Thanks for leaving me the link. It's always nice to have some requests waiting around for me, whenever I actually get around to critiquing things.
I was very impressed by this piece overall. Here are a few more specific comments:
I stood frozen, watching my father laughing a few steps from the door, a glass in one hand, a woman’s ass in the other, and a crazy look on his face.
I don't have a problem with swearing in literature or anything, but this seemed out of place to me. You were consistent in the type of vocabulary you were using up to this point. It actually reminds me a bit of the way my writing comes out when I'm writing from a child's perspective: clean, forward-moving, keenly observant. So using "ass" here is really too crass for a child's POV. She's shocked, but not shocked into rebellious adolescence.
“Hey!” he yelled, finally noticing me. “What are you doing here?” My eyes grew wide and I took off, dodging his arms and running across the street and into the parking lot, yanking the door open and jumping into the car. The lights turned on again, but my eyes were squeezed shut. My chest was heaving up and down, and I silently thanked that there hadn’t been any cars driving down the street when I had run across.
I had forgotten to look both ways.
Oh, I liked this. Just one example of how well you pull of the child's perspective. Even after all that she's just seen, the rules still apply: your daddy's not who you thought he was, but you always look both ways when crossing the street.
“Can I borrow your earplugs again tonight?” Matty asks as we stop by his door.
Oh, God. Knife in the heart, anyone?
This is perfect the way it's done. You don't state the obvious, don't explain things to the reader, simply allow the characters to speak for themselves. I love this.
I stare at him for a moment, my mind drifting slightly. My gaze wanders into him room. It’s painted light blue, and has soccer balls printed on the border. There is a white spot on one of the walls, partially hidden by his bed, where my father once threw a lamp. From this room, just like mine, you can hear everything that goes on in my parents’ bedroom: all the yelling, all the crying.
Typo in the second sentence: his room, rather than him room.
I like the way you're beginning to wrap things up here. By giving the narrator a chance to think, you're slowing down the action, letting the reader's mind take in all the new information, fit together all the pieces.
I only own one pair of earplugs. I look back at him; see his innocent face, tainted with worry, looking back up at me. I’ve heard the screaming before, no reason I can’t hear it again.
I think using "innocent face" is a little strong. You can use the word innocent/innocence without it being overdone, but I'd rather some showing here. Is his chin trembling? Eyes watering a little, or maybe red-rimmed? What about his coloring? Is he pale because he's scared, or flushed because he's verging on panic? Try rephrasing.
I think the semicolon is misplaced here, though. Might try striking it altogether and replacing it with a simple "and." Just play with it and see if you can come up with something else you like better.
I agree with Heather that the use of the present tense was not only fitting, but effective. I fell right into it at the beginning, taking only three or four sentences to adjust. For about a year, I couldn't write a short story unless it was in the present tense, and I turned out a few pieces with a lot of potential, so if anybody tells you to swap to past, tell them to take a hike.
Present is great here.
A very well done short story, all in all. I haven't read any of your others yet, but this would make a great addition to any collection of short stories. Hope this helps!
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