Young Writers Society

i may have posted this before but i think i messed it up. its not that great and feel free to say so i wrote this about a year ago and would love it if some one would critic it. ps i realize the spelling errors most times

[pre]It’s Not Running Away If You’re Walking.

“I’m fuckin outa here!”

I picked up my coat and slammed the door.

“Fuck her!” I think to my self. “I got to go some were.” I walk up to the sign that reads “Woodberry 2” And I stand here thinking. I could go right and go down towards Reeds? But I look and it’s dark. It’s not the type of dark were you can’t see. It’s more than that. It scares me. So I turn to the left. I look down and can see plenty of street lights. I know which way I’m going but I’m not going yet. Instead I sit on a snow covered rock. I wait for a while. It seemed like an hour. Finally I get up. I begin to walk.
I hate running laps in gym. Not just because I’m a fat asthmatic but also because they want me to go at their pace. Fuck them! This walk is about me. So I carry on at my own slow pace.

I started to wonder when she would come after me. With every passing car I expected to get picked up and beaten with the bat called my moms voice and emotions, but I don’t. Time is passing and I’m getting to the four way intersection. Again, I have a few choices. I could go right to see Amanda, but wait she’s at a lock down at the bowling alley. Forward will bring me to burger king, but I’m not hungry and once I’m there I’ll have nowhere else to go. I’m going right. I’m going to church.

I am on a priest’s door step at 9:00 pm and its 30 degrees. I am ringing the door bell. The only sign of life within the house is a dog barking loudly. Screw it I’m turning around, but wait.

“Hello?” I hear the priest’s voice. I recognized him. He doesn’t recognize me.

“Hi.”

“Hi?” he has no idea why I’m here; I have no idea why I’m here. I shouldn’t have even come here. I’m such a dumbass

“What can I help you with?”

“I’m not sure.” I have no idea what to say.

“Well surely if you came here there must be something wrong.” I considered saying I had the wrong house but why lie to a priest? I mean that’s gotta be a sure ticket to hell.

“I guess I am fighting with my mom.”

“Well maybe you should go home and talk to her about it.” He wasn’t saying that like “get lost” or “take a hike” He was giving me a sincere suggestion.

“It’s not like standing here is going to help solve your problem” He’s right. I know he’s right.

“Yah I guess” that’s all I say. “Thanks bye” then I turn and leave.
I look to the grave yard. There is no reason I want to go, I just do. I walk over to the cemetery. I head for the back.


There is a tiny light far off in the distance. I’m not sure what it is but for a split second I think, “Maybe it’s a ghost?” I shake off the idea. Not that it scares me. I have friends in this cemetery. Curiosity draws me in and I have to go check it out, but it’s nothing but a light on a grave. Suddenly, I want to find her. That’s all that’s on my mind. I can’t find her. I’m just looking and looking frantically. My emotional dams are breaking. I can feel the tears running down my face like a stampede. I’m not sure why I’m crying but I am and that’s all that matters. Suddenly I run into some one else. The grave is big and black it reads WOLF. There is no snow in front of it. Some one must have shoveled. “Sorry I’m standing on your chest.” I say this perfectly loud. “I know I didn’t know you at all but it real sucks what happened to you. I bet if I had known you I would have been devastated.” I’m crying harder now. “I m not sure why I’m here but I’m glad I’m talking to you. I all ways wanted to meet you. I’m trying to find Katie Retell do you know were she is?” there is no answer “that’s cool. I mean if I am supposed to find her I will” I’m tired I considered sleeping there. “No that’s cool to I don’t want to interrupt your night.” And with that I left.

As I started to walk away I looked back and thought ‘that’s going to be me, but I won’t have a huge funeral or a mourning town. I’ll have a party. A “Finally it took him long enough” party. They won’t bother to buy me a coffin; in fact they won’t bother to dig a ditch. They’ll just through me in the woods, until the smell becomes so strong that they just put me in a bag, and bring me to the dump. Or who knows maybe they’ll be so overwhelmed with happiness that they won’t even mind. If they haven’t found me by now that must be what they think.’

I’m taking the back road instead of going all the way up and around the library. I’m going to Duncan Doughnuts I’m lucky I have money ‘cause I’m real thirsty. I’m at the shop now and am ordering. “Could I have a Coffee Coolata please?” I can tell that he knows I’ve been crying ‘cause he looks at me in that way where a stranger has just seen something weird you have done then tries not to do it again. I’m such a pussy. “What size?” he asks

“How much is a medium?”

“$4.58”he says. I only have four dollars

“And a small?”

“3.95”

“Okay I’ll take a small then.” Boy do I need this drink.

“Here’s your change that’ll be out in a minute.”

I’m sitting waiting for my drink and I watch him. I see him take out a small cup. But then he puts it back and takes a bigger one. Twice the size in fact. So I think wow what a nice guy. Then it occurs to me maybe there was a smaller size that I didn’t know about and he was just doing his job right. It doesn’t mater either way.

“There you go.”

“Thanks so much.”

I sit in the warm shop for a minute and think what to do next. I look at an old man on a cell phone and think about asking to borrow his. Fuck it, it’s the type of thing I would do but I’m not sure if my mom even wants to hear from me. Then I think of the whole reason I’m gone in the first place. It’s all because she wouldn’t let me go to Zak’s house. Zak’s dad is and alcoholic and my mom doesn’t feel there’s enough “supervision” or some bull shit like that so we got in a fight and I left. Fuck her! I’ll show her I don’t need her help to get somewhere! I know where I’m going again.

Good god it’s cold out. I’m so frigin cold and I feel like a retard for getting a cold drink. You never realize how dimly lit the streets can be at night until you’ve walked them. I start to approach the old new Shaws Super market when the cars start coming again. I start examining closer to see if ones mom. It isn’t. I look over to Maddens. God I love that place. I’ve been eating there since I was a baby. I want to eat there ‘till I die. Back to the graveyard thoughts. Any way I look in and think if they were open I would go in there but hell it’s gotta be 10:00 they’ve been closed for a long time. Starting to get tired. I’m at Axles out door ice cream shop and I just want to fall asleep and I could. I carry on though. As I cross the street some teenagers pull up.

“Hey buddy wanna ride?” They weren’t trying to be creepy and they weren’t being creepy.

“No I’m good thanks.”

“Are you sure? We have candy.” That was pretty funny. I laughed to myself.

“No thanks.” They were actually pretty nice.

“Okay,” he said with a shrug “see ‘ya later.” With that I crossed the road.

It’s so dark. I have picked up one of those traffic reflectors so I don’t die, but then that wouldn’t be a bad thing. It’s an up hill battle to Zak’s house from here. Literally.

Oh my god, I’m in the condo association. I’ve been down this street a million times but this time it’s different. This time I’ve been walking for three hours in the middle of winter after ditching my house. Tad different then getting called 20 minutes beforehand to go see King Kong. I go up to his house and ring the bell. 2 minutes later a middle aged man comes to the door.

“Sorry wrong house.” Oops.

This time I’m at the right place. The door bell rings and it’s the 1rst noise I’ve heard in a while. I didn’t hear the last one. Zak’s Dad comes to the door

“Hi.” There’s not much else to say.

“Get in here! Your moms been worried sick. You know the cops were called!?”

“No, sorry.” That’s when Zak runs to the door

“DUDE” is all he says

“Go wait down stairs I’m calling your mom. I’ll bring the phone down after for her to talk to you.” This time his tone wasn’t so stern.

Me and Zak walk down stairs.

“Holy Shit Dude!” That pretty much was all he could say. Zak’s Dad came down ad said “Here she is.”

“Hello?”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I’VE BEEN?!!!!?”

“Not really.”

“Well, a lot! We have an officer here and he’s going to talk to you when you get home!”

“Okay.”

“Here’s your father.” Oh great now I get to talk to dad.

“Hello?” He says.

“Hi...”

“I’m coming to pick you up your mothers very upset. Every one was looking for you, we were all concerned.” What the hell? Dads being the nice one?

“I’ll be over to pick you up soon.”

“Okay Bye.”

“Dude.” Zak says. I forgot about him. “You ran away!?”

And with a smile. “It’s not running away if you’re walking.

Hey there! Welcome to YWS, my name is Saint. Thanks for commenting on Ten Years, Twenty-Eight Days.

The first problem I see with this is that I can't read it! Your paragraphs are too bunched together and it makes for a pain on the eyes. I'd like to focus, but I just can't. Do you see how I'm putting a blank line between each of my paragraphs? Do that. Just hit the Enter key to space them out.

Once you've done that, feel free to send me a PM and I'll come back for a proper critique, okay?

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I'm gonna get right on that and personally i think that 10 years and 28 days is awesome.

First of all I'm not good at critiquing, but I will do my best!

I liked the last line the best. I thought it was pretty clver when you said You are not running away when you are walking. Also, to me it kind of sounded like a list. I did this, this happened, things like that.

Other than that, it was good.

Keep it up!

~Lashes~

Firstly, that was a great piece. I love your mention of things such as the guy at Dunkin' Doughnuts and the way he was filling the cups, or the teenagers in the car: in other words, I really like the way you pay attention to the people your character meets along the way. Your voice in this piece was great, it has a very frank, honest quality to it, which I love. Your attention to the secondary characters, to little details, and to the emotions of your character remind me (in a very, very good way) of one of my favorite authors. Brilliant job, I look forward to reading more of your work. ^_^

I did, however, spot a few small grammar and spelling mistakes.

“I’m fuckin outa here!”

I'm not totally positive about this, but I think "outta" has two "t"s.

“Fuck her!” I think to my self. “I got to go some were.”

Do you mean "somewhere"? Also, though this might just be my own personal preference, if these are thoughts, you might want to put them in italics.

I could go right and go down towards Reeds?

Again, more my personal preference, but an ellipse (...) after Reeds would give it more of a tone of hesitance or indecision, like your character is trying to think the option over. Eh, I dunno.

I look down and can see plenty of street lights.

I think "streetlights" is one word.

Time is passing and I’m getting to the four way intersection.

I think there's a hyphen in "four-way."

I could go right to see Amanda, but wait she’s at a lock down at the bowling alley.

Again, I suggest playing with the punctuation a bit to show this is the character's thought process. Like "I could go right to see Amanda... but wait, she's at a lock down at the bowling alley."

I am on a priest’s door step at 9:00 pm and its 30 degrees.

"Doorstep" is one word.

“Yah I guess” that’s all I say. “Thanks bye” then I turn and leave.

Whoops, missed some punctuation. Comma after "yah," period or comma after "thanks."

I know I didn’t know you at all but it real sucks what happened to you.

Perhaps you meant "really"?

I’m going to Duncan Doughnuts I’m lucky I have money ‘cause I’m real thirsty.

I'm not sure, but I think the company's name is actually "Dunkin' Doughnuts"

“Here’s your change that’ll be out in a minute.”

This should probably be two separate sentences.

It doesn’t mater either way.

You mean it doesn't "matter."

Zak’s dad is and alcoholic and my mom doesn’t feel there’s enough “supervision” or some bull shit like that so we got in a fight and I left.

"Bullshit" is one word. Also, this seems like... frankly, like kind of a dumb reason to storm out of your house and run off. it makes your character seem pretty selfish and immature. Of course, if that was your intention, then pay no attention to me. ^_^

“Okay Bye.”

There should be some manner of puntuation (period or comma, preferably) seperating "Okay" from "bye"

And with a smile. “It’s not running away if you’re walking.

Awesome last line, but don't forget to close your quotation marks. ^_^

Also, you changed tenses a lot in this piece. I realize that some of the tense changes are there to mark the passage of time, but there are a few that don't make sense. Just read through and see if you can find some of the places where you slipped into the wrong tense.

Great work, I really, really like this. ^_^

Hi MADD94! Welcome to YWS!

The first thing I noticed here were the numerous spelling and grammar mistakes. That turns me off when it comes to reading. Before you click the post button, make sure you check your spelling—otherwise, many people would be turned away by your writings.

The first solid paragraph is supposed to be a stream-of-consciousness, but it’s failed. It sounds more like a person writing than a person thinking—when somebody thinks, their thoughts are all over the place. Instead of writing something like:

“I thought she was ugly. Because of that, I went to the metro and did my homework on the F train.”

You should say:

“She was so incredibly ugly—I went on the F train and grabbed my homework, everybody staring at me.”

You understand? The stream-of-conciousness was so jumbled and out of place at parts that the entire story was unreadable. I couldn’t understand the story at all, to tell you the truth. You have a particular “laid-back” and “hip” style which I am not too fond of.

I REALLY hope I helped you. Just like your schoolwork or your backpack, your story needs to have an organization structure.

Alright! *rubs hands together* Lunch time!

Your beginning has potential. However, it's not as good as it could be. Which is why I'm here, right?

“I’m fuckin outa here!”

A couple things here --

Since you left off a letter in fuckin', you need an apostrophe at the end. Also, outta has two T's. And last but certainly not least, you should put "I said" at the end so that we know it's your main character (henceforth your MC) speaking and not being yelled at.

“Fuck her!” I think to myself. “I [s]got[/s] have to go somewhere.” I walk up to the sign that reads “Woodberry 2” and I stand there thinking. I could go right and go down towards Reeds, but I look and it’s dark. It’s not the type of dark where you can’t see. It’s more than that. It scares me. So I turn to the left. I look down the road and [s]can[/b] see plenty of street lights. I know which way I’m going but I’m not going yet. Instead, I sit on a snow covered rock. I wait for a while. It seems like an hour passes. Finally I get up. I begin to walk.

All of my changes are in bold.
Also, thoughts should always be in italics, not quotes. It helps to differentiate. And I don't know if I spelled that right. Another thing, I'm a bit confused as to what's going on here. I have a few unanswered questions, some of them are good to have, others are not. The good ones, such as "What's going on?" are a definite plus. Keeps me reading. At the same time, I'm asking, "What the blazes is going on?" which, under a different context, is bad. I'm wondering why your character is so angry and wandering around, but I'm wondering where. Your setting is lacking strongly. I have no idea where your character is. Where did s/he start? Where is s/he now? It's quite vague. That's definitely one thing to work on.

With every passing car I expected to get picked up and beaten with the bat called my moms voice and emotions, but I don’t.

I like the metaphor here. Although it should be "mom's"

but wait she’s at a lock down at the bowling alley.

Get rid of "wait," it does nothing for your sentence.

burger king

Burger King*. 'Tis a proper noun.

I am on a priest’s door step at 9:00 pm and its 30 degrees. I am ringing the door bell. The only sign of life within the house is a dog barking loudly. Screw it I’m turning around, but wait.

This is bit of an unnatural snippet. It needs a bit of proofreading and some fluency checks. Try reading it aloud. Write like you talk, it works wonders.

“Well maybe you should go home and talk to her about it.” He wasn’t saying that like “get lost” or “take a hike” He was giving me a sincere suggestion.

“It’s not like standing here is going to help solve your problem” He’s right. I know he’s right.

These really shouldn't be separate paragraphs; put all the priests' speech together and put the narrator's comments after all the speech.

“Yah I guess” [s]that’s[/s] is all I say. “Thanks. Bye.” [s]then[/s] I turn and leave.

A few grammatical changes, and they're in bold.

There is a tiny light far off in the distance. I’m not sure what it is but for a split second I think, “Maybe it’s a ghost?” I shake off the idea. Not that it scares me. I have friends in this cemetery. Curiosity draws me in and I have to go check it out, but it’s nothing but a light on a grave. Suddenly, I want to find her. That’s all that’s on my mind. I can’t find her. I’m just looking and looking frantically. My emotional dams are breaking. I can feel the tears running down my face like a stampede. I’m not sure why I’m crying but I am and that’s all that matters. Suddenly I run into some one else. The grave is big and black it reads WOLF. There is no snow in front of it. Some one must have shoveled. “Sorry I’m standing on your chest.” I say this perfectly loud. “I know I didn’t know you at all but it real sucks what happened to you. I bet if I had known you I would have been devastated.” I’m crying harder now. “I m not sure why I’m here but I’m glad I’m talking to you. I all ways wanted to meet you. I’m trying to find Katie Retell do you know were she is?” there is no answer “that’s cool. I mean if I am supposed to find her I will” I’m tired I considered sleeping there. “No that’s cool to I don’t want to interrupt your night.” And with that I left.

This entire paragraph is an eyesore. Each line of speech should be a new paragraph, plus it needs a good proofread because there are several grammatical errors.

I’m going to Duncan Doughnuts I’m lucky I have money ‘cause I’m real thirsty.

It's Dunkin Doughnuts, and this sentence is a run-on.

And remember, each time that someone new starts to talk, it needs to be its own paragraph.

And remember, proofread! You've got a lot of grammatical errors coming up.

They were actually pretty nice.

It makes for a really boring story when everyone's really nice. Let's get some antagonists in here, eh? Someone who's not nice!

While I like your ending, you do seem to have a huge problem with simple sentences. All of your sentences are like this. You need some variation in length. Try combining clauses. Use commas. Conjunctions help too.

See how boring that paragraph was? There's no variation in the sentences' length. Your sentence fluency is really dragging this piece down. Remember, write how you talk! I have never met someone who speaks in short, broken sentences. Try combining a few sentences, commas, conjunctions, semicolons, hyphens, the like.

You have a good idea here! Just needs a bit of work.

Keep it up!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

i liked it and i'm not gonna criticize you on spelling and what-not...soooo...i liked the narrative style and i felt kinda bad for the person...and it made me wanna go to Dunkin' Doughnuts...