwine. There is an age difference, but is it due to their similarities and differences (what one lacks, the other compensates/ supports the other) that they will come together?

The only thing I think you could maybe work on is the walking part. I think you can elaborate a bit further as to why running makes a person looks stupid. I get the feeling that it's because a person shouldn't rush through life and be careless via tripping over obstacles, but to walk to allow a person to study the obstacle and find ways to pass it. I'm not sure if you had that in mind.

But overall, I really like this piece. It kept my interest and it was really well thought out. I got this kind of Anne Rice kind of viber from reading this. I dunno why, I think it's because of the way it is written.

This deserves a gold star

Andy

since you are a senior writer obiviously you write so well but this was ust too good. i could never write like that. few things :
-

Actually, it was more like walking away from home, because I look stupid when I run. Everyone looks stupid when they run

not really, some people do not look stupid when they run but in this case i see that you mean it in a different way.
-

So I kept walking because mom had come home drunk with a disease and all dad could do was hold a bat and swing.

hmm....... i wonder what disease it might be ?
-

They were green with flecks of gold.

i have never seen such eyes, can you make it more realistic
-

œHi, Miss Josephine.” She pulled an apple out of her bag and handed it to me. “My name is Nina.”

great ending. it was sooo good i couldn't find anything else to critique harshly.

remember you write like a pro.
please remind me when the next chapter is coming out. oh please do.

Aw, boo, I wasn't here first. Technically, I shouldn't do this at all, considering you're my competition. *sigh* But I promised to throw love at it, so here it goes:

Suzanne wrote:I could avoid the crack of a bat, and there was my angel, sitting on her porch steps and cleaning apples.

This bothers me. I want to say that they shouldn't be in the same sentence, but they'd work worse as two separate sentences. Maybe 'could' needs to be removed from the sentence.

Suzanne wrote:Her house was all rot wood and rural[s].[/s][I think this might work better as a semicolon] I knew it was safer than mine.

Suzanne wrote:My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

OMG, this is that story? Or are you reusing that description? Regardless, I love it. ^-^

Suzanne wrote:I saw her eyes for the first time. They were green with flecks of gold.

You can combine these two sentences with a colon: "I saw her eyes for the first time: green with flecks of gold."

Suzanne wrote:The muscles in * shoulders relaxed; I was right.

*my

Suzanne wrote:“I think I’ve seen you before. You sit with those people who always wear black, dotcha? Do they worship the devil or somethin’? Never seen anyone wear that much black before.”

Do you mean for this to have an 'n' in it? It's dialogue, so I can't tell...

I'm liking this so far. The imagery and symbolism is wonderful. And nothing beats "My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence." Seriously. XD

*love*

Edit: Silly me, I was tired and forgot this:
In the beginning, the way Josephine talks about Nina in the beginning makes it sound as if she has seen her 'angel' many times before. But then we learn that she hasn't seen Nina up close before, and never at school. You need to clarify if you mean for her to have seen Nina on her porch or around her house before or if this is the first time she's seen Nina and she seems like an angel to her.

Hey Suz! I haven't read anything of yours since your Lit Journal piece. So I decided that it was time to get some good literature into my system. I wasn't disappointed.

This was good. It's not the kind of thing you usually write about, though. It's not the same twisted, dark, and cerebral Suzanne I've come to know and love, but it was a refreshing change nonetheless. Your writing is pristine. Your imagery is flawless. I desperately want to read more.

There are only one or two things I would change. One being the title. It is completely without any sort of grace or attraction. Common colloquilisms can be good titles, but I think titling this "God Still Loves You" is the greatest downfall of the story. Even if this was going to be a religious piece, it still suffers. I know this title is probably a work in progress, but just know that it doesn't add anything worthwhile.

Also, be careful with your dialect. Some dialect is good and I know you used it here to give insight into the characters' personalities, but after a while it just gets tedious. Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is a perfect example of what not to do. Good story, abysmal dialogue. Here, you're walking a narrow line. It's not overboard yet, but I can forsee some future problems.

I wanted the sound of her voice to heal me.

For some reason, I think capping this with an "And" would be more aesthetically appealing.

I’m only a freshman but I think it’s pretty neat, bein’ in high school and all with the older people.”

I cringed here. This line is flat and cardboard and two-dimensional. I know you're better than it. It just...rags on the ear. You know what I mean? Her response - her reason for enjoying high school - is just not realistic.

The next day at school, I looked for her.

Eh. Iffy transistion. I know it's not good to labor on, but I think the previous scene deserves a little more description. She needs to walk a little more, like Dream mentioned. This would be a perfect time to give us some valuable character insight. I would either write more here, or add something before she meets apple-girl.

My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

Ha. This was my favorite line. Brilliant job.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to more. Keep up the good work!

-Kylan

Aw, you guys are amazing. Edits made!

Kylan wrote:There are only one or two things I would change. One being the title. ....

I could see how, at this point in the story, the title looks like complete crap. I'm going to leave it though, because the title hinges on the end of the story. If you read the whole thing, and by the end, still find it to be a horrible title, then I will deeply consider changing it. Perhaps I take a bad cue by having my titles mean something only by the end of the story. We'll see!

Kylan wrote:... Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn is a perfect example of what not to do. ...

I actually find it interesting you compare me to dear Clemens! We live in the same general area. The whole "warshing" thing is said by several people I know. Horrifying, isn't it? And these people have completely normal (or, at least, not overly hick) accents. I could understand how the dialect in writing could be annoying. Sometimes, it bothers me too. If someone else complains, I will consider it. Dialect, though, is a strong point for character development, and it separates my two main characters. But, like you said, it is only good if balanced. Perhaps I'll go through and comb out some nasties.


I love you guys so much. Expect another part within this week. I need to rewrite it. *grumbles*

I ran away from home when leaves were hanging to trees by their last vein.

Lovely imagery there. Me gusta. (I like) In fact, me gusta todo este parrafo. (I like all of this paragraph)

My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

I feel bad for laughing at that, but that’s a great line. XD

When she blinked, I felt my soul shutter.

Shutter = shudder.

Before a better excuse could be made, I said, “I’m lost.”

Er… I’m not sure I’m entirely in love with the phrasing of this. Something just doesn’t click with the “a better excuse could be made.” I suppose it’s the passive voice. I know it’s worn out, but something like “Before I could come up with a better excuse” would probably get rid of that.

She giggled. “Nice to meet you, Lost. I’m Found.”

Nice pun -- talking about finding God and capitalising Angel and then bringing this up. Very nice.

“Oh, Father makes me warsh all the apples ‘fore I bring ‘ em in.”

Is the “warsh” part of the character’s way of speaking or just a typo?

Her smile sparkled. It reminded me of the bubbles that float on top of New Year’s Eve alcohol.

Somehow, I think being more specific on the type of alcohol would help strengthen this metaphor. Try champagne or something.

Farther than I had walked in my entirely life.

Entirely = entire

My laugh came out in the same way that a cripple person walks; they just don’t.

This is a bit of an awkward metaphor; while “they” refers to cripples, it should also apply to your character’s laugh. But your character’s laugh is singular -- there is no “they.” I recommend something along the lines of “it just doesn’t happen” for the second clause there. Also, not all cripples are crippled in the realm of walking.

One out of 304.

That’s it? Holy hell, that’s weensy. *pokes her 2,000+ strong student body*

*coughs* Little miss indecisive *cough*

You know I love you.
Anyway. Lovely work. Like I said above, the play on words was fabulous. Your imagery was really good, and you’ve always been good with descriptive language. A yummy little piece, overall.

I’ll do the second bit when I’m done with the thing I was doing earlier. *sense make no*

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
(and guilt-tripper extraordinaire)

Hey there

I enjoyed that ! I'd love to read the next part of this story, its way nice.

Hope my comments are useful to you.

Oh, and its nice to meet you!


XxxDo

Hey, Suz!

So many other people have already reviewed this, that I'm not so sure how helpful my review will be. I'll try, though, because I don't want to just go straight on to part two without leaving a comment on this part.

So I kept walking because mom had come home drunk with a disease and all dad could do was hold a bat and swing.

When I saw her sitting outside, I was glad I had left.

There are a few things to be said about this quote. 1) Because you don't say "my mom" (in the first quoted sentence) or anything like that, you're treating the word "mom" like a name. Therefore it should be capitalized. 2) The reference to her mother in the first quoted line, then to another "her" in the second made me think at first that the "her" was the mother. That made me really confused, because you were saying good things about her, so I thought maybe your character was being sarcastic... anyway, it confused me. Maybe try putting something in between these two quoted sentences? Elaborate on the dad? Mention something about Nina? Something.

Her house was all rot wood and rural; I knew it was safer than mine.

I'm not sure, but shouldn't that be "rotten wood" or "rotted wood" or rotting wood?" Maybe I'm just unfamiliar with the phrase "rot wood," but it sounds weird to me...

I saw her eyes for the first time: green with flecks of gold. When she blinked, I felt my soul shudder. I didn’t want her to blink because I always wanted to see her eyes. The small gold flecks made everything else easier.

Just a little technical problem, but if they're standing a few feet away from each other (and you even elaborate on the distance later) then how can she see the color of her eyes? Maybe you say something about the light playing on her eyes so that they gleamed?

The muscles in my shoulders relaxed; I was right.

I assume you mean that she was right about the sound of Nina's voice -- but I only understood this the second time around. I think you should clarify, maybe saying something like ...I was right -- her words flowed in through my ears like cool water... something like that?

I slipped my hands into my pockets because I couldn’t stop fidgeting. I wanted to curl my bangs around my finger, bite my nails, pick at my cuticles, anything to vent my nerves.

I like this part, as it showcases her personality well -- but why is she so nervous? There may be something I'm missing, 'cause I don't really get it.

I pushed my hands further into my pockets. I worried she could still see them shaking behind the fabric [s]of my jeans[/s].

For some reason, I don't like the repetition of 'my' here. It's not that bad, but it bugs me nonetheless. I think you should delete the last three words.

I drew a smiley face in the dirt to make myself feel better.

With what? Her finger? A stick? I'd like to know, because squatting down in the dirt and drawing with your finger is a very different image from standing and drawing with the toe of a shoe, or a stick. ^_~
----------------------

I really love the extended metaphors of this piece. It has to many layers. I've never been able to write pieces like that, but I do love to read them -- even (and maybe especially) if I don't know all of the references. It just adds to the impression of layers. For example, I'm not very well-versed religiously, but I can still appreciate the metaphors. If I am familiar with some of them, then it makes me feel as though I can see the underlying theme, but there is so much that I'm sure I don't understand that it's overwhelming... in a delicious way. ^_^ maybe even a religious way, if I think about it ... that sense of there being something underneath everything you see, some purpose Like. Hmm -- interesting. But I'm rambling...

So, I love the style, but I'm not so sure about the plot itself. Like what, exactly, is the main character doing? She's running away from home. But does she know where she's going? I don't think so. And then she just goes back in the end ... Nina tells her to, more or less. I assume you will clarify a little on Josephine's original intents in later parts, and if you don't I strongly suggest that you do so. It will help us to get to know her, which, for the most part, you have done very well.

I really do love the characters. I like how in the first scene, Nina is most definitely the one in charge. Josephine is fidgety, nervous, lying, but Nina keeps her cool and is very friendly... but I also think I can detect an authoritative underlying tone in her words -- especially towards the end of that scene. Josephine most definitely admires Nina. She even goes as far to call her an Angel. The pure irony, therefore, of Josephine being Nina's tutor is a wonderful twist.

Oh, one more little complaint: I think you should be more consistent with your capitalization. At one point, you call Nina an Angel, and at another, she's an angel. I think you also did this when Nina's talking about her father. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but you should definitely be aware of it.

Well, that's about it. I'll be back later for more... but you may want to post the link in my Critique thread just in case I forget.

Feel free to PM me with questions/comments!

Hope this helps.

~Azila~

Hi Suz! I have been dying to get to these for ages, so I'm excited that I finally made it - at last!. I had no idea what to expect from the title, and I didn't allow myself to peek beforehand, so it was fun coming in. Big surprises. *is dorky* (Yeah, and I actually didn't cheat, by the way. Sometimes I say I'm going to save pieces for when I have time and then I cheat. )

However, since I am supposed to be doing Calculus at the moment, and I started this and then lost it, I will have to be brief-ish.

One of my favorite things:

Josephine! She's very real. Since this was really just a big introduction for Nina/Angel, it was interesting to see her, but through the eyes of Josephine. I also think it's funny that we picked the same name for our POV characters for Cal's contest. XD Mine was Little Women inspired - yours?

Some of my favorite moments of general awesomeness and hilarity:

Actually, it was more like walking away from home, because I look stupid when I run. Everyone looks stupid when they run.

I love this. It's so true.

My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

Hahahahhahahahaa.

I wanted to curl my bangs around my finger, bite my nails, pick at my cuticles, anything to vent my nerves.

Uggghhh I hate this feeling, but it's so true-to-life. The whole thing has a very realistic feel, actually.

I declared my smiley face to be the boundary that I couldn’t cross.


“You can’t just walk back the way you came?” she asked, interrupting my inner border dispute.

More real-life goodliness.

One of my not-so-favorite things:

Dialect.

I live in East Texas, so I know a lot of people who actually talk like this, and it gets old. So this is not to say, Change Nina Now! However, I do think you would benefit from toning down the dialect to some degree. Phrasing will often do the trick, and too often, words like "warsh" are just overkill.

Scanning the comments above, I saw somebody mention Huck Finn, and how the dialect often just gets to be too much. You don't have to use as much as you think you do to get the idea across.

Gold star! Now on to number two!

It's a very interesting story. It's got a southern swing to it, too. I think

you should try to bring out the plot more than you already have. Become

more graphic when you describe living in the 'unsafe' house. One of the

things I found hard to understand was the fact that the main character

mentions the fact that the lady's house, made from rotwood, is safer

than hers...?

Suz!

Grammar and First Impressions

No worries, I've been slacking way too much on the punctuation correction.

So I kept walking because mom had come home drunk with a disease and all dad could do was hold a bat and swing.

I think someone pointed this out (Maybe Azila?), but Mom and Dad are what the MC calls them, just like you call me J and I call you Suz. They're names, so they receive capitalization.

When I saw her sitting outside, I was glad I had left. She was an Angel, sitting on her porch steps and cleaning apples. I didn’t know her, but I wanted to believe she was waiting for me. Her house was all rot wood and rural; I knew it was safer than mine. I wanted to talk to her because, as I walked closer and saw the dimples in her cheeks and the way her eyebrows curved, I knew her voice would be more beautiful than her face. I wanted the caress of her voice to heal me.

By the end of this paragraph (Paragraph Zwei, ja?), I finally figured out you weren't talking about Mom. I didn't know this was a stranger lady. In the first sentence here when you say her, I got to thinking what other her she was talking about. Oh, she was talking about Mom! So it must be Mom! But... it's not Mom. xD I think we need to clear this up a little.

My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

I couldn't help but laugh at this.

She giggled. “Nice to meet you, Lost. I’m Found.”

Lol, I like her already. xD

I wanted to curl my bangs around my finger, bite my nails, pick at my cuticles, [dash instead] anything to vent my nerves.

Put a dash or a verb. Because this is a list, each item has a verb/noun with it: curl my bangs, bite my nails, pick at my cuticles. Then you have anything to vent my nerves. I wanted to anything to vent my nerves. It doesn't make sense, ja? I'd insert do or something before anything (You'd probably like that better anyway.) put a dash to set it into a summary statement.

Plus, I love this statement. It's so true. I get nervous so easily, it's not even funny how I relate to her right now.

“Oh, Father makes me warsh all the apples ‘fore I bring ‘ em in.”

It hurts my soul seeing and reading that, but it's excellent use of dialogue.

I worried she could still see them shaking behind the fabric of my jeans.

Now I'm starting to not relate to her. Why is the senior nervous in front of the freshman? Even if she "sits with those people who always wear black," I'd think nearly any senior would feel superior to a freshman (no offense to the freshmen ).

I fell asleep thinking of the apple-washing angel.

No capitalization anymore?

Characters

Hardly any complaints in this area. You did excellent with Josephine's nerves. Hopefully you won't forget this, though, later one. (I'll have to read and find out!) She does seem a little more shy than I'd have liked her, though. I mean, even juniors feel above freshmen. Any upperclassman would? Maybe not. Nina's obviously very strong and outgoing, but how Josephine's nerves last that long... I dunno. I did relate to her again when she saw Nina again during math tutoring, though. It was only that one spot I mentioned earlier. At least she can feel a little superiority? She can still be nervous, but I can't help but get their grades mixed up.

You did excellent with Nina altogether. Reading her dialogue makes me laugh and hurts my soul, but it's so true. People around here do talk like that. I think you could even get away with changing things like want to to wanna. Nina's definitely a character. No real complaints for her.

Plot

Mmm... Is there something going on between them? I dunno! I guess I'll have to keep reading!

But really, I'm seeing some action happening. Shame you stopped at the math tutoring, but there's still something there that makes the reader want to read more. The realism of your characters makes the read even better. Don't worry about plot at this point. You're doing well.

Meaning

Lordy, you did so well with this. The use of an apple was great. It's so random, but not. This is basically what symbolism is. xD The apple's what started everything, so it was awesome how you used it in the first part too. And how Josephine was Lost, and Nina was Found. That was beautiful, and not only for the pun that made me giggle. How you keep bringing up those religious ties was very good, and I think I already understand your title, but that's me jumping to conclusions.

Overall

This was excellent. It was very well-driven with your characters as well as... well, as well as everything else! I can't wait to read the next part!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Nit-Picks

I ran away from home when leaves were hanging to trees by their last vein. Actually, it was more like walking away from home, because I look stupid when I run. Everyone looks stupid when they run. So I kept walking because mom had come home drunk with a disease and all dad could do was hold a bat and swing.

1. Mom and Dad need to be capitalized, seeing as 'my' doesn't lead up to them.

2. I don't really like that you told us why she was running right off the bat.

When I saw her sitting outside, I was glad I had left.

I thought you were talking about the mom here, and it really ruins the Angel thing.

She was an Angel, sitting on her porch steps and cleaning apples. I didn’t know her, but I wanted to believe she was waiting for me. Her house was all rot wood and rural; I knew it was safer than mine. I wanted to talk to her because, as I walked closer and saw the dimples in her cheeks and the way her eyebrows curved, I knew her voice would be more beautiful than her face. I wanted the caress of her voice to heal me.

This makes me assume that the Angel is older, but later you tell us (and show us through dialogue) that she's not, so it's contradicting.

There was no one else she could have been talking about. “You go to North East, too?”

I'd ditch that comma.

My laugh came out in the same way that a cripple person walks; they just don’t.

Awkward wording. I'd ditch the 'they just don't.' We can figure it out.

Overall Comments

Ooer, Suz is being rebellious! Writing 'bout lesbians, are you? Nice twist on a cliché contest.

Anyways, I still love your characters more than life itself. At the beginning, Nina seems older, like an adult. Then you tell us she isn't, and her dialogue sounds both old and young. I think it's mainly her maturity level – you need to give us a reason for it so it doesn't sound so odd.

And you seem to have a bad habit of not giving us names 'til the end.

Well, I feel immensely unhelpful, but I'm off to part two!

~JFW1415/Jelly

Hey Suzanne,

My throat was closed tighter than the legs of a Christian who thought she could find God through abstinence.

I love that metaphor so much!!

Let me start off by saying I really liked the first line. I only caught some capitalization issues with the names Mom and Dad. That's it though, I really liked the beginning of this!

~Domenique

Holloah, Suzanne! (Guess, this is a brand spanking new review since your last visit, isn't it exciting?) Actually, this probably isn't very exciting since it's just from me, and I loved this too much to try and pick holes and what not, it seems 'un-pick aparatable' does that work?

I love the first person. You seem to master it. You know?? All too often the first person tries tirelessly to gain sympathy, but yours...demands it. Especially love the fleeting outline of her parents.

Anyway, I shall continue to read and rely my thoughts!

Eimear xx