Out With Magic Part 3

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So this is part 3, well chapter 3 really of the project I've been working on. This will probably be the last part I post on here for a while. The first part of this chapter is under consideration for removal, in my opinion at least. I am not sure if it fits or not. I think it stretches away from the tone and mood of the rest of the story so far. Thanks for reading!


Chapter Three – A Long Journey

From the sky, it seemed like a normal night in the town of Florence, Italy. It was far from normal. A war raged inside the walls of the city. This war was quite unusual, for it was not being waged between different empires; rather it was being waged by magical beings, and non-magical beings. The magical beings were known as Magi, where as the non-magical beings were known as Nociens. Nociens was a term developed by the Magi. Nocien originally meant evil humans. As time passed and non-magical humans began to hunt Magi, Nocien began to refer to non-magical humans.
The leaders of the Nocien army had recently discovered that the city of Florence was housing the leaders of the Magi. The leader had never been seen by a nocien; not any that he knew of at least. There was a high possibility that the leader was some one of royal background. Many Nociens believed the leader of the Magi to be the current ruler of Florence, Lorenzo de' Medici. They were wrong.
Lorenzo de' Medici was a supporter of the Magi cause for he himself was a humanitarian, but he was not the leader of the Magi. Lorenzo himself had hardly met the leader. He wasn't even sure whether or not the leader was male or female, the voice sounded manly. But based on the fact that the leader had control of magic, Lorenzo thought that the leader could have disguised its voice. The leader was elusive, though Lorenzo expected this from the leader.
The Nociens struck in the late afternoon, and now it was dusk. The moon's large body was being dragged slowly across the sky as it always did. Smoke was filling the sky, blurring out the moon's distinctive shape and glow. Down on the ground large fires burned across the city, giving light to the whole city. A battle raged.
Stone buildings were toppling down all around. Chaos reigned everywhere. No one was free of its grip. The buildings that were standing were large and made of stone that was cold to the touch. The stone was colored liked rust. A large tower stood in the middle of an empty square area. The tower had an area for someone to stand. Inside that area were three archers who watched the streets below.
“Be careful not to shoot any of our allies,” whispered one of the archers. The three archers were shrouded by shadows and dressed in dark green, which looked almost black.
“How can we tell the difference?” asked another of the archers.
“You can’t,” stated the last of the three. His two comrades looked at him with blank expressions.
“Kill everyone,” yelled the first of the three. He pulled back on his bow, and then let go. The archer’s arrow flew towards a man on the ground. The man happened to be running away from something. The arrow impaled him. The man fell to the ground knees first, then his body fell forward forcing the arrow to go all the way through the body.
“It doesn’t matter what side they are on, they die,” yelled the third archer, “Incendia!” The tips of his arrows erupted in orange and red flames. The flames emitted a large enough glow that the archer’s faces were visible. The first archer had a long narrow face that had shallow cheeks. The second archer had a pudgier face; his nose was squished and broken in two places. The third archer had a small amount of stubble on his face. Along the left side of his face was a tattoo of a dragon. The tattoo was faded, almost not visible.
The third archer then proceeded to shoot three men who were running by. As they fell to the ground, the second archer turned to him to speak.
“I do think they were with us,” said the second archer.
“It doesn’t matter, I think that they were Morti,” responded the third archer. Morti was a word used to describe corrupted Magi, one who has meddled with demonic magic. The three archers continued firing arrows towards the men who ran past, each of them casting spells onto their arrows as they went.
On the ground a man with dirty blonde hair was fleeing for his life. This man happened to be the leader of the Magi. He was running from a group of men who were dressed in armor. “Contego!” yelled the man. A white light flickered around him; a sphere was formed around him. The sphere became completely invisible. The men who were chasing him fired an arrow towards him. The arrow flew into the newly formed sphere, making the sphere flickered with a pale blue light which made it visible. Afterwards, the sphere went back to a clear form.
Arrows began to barrage the man with the sphere around him. Each time an arrow hit the sphere it flickered, but each time the light became more and more red. Finally when it was a dark red, the sphere burst and it looked like shattered glass disappearing in the air.
“Don’t shoot!” yelled the third archer, as the man with dirty blonde hair ran by.
“Why?” asked the second archer.
“That’s Dax!” yelled the third archer again.
“DAX!” yelled the first of the archers. Dax, who was now in his mid-twenties, turned around and looked up at the three archers.
“Shoot the men behind me!” yelled Dax. The archers followed his orders. They killed the men who followed. Dax continued to flee. He entered a small walkway. He darted down the walkway, only to run into more men suited with armor. The men drew their swords. The blades shone in the dim light that passed through the walkway. They drew backwards and proceeded to attack.
The force of the attacks awoke Dax. He was again the age of eight. It had all been a dream. Yet the dream had felt incredibly real. He knew that he must have had another vision. This vision was quite different than all the others. He was asleep when the vision occurred, where as previously he was wide-awake. The vision was also incredibly long and vivid compared to others. Other visions were more like cryptic messages, but this one seemed straightforward and to the point.
Dax rubbed his eyes, removing the pieces of a yellow sticky substance that were in the corner of his eyes. His stomach growled loudly and was aching for food. He looked around his surroundings. He was in a dark, cold field. The grass around him was a dull yellowish gray. The grass came up over his head and he could not see exactly where he was. He could only assume that he was in the fields that once surrounded his house. His mind began to replay everything that had just occurred. He remembered Mary, who he had left at the three stones. Even though Mary was dead, Dax had high hopes that she might have come back to life.
Dax scrambled to his feet and trotted towards the forest where the stones were. As he entered into the dark forest, he saw a small footprint in the mud that covered the ground. Was it Mary's he wondered? He continued onward towards the location of the three stones.
Mary's body was gone and the three stones had been cracked. This gave Dax more hope that one day he might find Mary again. He tried thinking back to when he left Mary here. He could not remember if she still had a faint heartbeat. A memory suddenly rushed through Dax's head. The memory was of the woman who lived in the caravan. Dax knew that she would have food. He hurried out of the forest. In doing so, he didn't hear the moans that were echoing around the stones.
Dax soon saw the woman's caravan. She seemed to be packing up and would soon leave this spot. Beyond the horizon where the town with smoke rising from it once laid, Dax saw nothing but a barren empty shell of a wall. Dax took little notice of this though. Dax ran towards the caravan, nearly falling several times.
"Child? What are you doing here?" asked the woman as she saw Dax fumbling towards her.
"Doth thou have any food to spare?" asked Dax. His stomach seemed to hurt more as he thought about food.
"Of course child. Come on over here," answered the woman. The woman held out a bowl that was full of a foul smelling food. Something looked like rotten meat floated in the stew. Dax, despite the horrid spell, ate the stew as if it were the best tasting food in the world. In reality the stew tasted just as horrid as the smell.
"Where are you heading?" asked Dax.
"London," answered the woman.
"What is thy name?" asked Dax curiously.
"Danica Bane."
--------------
Dax lay asleep inside a rather large caravan. Around him were laced lined pillows. The pillows had an odd pattern on them. Candles lay all around; they provided very little light. The light that they did provide was enough for Dax to see enough of the room. He was asleep on a hard mattress. The wood of the caravan seemed rotten and old. It was painted warm colors, but the paint was chipping away. There were red velvet curtains hanging in front of the mattress. They were tied to the wall with an old, golden yellow rope. From outside the caravan a conversation could be heard between two people.
“Doth thou realize the problems this child may cause for you?” asked one voice. It was a male’s voice and sounded deep and raspy.
“Why of course, He is all alone though, what else am I to do?” said a woman’s voice. The voice belonged to Danica, the strange woman who Dax had met the previous day.
“Having ‘em with thou will cause the loss of innocence,” said the man.
“I understand the risks Bril,” said Danica.
“Does he recognize them though? No he doesn’t. And he may never understand it. All I am saying is he will lose his childhood if he travels with you. The others will never leave him alone for they will believe he has learned about what we search for. He will be forced to fight for his life,” said Bril.
“I can try and protect him,” stated Danica.
“You will fail if you do. The best you can do is leaving him,”
“I will make this right,”
“This is your entire fault you know, if only you traveled like the rest of us. Rather you travel like a common Nocien,”
“I’m sorry that I am not normal.”
"You haven't found anything here have you?"
"Sadly I have failed that assignment," stated Danica. She then quickly added, "Which is the reason why I am going to travel towards London,"
"Well good luck. Lucifer grows restless. Promise me that you will decide what you are going to do with the boy," said Bril. His voice then disappeared.
Dax was still laying asleep inside the caravan. He was having the same dream he had had the previous night. He was leading a war for magical beings called Magis. He was fighting against people without magic called Nociens. The attack of swords had just occurred in his dream, and now he was awake and was full of fear. The door to the caravan opened and shut rapidly with a clank.
"Good. You're awake," said Danica’s voice coming from in front of the curtains. Danica had just walked in and was now sitting on the floor next to the bed.
"Where am I?" asked Dax.
"In my caravan. You fell asleep after you ate my stew last night. Never answered my question about your name, though," stammered Danica.
"My name is Dax," stated Dax. A look of relief fell over Danica. She sighed slightly. For a second she forgot about her conversation with Bril earlier. She still did not know what to do with Dax.
"Well Dax, as I told you last night, my name is Danica."
"Thank you for the food Danica."
"Of course child. You looked like you hadn't eaten in days."
"Danica, where are we going?"
"Well I had planned on heading towards London before you showed up. Now I need to get you home. Where do you live child?"
"No where now."
Danica suddenly looked at Dax with sympathy. She knew that his sister had died, but not that he had no home. This made her feel worse about the decision she was going to have to make soon. She urged Dax to go back to sleep, for he would have a long day tomorrow. She too began to fall asleep as she lay on the floor. She was thinking about what could have killed Dax's sister. She thought about asking Dax, but she decided it was better not to bring it up. She fell asleep too fast, for after she fell asleep moaning sounds came from outside. The moaning sounded like the words "Dax, help."
Dax woke up bright and early as he always did. The sun shone thru thick layers of patchy gray clouds. He left the caravan in search of a field to lie in, but none could be found. All that was around were gray grass and small streams that contained more rocks than water. He noticed that the clouds seemed to be less lively. They seemed almost dead. This bothered him. Had he lost his grasp on the clouds; he had lost his grasp on reality as well?
All around him he was seeing images of his sister and parents. The image of his father disturbed him, for he had never said goodbye to him, he only said goodbye to his mother. The image of his sister seemed incomplete, as if part of her were still alive. This flicker of hope gave him the will to live.
He wandered around the countryside before he found his way back to the caravan. Danica was outside sitting on the ground. She seemed worried. Yet almost at the same time there was a flicker of relief in her eyes. Her face was tense and clammy. Once she caught a glimpse of Dax, this all seemed to disappear.
"Where did you go?" she asked.
"For a walk," said Dax. He lacked emotion in his voice. He was unusually brief and straightforward. He would normally have detailed where he went, but he did not feel like it.
"Are you hungry?" asked Danica.
"No."
"Are you ready to leave for London?"
"I am following you aren’t I?."
Danica took this answer as a ‘yes’. She began to pack up all of her clothes, and pots. After she had finished packing, she hooked the horse up to the caravan and sat on the wooden seat that was fastened to the front of the caravan next to the horse.
"You can sit with me, or sit on the inside,"
"I'll sit with you."
Dax got up and sat down next to Danica. This was the safest he had felt in a while. Even though it had only been a few days since the encounter with the serpent, it seemed like a life time to Dax. The horse carried the caravan through the land for a long while before anything was spoken. It was Danica who broke the silence.
"When I first met you, you mentioned magic as if it was a real thing. When I said it wasn't real, you call me a liar. I'm not liar," stated Danica.
"Magic is real. I can use it," stated Dax.
"I can as well. I'm what you would call a Magi," said Danica. She had not called herself that for years it seemed. It was almost implied that she was a magi when she met others.
"You can use magic?"
"I just said that, didn't I?"
"I am surprised. You acted like someone who couldn't use magic."
"I'm not a nocien. Trust me, I'm a magi." Danica smiled after this statement, revealing rotten decaying yellow teeth. Dax smiled back awkwardly.
The land that Danica and Dax traveled pass was the same old gray toned grass that was growing out of control. Occasionally they would cross over wooden bridges that were above a stream. The streams were never as fantastic as the ones by Dax's home. They also sometimes crossed over stone bridges. The stone bridges seemed to be over smaller streams; that, ocording to Danica, could be easily crossed without a bridge. One thing that Dax took notice of was the fact that the trees were not near as daunting as they were in the forest by his home. Most of the trees were old and billowing. Dax thought that if the trees could talk, they would be kind and warm hearted. One peculiar thing that Dax noticed as they traveled was the shadow that the caravan casted behind them. It seemed far larger than it should be. The shadow almost seemed alive.
They soon came across the most peculiar landscape. There was a hill of rocks that seemed piled on top of each other. The rock themselves looked cracked and jagged. Grass grew in between the cracks and on top of the rocks. The grass was a warmer green than Dax had seen for a while. There were speckles of multicolored plants in the grass. Tall brushes with red trunks grew above the grass.
It was here in this landscape that Dax and Danica set up camp after their first day of travel. Dax helped Danica unload the caravan. She set up a cauldron, with wood piled around it. With a wave of her hand, the wood erupted in flames, heating the cauldron.
"Dax," she asked, "could you go find some meat?"
"I can try," answered Dax. Danica handed him a bow, and a single arrow.
"Use it wisely," she stated. Dax had only used a bow and arrow once before in his life. He was not very good at it. He knew that Danica was most likely regretting sending an eight-year-old child to find food with a bow and arrow. As Dax walked off towards the forest the sun was barely making contact with the horizon. The shadows cast by the forest stretched out and tangled together as they grew in the direction of Danica. They seemed drawn to her, almost as if she were in fact controlling them.
The trees seemed to invite Dax in-- they were not scary at all. The forest was bright and vibrant. The leaves of the trees were generally green, but occasionally there were a few red and yellow leaves. The ground was covered with a moss like substance, as well as some twigs that had fallen out of trees. The landscape was full of hills and rocks. A creek was running through a large hill. It created a miniature cliff. The creek flooded into a pond. Around the pond were large plants. The plants roots became more prominent out of the ground, as it got closer to the edge of pond.
There was a small deer that happened to be drinking water from the pond. Dax caught sight of this deer. As he did so he slowed down trying to make as little noise as possible. Dax's footsteps rustled the grass below his feet, causing the deer to flinch. The deer's head perked up from the water below. Its ears twitched, it looked all around the land searching for the source of the noise. Dax dropped down to the ground without making a noise. Dax prepared his bow and arrow. He was ready to shoot the deer.
Dax took a slow deep breath. Everything but he slowed down. Time began to flow slower for everything around. The deer's head slowly went back to the water. He pulled back on the bow, preparing to let go of the arrow. The wind blew slowly around him; his breaths became shorter, lighter, and fainter. The deer heard something and began to move. Dax, though, had plenty of time to let go of the arrow. As he let go, time began to flow back in its normal pattern. Everything around Dax went back to its normal speed. The arrow plunged deep inside the deer, killing it.
Dax rushed over to the deer and pulled the arrow out of the dead body. Moaning sounds began to echo around him. The sounds sounded like someone was saying his name. His heart pounded fast. Something could be heard moving in the forest around him.
"MARY!" yelled Dax. He began to cry. He continued hearing the sounds. "Where are you? I am here. I'll help you!"
With the last words spoken, Dax fell to the ground crying with grief. The images of his family appeared all around him. The image of Mary was even fainter than before. Dax screamed loud with pain. His heart hurt. The image of his father was shrouded in shadows; similar to the way the serpent disappeared. His mother had a bright and cheery smile on her face, even though her body was bloody and looked like it was decaying. Something screamed loudly with a high pitch tone off in the distance. Dax did not take notice of this.
"DAX!" yelled a woman's voice.
"Mary! I am here!" yelled Dax.
"Calm down. It's me Danica," said Danica as she walked over to Dax and bent down. Her sympathetic look calmed Dax. She saw the deer and went over and picked it up. She carried it back to the caravan, while Dax followed.
After they returned to the caravan and ate, Dax went inside to sleep. For the first time in a while, he did not have a dream. This was both good news and bad news to Dax. It was good news for the war dream was beginning to frighten him. It was bad news for he felt he had lost his one last connection to his family.
Dax woke early the next morning. The sun was already up in the bright blue sky. He walked out of the dark caravan into the bright landscape that surrounded it. The world seemed brighter today than it had for many days.
Dax walked to the large rock structure that was not far from the caravan. The structure was shaped like a hill with grass growing out of the cracks. Dax found a flat surface to lie on. He stared up at the sky as he always did back at his home. The clouds here didn't respond to him like they used to. This made Dax feel as though he had lost yet another connection with his family. He wished that he would see images of his family again just so he would feel connected to them. He could not bear the sadness of knowing that he would never see them again.
"Why do you always get up so early?" asked Danica. She had followed Dax out of the caravan to this spot. She only wished to comfort him. She had seen the pain he was in the previous day and did not wish to see him like that again. She knew that eventually, after she made her decision, he might be in more pain.
"I used to go stare at the clouds with my sister. We had a connection to them that seemed to die with her," responded Dax.
Danica sat down next to Dax. She had a sincere look on her face. She wanted to make Dax feel as though his life was not ruined. She waved her hand in the sky, which resulted in the formation of clouds. Dax took over after that. He made the clouds tell Danica the story of how Mary had perished. Danica became sad as the story continued.
"I am so sorry Dax," she stated after the clouds' story was over.
"There was nothing you could do," said Dax. A few drops of tears rolled down his cheeks. "I was the only one who could have saved her, and I failed to stand up for myself. I sat back like the coward I truly am."
"Don't say that, you are not a coward. And besides I feel as though I could have saved her," said Danica. "I lied about magic to you."
"Are we planning to leave soon?" asked Dax.
"I already packed."
Dax and Danica walked back to the caravan and prepared to leave. Dax was happier than he had been, but he still has a melancholy look to him. Knowing that he could once again manipulate the clouds made him feel closer to Mary. But this feeling made him miss her more.
Soon Dax and Danica were on their way towards London. Dax could smell that salty air as they traveled close to the coast. The ocean was marvelous. The clear blue water crashed against the rocky coast with loud mighty roars. The waves grew whiter as they became bigger. Dax noticed that the grassy areas abruptly stopped and fell into the coastline, forming cliffs and other rocky features. The path followed the winding coast. Soon they came upon a large craggy cliff.
Tall grass grew up to the point in which the cliff dropped off to the ocean below. The cliff itself looked almost like a mountain peak. On one side it was grassy and full of life; the other side was rocky and deprived of live. The rock was a dull golden color as it tapered down to the ocean and formed ledges that grew small yellow plants.
Dax jumped off of the caravan to run over to the cliff. He stared in awe towards the ocean and rocks below. He continued walking forward until he felt a rock beneath his feet topple towards the ocean. In his mind, he suddenly saw an image of himself falling towards the ocean.
"Don't get to close!" yelled Danica from the caravan. Dax ran back to the caravan and got back up to his seat next to Danica.
They continued their travels along the coastline. Out in the ocean Dax saw what appeared to be three mountain peaks poking out of the ocean water. Dax was filled with wonderment at the sight of this. A large magnificent rock arch soon overcame the sight of the peaks from the water. The arch formed out of the cliffs that lined the coast and connected to a small island that seemed randomly placed in the ocean.
The top of the arch was flat with foliage growing with little end in sight. All around the flat top were jagged sides that fell to the ground. You could not cross to the top without being impaled by the stones. The archway was mostly over the ocean below. They were on a small branch of the beach that ran through the arch though.
"There's a path down to it!" yelled Dax with excitement. He hopped off of the caravan.
" Its of no use to us," stated Danica.
"Yes it does. We should set up camp down on the beach. Just think fish for dinner," stated Dax. He ran down to the beach below. Danica reluctantly followed him. She wanted Dax to be happy for just little bit longer.
Dax and Danica set up the caravan to stay down on the beach. The sun set beautifully, and Dax thought he saw something off in the distance. He eventually brushed off the thought as mere ships that might be sailing off in the distance. There they slept, peacefully. It wasn't until morning that any major problems occurred.
Dark clouds were rolling in overhead. A storm brewed in the ocean. Lightning flashed through the sky. Thunder rolled through the sky, making its voice heard. A bolt of yellow tinted light rushed down to the earth just next to Dax and Danica's camp. A large bellowing crack developed from the impact. The ground shook slightly. The thunder continued rolling for at least two minutes straight.
"What was that!" yelled Dax after the impact awoke him.
"A storm is coming child. Get in the caravan!" yelled Danica. Dax followed orders. He scrambled towards the caravan. As he opened the door, he heard moans coming from the direction of the arch. They reminded him of the moans from the forest. Disobeying his directions he ran towards the arch. He knew it had to be Mary. He knew that he had been right in having the small flicker of hope that she was alive. He just knew it.
Danica saw Dax run away. Her heart jumped with fear, she had grown attached to Dax and she couldn't let him get hurt. She had not realized until now how attached she had grown to Dax. She ran after him realizing that things would be a bit more difficult for her.
"MARY!" yelled Dax as he reached the arch. Another flash rolled through the sky, followed by another crack. The images of his family began to appear again. Mary was even more apparent than she was before. Dax knew this meant she had to be alive. He saw movement just beyond the arch. Another bolt of lightning rushed down. It impacted the side of the arch, causing debris to fall to the ground were Dax was heading. A scream echoed through the air.
"DAX! No!" yelled Danica thinking that he had been crushed in the falling debris. Dax had managed to avoid the debris. The moaning stopped and the images of Dax's family disappeared. Dax ran to Danica. Together the two walked back to the caravan. Dax felt comfort from the sight of Danica, almost like he did at the sight of his own mother.
The two soon began their journey again. London was less than a day away. As they journeyed, the salty smelling sea air began to dissipate. It was replaced with the foul odor of an English city. The path they traveled on never crossed any points of interest. Most of what they saw was fields of grass. The grass was sometimes green; other times it was a warm yellow color. Dax sat silently throughout most of the trip. He thought he was so close to finding Mary alive. He had not been though, or had he? He wondered if it was all his imagination, or if it was truly reality. The more he contemplated the idea of Mary being alive, the more guilty he felt about her death. He truly believed that he could have saved her. He believed that had he known, or used, the right magic Mary might still be alive today.
As they grew closer to London, trees began to form on the side of the path. The trees were inviting, and seemed to be bright, rather than the evil looking trees from the forest near Dax's home. London soon grew in their sights. A bridge needed to be crossed before they could enter the city. The bridge was over a medium sized stream. The bridge was made of a grey stone. There were five towers on each side of the bridge that ran back and forth from one side of the stream to the other. On the even numbered towers, there was a hole for one to look though.
The first sights of the city were buildings that were made of brick. The buildings were reminiscent of buildings found in other parts of Europe, but they had their own unique twist. High above the buildings was a castle like structure. Dax was not sure whether or not this was an actual castle or just a tower with a large building beside it. The structure was grey. It had one large tower, which had a blue flag on the top of it.
"Welcome to London," said Danica after she and Dax crossed into the city. Danica, at this time, finally had decided what she was going to do with Dax.




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Two thing before I begin:
1) YOU HAVE AN AWESOME AVATAR! Whew... breathe... breathe :)
2) You're my 350th review! So thanks for that *pats brand new shiney star*

*ehem*

RoarShark wrote:From the sky, it seemed like a normal night in the town of Florence, Italy. It was far from normal.[/quote] this seems a little repetetive.
RoarShark wrote:The magical beings were known as Magi, where as the non-magical beings were known as Nociens. Nociens was a term developed by the Magi. Nocien originally meant evil humans. As time passed and non-magical humans began to hunt Magi, Nocien began to refer to non-magical humans.
I know you can expand this, pull me into the story more!

I can't actually offer many grammer tips in this, you've fixed most of it yourself. Firstly, remember to show and not tell and secondly, I think when the archers were talking it would have been nice to give them names. Otherwise you have to consistently type 'the second archer' etc.
Keep typing!




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Moved to Fantasy Novels.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Great! You used some good adjectives!!

'Dax walked to the large rock structure that was not far from the caravan. The structure was shaped like a hill with grass growing out of the cracks. Dax found a flat surface to lie on. He stared up at the sky as he always did back at his home. The clouds here didn't respond to him like they used to. This made Dax feel as though he had lost yet another connection with his family. He wished that he would see images of his family again just so he would feel connected to them. He could not bear the sadness of knowing that he would never see them again.'

^^^^
That's probably my favorite paragraph :) Keep writing!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me




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Hi! I haven't read the other chapters, but I'm pretty sure you probably repeat yourself a lot in the first paragraph. Even if you don't, you do a lot of telling rather than showing in this paragraph. Maybe you should try to think of a different, interesting way to explain what the terms mean. I'd give a suggestion how to do that, but I'm stumped, so good luck with that. How do you hardly meet someone? You can hardly know, but you either have met someone, or you don't.
"The Nociens struck in the late afternoon, and now it was dusk. The moon's large body was being dragged slowly across the sky as it always did. Smoke was filling the sky, blurring out the moon's distinctive shape and glow. Down on the ground large fires burned across the city, giving light to the whole city. A battle raged." You jump around a little bit in this paragraph. I think you should start by talking about the moon, then mention that the Nociens struck in the late afternoon, and then go in to detail about the battle. I think you should mention which side at more people, which side has the upper hand, which side was winning slightly, or, more likely, is it impossible to tell. I think you could make the chapter a tad bit shorter, but that's just me. Good job, though.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
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Reviews 19
tgirly wrote:Hi! I haven't read the other chapters, but I'm pretty sure you probably repeat yourself a lot in the first paragraph. Even if you don't, you do a lot of telling rather than showing in this paragraph. Maybe you should try to think of a different, interesting way to explain what the terms mean. I'd give a suggestion how to do that, but I'm stumped, so good luck with that. How do you hardly meet someone? You can hardly know, but you either have met someone, or you don't.
"The Nociens struck in the late afternoon, and now it was dusk. The moon's large body was being dragged slowly across the sky as it always did. Smoke was filling the sky, blurring out the moon's distinctive shape and glow. Down on the ground large fires burned across the city, giving light to the whole city. A battle raged." You jump around a little bit in this paragraph. I think you should start by talking about the moon, then mention that the Nociens struck in the late afternoon, and then go in to detail about the battle. I think you should mention which side at more people, which side has the upper hand, which side was winning slightly, or, more likely, is it impossible to tell. I think you could make the chapter a tad bit shorter, but that's just me. Good job, though.


Ya the beginning of the chapter really doesn't fit with the rest does it? I think that I am going to try and make the "dream" shorter and more mysterious.

Narnialover4ever1 wrote:Great! You used some good adjectives!!

'Dax walked to the large rock structure that was not far from the caravan. The structure was shaped like a hill with grass growing out of the cracks. Dax found a flat surface to lie on. He stared up at the sky as he always did back at his home. The clouds here didn't respond to him like they used to. This made Dax feel as though he had lost yet another connection with his family. He wished that he would see images of his family again just so he would feel connected to them. He could not bear the sadness of knowing that he would never see them again.'

^^^^
That's probably my favorite paragraph :) Keep writing!


Thanks!

Kitty15 wrote:Moved to Fantasy Novels.


Thanks,



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind