Young Writers Society

Removed.

Squee!!

This is even more hilarious than the first, mister minx. Not only that, but you develop characters, keep it interesting and actually have relationships and stuff that you can see develop. I am, evidently, in awe of your work.

hahahaa "cat-fight" xD

Next one! Next one! You typer-minx person you. Next one! ^^

Umm... >.> I look forward to the next one. >.>

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

I hate you and your cliffhangers. That is all.

*giggles* That entire bedroom scene between James and Luke was awesome... I almost died laughing.. I want to see this played out just to hear someone actually speak the ellipse.

And once again I hate you and love you at the same time. Damned cliff hangers. Nice job with Alex by the way.. I actually wanted to hit him. Reading such characters usually does not receive that response from me. I usually find them amusing, but him I wanted to hit and thus found it all the more amusing when James actually kicked him. ^^

Can't wait for Episode 4.

One thing I noticed, and you did say you rewrote this rather quickly so I assume that's the reason for this since I didn't notice it the first two. You've got a few words switched around in some of the dialog... I wasn't sure if you did that on purpose or not. Doesn't seem like it, so I thought I'd make note. If you would like me to point out where or whatever just PM and I'll find it again.

~Rea

Okay, I swear. This is it. Then I'm going to sleep.

*ahem*

Luke, clearly miffed, tries not to let it bother him, but eventually props himself up and looks over Luke's shoulder.

Luke's looking over Luke's shoulder? I see what you're saying, but nix the second 'Luke' and put a 'his' in its place.

The bedroom scene was perfectly done... again, stuffing my face in pillows. And this:

JAMES
Cat-fight.

XD beyond description.

SUNSHINE
Tigerlily did not 'run in' to you. Luke, how could Tigerlily have run into her if she crushed his leg?

......

SUNSHINE
Tigerlily is a she, Lena. Did you not read the letter she put on your door, introducing herself? She carefully paw-crafted four of them herself--one for each of us!

..boy or girl? Or is Sunshine just being... Sunshine?

JAMES
Oh my God, not again.

Hahaha

And of course, if I didn't have the next one at my finger tips, I'd be cursing you for your cliff hanger as well.

...Actually, it's 4:30am, and I *really* need sleep. So I'm still cursing you for it. You're brilliant, Brad.

Gah, your characters are just so awesome! I can't wait to see this actually played out I'm so watching every episode! My favorite part was when James and Luke were in the bedroom. "Did you just ellipse at me?" "Did you just suggest we read porn together." Awesome. That was classic. And Lena...stepped on a kitty? Poor thing! The only reason it was funny was because she did it XD. And what is Sunshine's problem with Lena exactly. I mean, she's a bitch but Sunshine is starting to seem equally bitchy! I love the drama! Must have more!

Onto the next...I'm getting close to the end of these!

~Rieda

SUNSHINE
I don't have a door [s]so[/s] and we didn't want anyone to see.

I really have no criticism of this, it's wonderful. I love the theme of the budget constantly running through the text and the relationships between your characters are just superb! Sunshine is such a little hypocrit, she needs to get rid of her own negative energy before she even touches Lena's!

Haha. And Ann is scary! Should have known she'd be a lawyer, very fitting.

Best scene= bedroom scene for sure! I can so see this being acted out and how hilariously awkward that would be. Great work!

I really enjoyed the Luke/James pre-bedtime interaction. It was incredibly awkward, but in a really fun way. Sometimes awkwardness just makes me feel awkward and I want to get away from it and forget about it, but this was thoroughly excellent awkward. So kudos.

Specifically, I liked:

LUKE
(dead-panning)
Screw you. And honestly, James, if you insist on waking me up every night with your reading, couldn't you at least get something we'd both enjoy?

JAMES
(slightly alarmed)
Dot-dot-dot.

LUKE
Did you just…ellipse at me?

JAMES
Uhh…did you just suggest we read porn together?

LUKE
Yes. He's so, so weird! Last night, when I was in the shower, he walked in and started peeing.

JAMES
(snickering)
…in the shower with you?

Luke elbows James through the pillows.

LUKE
Ha ha. You know what? Fuck you.

They both laugh for a moment before they realize Luke's word choice and fall silent.

JAMES
So, um…
(beat)
Maybe we should stop talking…

Haha, YES.

The only part I didn't like in this section was the "Oh!" before the "Does Alex still creep you out?" It seemed girly. But you can't revise any of it, so I guess the point is moot.

Anyhowitzers.

JAMES
What can I tell him? 'Hey, Lena stepped on Sunshine's kitten and broke its leg, so we paid for emergency surgery'? He'll stroke out; he's already on my ass about keeping funds down, and this is just…unreal.

Was that supposed to be "strike out"? Or is that an actual phrase? As in, he had a stroke so he stroke out? Like, geeze, dude, don't flip out. Hmm.

I'm glad I still have plenty more to read, otherwise I'd kick you in the shin for that cliffhanger.