:D:D:D
Sorry it took so long
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“For once, mom, will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother.
“I always listen!”
“But you don’t hear me!”
“Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you know I hear you!"
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember, after a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
As Black Ghost said, this sounds off. I suggest you read this out loud to yourself. Also, there's a lack of emotion. Is her mother surprised at this outburst? Is she used to it?
Why can't Evelyn's mother remember the argument? Give us some thought bubbles, and reveal more about Evelyn.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
Hm. Again, this sounds rather undignified for a mother.
Eve stopped dead in her tracks, little? Oh no that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
What does prom have to do with not being little? You can make this paragraph much more relevant. Why a mother letting herself be brow-beaten by her daughter?
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
If this is the case, why is she calling her 'mom?' This woman is no mother to her.
“Yeah and mom, I don’t care what you think about my life with dad! You chose to walk out on us! What did you expect when you returned, a giant hug and tears? Why did you come back to begin with? Never mind I don't care! Go back to your boyfriend mom.”
You can cut back on the dialogue here. Add some thoughts, i.e. "After all this time, she expecte me to just...." etc. etc.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she was soon awakened by the vibration of her cell phone and the small ting of pebbles on her window.
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack
Either the pebbles or the cell. Both is a little much.
“Hi!” she whispered to the black haired boy below. He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of couse she didn't dare tell him that.
I suggest you either take this out or say something different. Why to take it out: it will date your work, and people will say, "Oh, this is such an old book...." if you want to keep it, I suggest you have her say something about a memory i.e. "She smiled when she remembered telling him that, and how he laughed at that." etc etc. or to that extent.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be caught!” Jack smiled up at the red haired girl leaning out the window, she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that.
Here you switched characters on us. I suggest you take it out. Also, nix the bit about Ginny/Harry Potter movies. Again, this dates your work, and you want your work to be timeless.
+:)=:D This description also makes things too obvious. I mean, we all KNOW that Harry and Ginny get together. Having your characters look like them, AND like eachother ruins your element of surprise. It makes your story too obvious. 
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Hmmm.... I think you can do better with this. Locking her door... being out all night... wouldn't her parents try to find her?
When Jack kissed her, she kissed back–forgetting that they were in a very public place. When they parted they were both breathless, which provided an awkward pause.
“Eve,” he said, “I love you.”
Shock filled her; she didn’t know what to say.
People at a club probably wouldn't care.
Uh, why is this so shocking to her? He just kissed her. Usually that means "I love you." or "I really really REALLY like you, and I THINK I love you." I suggest you either take out the kiss, or him saying 'I love you.' Think of what you want to portray here.
Also, we need more thought bubbles!!!!! Seriously. We have NO idea what Eve is thinking. 'Shock'... what does she do when she's shocked? Does she start laughing, crying, shaking, drooling...? We need to know these things. Also, what is Jack doing? What does she think he's doing?
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
I expected something different from this. I mean, Eve saying "I don't know what to say" would make more sense. Also, Jacks reaction seems a bit off. I mean, Eve was obviously surprised by the kiss/I love you, so it seems he wouldn't get too worked up about it.
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
Especially since they are this old^^^^^, I suggest you change their reaction, or their age. They don't sound this old to me.
Weeks went by and they didn’t say a word to each other, and each day without voice was like pins in her arm, making her slowly bleed to death. She realized that she did love him, but doubted that he would listen to her
WHY?? We need a reason for them not able to talk to eachother. Did he go on vacation?? Did she? Details please.
When he was going through his bag looking for his homework he found a brightly colored pink envelope, sealed with a kiss. On the inside he found a letter.
Dear Jack,
I know you were being serious in the club the other week, and I’ve hated myself every night since. The truth is: I do love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you more than I love books, and you know how much I love books. I didn’t think you’d stick around to listen to me, so I decided to tell you via letter.
Now I have one thing to ask of you: will you go to the prom with me?
With my love,
Evelyn.
Jack read the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in. Three days to the prom, could he pull it off? He picked up the phone and dialed her number.
Again, you switched characters on us.
Please make it more obvious when you're changing scenes.
Hmmm... Her letter sounds... I don't know, almost childish. I mean, it sounds like she's saying "you're hot. Let's go to prom." This relationship has to be built on something. At the moment, it sounds like they don't really love eachother. They like to kiss, and dance, and they way eachother looks... what do they LOVE about eachother? What is their reason? Give us flashbacks or something...
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
“Hello Eve.”
“Jack? I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again.”
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
"She left last week."
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough
This is a rather cut off ending. I think you could do better with that
Overall, I think you can do a lot better with this piece. We need to see some real emotion here. I mean, how did these two meet? Why do they like eachother so much?
We need to know these things. It's really hard to connect with your character because we know nothing about her. Her whole life, from our perspective, is about a boy and prom. Does she have any friends? Seriously, thought bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need them, and we need more background, and scenery.
If you have any questions, please PM me.
:D:D:D I'm more than willing to help. :D:D:D:D
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