Where did it all go wrong?

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 920
Reviews 18
I never said
that I'd be there for you,
that I'd care for you.

I never meant
that I would stay with you,
I never wanted to.

We never had
enough to make it last,
too much to let it pass.

No you can't blame me
for the lies you've weaved,
and in my head I see
that you never will.
No you never will.

I only wanted
the best for you,
not this unrest for you.

You never wanted
to be close to me,
so is it love you seek?

They never thought
it was meant to be,
now they all can see

I don't believe
in this washed-up dream,
and so some day, you'll see
that it all went wrong.
Where did it all go wrong?



Boy, it's been a while since I wrote poetry. :)
Last edited by TriO on Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
There will come a time you'll see, with no more tears
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
~Mumford and Sons


My name is ElderMimmi.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 4257
Reviews 78
I never said
that I'd be there for you,
that I'd care for you.

I never meant
that I would stay with you,
I never wanted to.


Code
Great opening
Davantageous




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 4257
Reviews 78
I never said
that I'd be there for you,
that I'd care for you.

I never meant
that I would stay with you,
I never wanted to.

We never had
enough to make it last,
too much to let it pass.

No you can't blame me
for the lies you've weaved,
and in my head I see
that you never will.
No you never will.

I only wanted
the best for you,
not this unrest for you.

You never wanted
to be close to me,
so is it love you seek?

They never thought
it was meant to be,
now they all can see

I don't believe
in this washed-up dream,
and so some day, you'll see
that it all went wrong.
Where did it all go wrong?


Totally can see this in a song. Keep writing and you may become famous.
Davantageous




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2172
Reviews 41
While some of the end stanzas were a little choppy, this line flowed beautfifully. Yuor best one
I only wanted
the best for you,
not this unrest for you.


This line here started off beautifully, but the last sentence ended a little anit-climactically in my opinion.
I don't believe
in this washed-up dream,
and so some day, you'll see
that it all went wrong.
Where did it all go wrong?

Overall, I can really relate to this. Anyone can. I think with a little revision you're good to go.
Sincerely,
Klotrox
In memory of 1411



You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer