Young Writers Society

I. Growing Up in Sights and Sounds

She thought everything that
was just a great green spiderweb sans
spider: spun from common agreement
without the baseline thread.

They tell us that spider webs
are stronger than steel, but when she
acrobat-fell from a midair tightrope
they only slowed her fall one after the next
so that when she hit the ground,
she landed standing up.


This poem is part one of a series. To read the rest, please refer to this thread

I really like this, great use of imagary. (I shall one day learn to spell that word.
Just a few this I couldn't get my head around.

What's 'spiderweb sans' ?
'spider: spun in common', this doesn't seem to make sense. The puntuation makes it seem like the spider itself was 'spun in common agreement'. Is this intentional?

A great start, I can't wait to read the rest of it.

Wow! It puts me in a state of confused understanding if that makes sense! Amazing!

Oh, 'Melia! *bites*


1. Growing Up in Sights and Sounds

Everything she thought she knew
was just a great green spiderweb Not sure how you want this to be read, since grammatically there should be some sort of punctuation after "spiderweb" the way it reads, but reading it fast together works, but won't be caught by every reader on a first read-through. Also, what do you think of nixing "just"? Also, makes it read faster, and transitions better to "sans" without the temptation to add an awkward pause sans
spider: spun in common agreement
without the baseline thread.

They told us that spider webs
are stronger than steel, but when she
acrobat-fell from a midair tightrope
each only slowed her fall before the next
so that when she hit the ground, I would suggest either no punctuation or a dash/semicolon, since a comma doesn't lend the right pause to the line, I don't think
she landed standing up.


Ok, couple questions! Why a green spider web? Is it a holiday reference, or something else? The second stanza makes me think of something outside, but I'm not positive. I see webs as a network or connection between something, and then the last couple lines make me think of cats -- you know the saying, a cat always lands on it's feet. So I'm not sure if you're using that as a metaphor, along with the spider web, or if I'm attempting to read into this far too much. But then going with the title, I would guess that everything's a metaphor for growing up, and spider webs as family and how they help enough to make sure you land on your feet, but you still get bruised on the fall.

Anyway! I really like this, and I can't wait to see where you go with the rest of the series!

This is largely confusing, so allow me to ramble on about certain meanings I can identify here. I'd appreciate if you expressed your meaning in response - I'm curious to what the poem would reveal after it's actual unraveling.

Everything she thought she knew
was just a great green spiderweb sans
spider:

Common question: Why green?

spun in common agreement
without the baseline thread.

I take this to be the summation of her life thusfar. Pretty simplistic, and in relation to the title, as growing up in sights and sounds is relatively baseless. I'm seeing her past as this formless spiderweb.

They told us that spider webs
are stronger than steel,

A faith in the weave and inter-relation of things. But yet, the next part raises a question that I'm unsure as to whether you wanted it raised or not. If her past was made of steel - a cold, hard, base - the fall would kill her, correct?

but when she
acrobat-fell from a midair tightrope
each only slowed her fall before the next
so that when she hit the ground,
she landed standing up.

And she falls. And survives! So it didn't catch her (which was obviously what she was told would happen), but she landed on her own two feet. A chance to start again, but it's a bittersweet ending, since she fell and was not caught in any way.

The reference to steel is the topmost thing that intrigued me. I hope you can tell me if it was just used in passing, or if it does actually have some intentional meaning behind it.

I'm going to attempt to use green things throughout the other poems for references to nature, newness, and sickness. Dunno yet if it'll work, but I'll try ^_^

spun in common agreement
without the baseline thread

I initially meant that everything people (yes, the innamable "they") had ever told her was one untruth on top of another but after a while, they piled up so much that said lies became de facto. I might look at rewording that, though.

And then when she falls, everything she's ever known has really been baseless, so it can't stop her from falling completely; yet she's not completely empty-headed so she does end up landing on her feet. Which is where the steel comes in: a spiderweb can be as strong as anything, but if it's anchored to nothing but midair (like the tightrope is), it won't even be able to hold itself up.

Wow. I really liked this - especially the second stanza. I think it was the "acrobat-fell" idea that really hooked me, though I'm not sure why.

One little nitpick; I'd change "they told us" to "they tell us" since you have "are" on the next line (or change "are" to "were") so that the tenses match.

Overall, some great imagery. I'll look forward to reading the rest of these.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Leja,

I have had this in my proper critique pile for awhile, and finally uploaded it. If you have questions or my handwriting is illegible, please tell me.



Ta,
Cal.