Young Writers Society

II. Lena Steps In

Every day she looks out across the square,
sees the high-rises over run with plants that
fall out windows and spill off roof edges.
And then when every day, she walks to
the middle of that square, cars
diving round her, to the well-fountain
that draws up water just to throw it all back.
She has to continue, but she'd
sure stop and jump through if not for her
terribly large bubble of air in this water world.

This poem is part two of a series. To read the rest, please refer to this thread

I loved the first one, which I have just read, and can't fault, and this is just as good.You handle language skillfully and the scene which you create is very vivid. Since I'm trying to be helpful, I'll nit-pick over the word "and" in the second last line. I don;t think you really need it, because, if you'll excuse my tampering, what you've said here is;

"and then every day she walks to the middle of the square...
to the well-fountain...
and she'd jump through if..."


So I'd cut the "and" and leave "she'd jump..." as a sentence in its own right.

Overall, this was really great and I really enjoyed reading it. Your enjambment is excellent.

Yes, as Jasmine said, I'd cut down on the use of "and" - not just in the last line, though. I think it's over-used throughout this poem. Over run" should also be hyphenated, I think. Or possibly one word? Other than that, though, I have no real complaints. This is very well done

Cheers,
~bubbles

Leja,

Here we are again.



If you have questions or can't read my handwriting, please tell me.



Ta,
Cal.