I Think I'm In Love #1

I've always wanted to try and write a love story from a girl's perspective. Let me tell you: it's been amazingly hard. I've tried to incorportate as much girly stuff as I can. If I go a little short, or overboard for that matter, please tell me!
So, I hope you enjoy it!


2-14-08

I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Ok, you see, today was Valentines Day and when I went to school I didn’t really think that I would be getting anything. But I was so wrong! Mr. Jones, my first period history teacher, called out my name in front of the whole class. The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale. So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, “What?”

A couple of people looked at me like I was poisonous ivy our something and I started walking up to get the rose.

Oh, the rose! It was so beautiful. My heart literally jumped out of my throat as I grabbed it, then I hurried and skidded back to my seat.

The rose was so… so… so red! I was at my desk, my mouth open and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked. Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?

It wasn’t until Darien, the girl that sat in front of me, turned around and said, “Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?” that I realized there was a card hanging off of it. My eyes suddenly expanded as I saw the little tag that was attached to it by red ribbon.

“Dear Emily,
My heart belongs to yours. Be my Valentine.
- Jesse Brandon”

Oh, gosh. Jesse Brandon? Who is he? I went around school that day, forcing people to read my note that was attached to the lovely rose that I received. And you know what? Not one person knew who he was.

I like, seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me? I’m so nervous. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Sorry, I’ve run out of room. I’ll write back tomorrow!

Forever,
Emily

_

Opinions? Suggestions? Whatever you can do would be awesome!

BBB

No time to talk, but one thing I wanted to say was that you did a really good job...

Well, I think so...

I'm a guy too, so I'm not entirely sure. XD

I like it, though, and I'll definitely read more if you post it!

Sorry I have to go right away, I'll get to an edit later...

Teh Wozzinator

That was realy good and I was very interested in it I hope you write more:)

Well...hard work paid off. I think you did a good job, so far you haven't gone that overboard with the girly stuff. I liked to hear a bit more from Emily and the whole situation. Hope you write some more.

*~*Foreseer*~*

The ending with the drunk, mad father is... so cliched. And it doesn't make sense. I mean... *head explodes*

1) If her father is a mean drunk and such, and she is exposed to him, most likely he's going to traumatize her in some horrendous way. No, not beating her (though that is an option). The fact that he is there and he symbolizes a male authoritative power is going to influence her ways of acting and such. A little bit of research on abuse and alcoholism showed me that people who have to go through this sort of stuff often do not trust men as much as they could. And why should they? So even if he doesn't beat her, she is probably going to harden up and grow up REALLY fast, because she has to.

2) Unfortunately, you have written for an inexperienced teenage girl, one of those valley girl types, the innocent girl who believes in love. Her viewpoint screams "NAIVE!" but her situation says that she shouldn't be this type of girl. Consider: if she's had to go through a father like that, then why should she be innocent? She has been told that families should love each other, and the way he's treating her, this is obviously not the case.

3) And why should she like this mysterious man? He is intriguing, yes, and she may possibly be desperate enough, but the lack of skepticism is clearly alarming. If I were put in a similar situation, I would wonder who would be cruel enough to play such a joke and give me a rose from nobody.

And I don't know. It doesn't make sense. And no, it isn't too girly, but the character doesn't fit with the situation, and it's just not working for me.

I don't know. Fix the setting?

Yeah, I think that I am going to do what Snoink said.

I've tried writing about a drunk father (Beautifully Evil) and I just can't do it right. So I'll go back and redo all of the stuff after the diary entry.

Thanks for being honest! It really helped!

BBB

Well I haven't read anyone else's critiques, but i'm here to offer my humble advice!

As a male who frequently writes things from a females point of view, i feel I'm qualified to comment (females are more interesting for writing with...most the time! XD)...

So here is my opinions:

The diary:

I liked the idea of her writing into the diary...sort of like collecting her own thoughts...though, I get the impression a couple of sentences my be a little too...poetic? for someone's diary.

E.g:

"The rose was so… so… so red! I was at my desk, my mouth open and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked. Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?"

There was just something about that, that didn't seem to fit...maybe explaining what she did in too much detail? or maybe the 'amazingly beautiful' bit...Sorry I can't be of more help on that particular area!

On the other hand, you certainly pulled out some very diary-esque sentences:

"I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it."

That worked well for me!


The Rest:

I didn't really like the drunken father bit, it sort of came out of nowhere...and then it seemed less of a threat, and more fake... Maybe if you showed signs of her being conscious of the fact that her dad might be coming back? Or maybe show her surprise and maybe even dread as he shouts her name?

Or even elaborate on that area of the story a little more...?


On the whole though, it was certainly a good effort from using a female's point of view! I would have found it hard to tell if it was written by a guy or not!

Okay, I think it was great. *And I hate romances, well most romances* Really I just want you to keep going. Is she going to find him? Was it a prank?

No I don't expect you to answer those, but I do expect you to write more . Ok now for a crit, hmmmmmmmmmm.


At least, not until she, herself, did, and that was not even an option.

This was the only sentence that really confused me. I don't really get it. Maybe you can clear it up a bit.

But, still. She was loved by Jesse Brandon, and that meant the world to her.

I like this part. , But maybe it should be written like......

But, still, she was loved by Jesse Brandon, and that meant the world to her.

I could be wrong, that just looks better, cause I don't think But, still. Is an appropriate sentence.






***As always excuse the bad spelling, my computer won't check it very well. So if I missed any misspelled words I am sorry.***

But, still.

Maybe try a semi-colon!

Two fixes:

"poisonous ivy" should be just poison ivy.

And I'd just make it clear that she's writing in her diary from the beginning. At first I didn't know why you were in italics and I though I was going to have to yell at you. XP

Other than that, I think it's pretty good! It really needs to continue though. That just isn't a satisfying ending for me. And no, it wasn't too girly. It may be sort of middle-school-ish, but that's not neccesarily a bad thing. Keep going!!

~Yoyo

I've always wanted to try and write a love story from a girl's perspective. Let me tell you: it's been amazingly hard. I've tried to incorportate as much girly stuff as I can. If I go a little short, or overboard for that matter, please tell me!
So, I hope you enjoy it!

I like your idea, but not all girls are girly
Take me for instance. After school I go play tackled football with the boys XD I come home muddied and bloodied and I smile and look forwards to doing tomorrow!
Unless you are trying t write in the point of view of a girly girl then... I guess so

I think you have made it a little to fast for me.
I would suggest having a first entry. You know so you can explain everything then tell us about the guy tomorrow.
Right now we don't know anything about her except that she likes this boy, she has braces, her mom is dead and her dad is a drunk. I think you could elaborate on the detail a little more. Tell us more about her before you dump all this ushy gushy stuff on is.

Right now we don't feel or have any connection with this character. So I would suggest developing her more and then making us feel it.

Keep going with it, it looks pretty good
And hey, you did do a pretty good point of view of a girl.
But she talks like this: "I was like "What?" Oh my god!"
But the two little bits of info you dropped about her and her looks just seem to tell me "Geek" Pimples, braces, glasses. Not one of the top girl in her school... You know...

"Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?”

This seems like a remark of disgust to me... So I am thinking "geek"

Good work!
Genevieve

I still owe you two crits, don't I? Well then -

>> Critique two of three >>

I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Ok, you see, today was Valentines Day and when I went to school I didn’t really think that I would be getting anything.

This kind of confuses me. First she's saying things like 'Crap' and then she's saying 'you see'. I think you should kind of blend those two tones together - maybe take out 'crap' and 'freaking' OR 'you see'.
Also, I've underlined 'Ok' because it should be 'Okay'.

A couple of people looked at me like I was poisonous ivy our something and I started walking up to get the rose.

No U in 'or'. And I think it should just be 'poison ivy'?

Jesse Brandon… who is he? She smoothed any wrinkled pages and then closed the diary. The red cover was decorated with little hearts and rainbows.
Emily smiled and shivered. She rubbed her arms and bit her lip. Jesse… he sounds like a beautiful boy…

I've underlined the places where you've switched tenses.

“Emma!” her father roared.

He calls her Emma? You might want to explain a little more; does he think her name is Emma? Or is he just too drunk to call her by her real name?


Overall, I have to agree with some of what Snoink said. It is a little cliché, and the setting was a tad confusing.

I think you did a good job with the girly girl-esque atmosphere, but I wouldn't know, seeing as I am definitely not a girly girl myself and I have never received a rose from anyone.

I also agree with this:

Gwenevire wrote:I think you have made it a little to fast for me.
I would suggest having a first entry. You know so you can explain everything then tell us about the guy tomorrow.
Right now we don't know anything about her except that she likes this boy, she has braces, her mom is dead and her dad is a drunk. I think you could elaborate on the detail a little more. Tell us more about her before you dump all this ushy gushy stuff on is.

Amen.

Well, this has potential! Keep going.

Cheers,
Camille

P.S. I used to be called 'Ayra', if you didn't already figure it out. XD

I want to respond to this because I'm a girl. Overall, good job. Words like "freaking" and "crap" are probably what saved this. But Gwen (I think it was Gwen) was right when she said all girls aren't girly. Stop me now before I go on a ranting tangent, but you should really give that some thought. Observe girls at school. Listen to the way they talk and act. You're good at this, but it couldn't hurt to get some real life experience.

The part about her diary being covered in rainbows and stuff made me gag. Sorry, but girls and diaries...it's so overdone. Keep the journal, but put something less foo-foo on the cover. Anything.

Maybe go into more detail about her surprise over receiving the rose. Why does she think she's unworthy? Has she ever received a valentine before? What other emotions are playing through her head? You can add a lot more detail to this scene. In fact, it should be the whole first chapter. Save the drunk dad for chapter two. Now, just focus on school and the event of getting the rose.

You know, I just finished a novella told in first person by a boy. I think I did a really good job, but I'm not one to say. Maybe I'll post it here?

Anyway, keep posting this story. I like the romances you write.

Hey BBB!!!

Well I loved this but yet there was one little problem. I am a girl and I think that if I were this girl I wouldn't go around sharing with the world that I got a rose because then that would frighten my secret admirer away. Try to capture the essence of her emotions by I don't know making her feel less confident. Maybe she thinks its a prank or maybe she thinks it was sent to the wrong person on accident. Make this Jesse Brandon person appear as this mysterious debonair type guy. I don't know...its just a suggestion but this was a good start. Can't wait to read more!!!

well i cant find ANYTHING to critique, as being a not so good critique. but being a human, i found it extremely interesting, though i dare say i love a romance story! very good job!

Keep it up BBB!

wolfeyes!!!