based on peter pan story with my twist

one night your window was open
so i sat on the sill
and watched you try to sleep
i told you that i could fly you out of this place so you took my hand and said let's go.
and we jumped,
you let go of everything sturdy in your life
and gravity was merciless,
but i helped you crash and burn
i showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing
tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
i told you, 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed and said
'good, cus i don't love you.'
i said you're right. i don't love me either.

ok, first off

and we jumped

that doesn't sound quite right... you have a period at the end of the line above it, so changing it to a comma would help that (unless you want to take the and out all tgehter).

and gravity was merciless,
but i helped you crash and burn

here, the and works (i still don't like it, but that's me) but crash and burn? crash maybe, but burn? what do you mean by that?

"innocent bystander eyes; the bystander sounds out of place to me, so i would suggest taking it out, or changing the adj to fit the flow and meaning of the poem.

i told you, 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed and said
'good, cus i don't love you.'
i said you're right. i don't love me either.

i like these lines ;D

thanks for fixing some of those things, it really helps
but some things i can explain:
i put crash and burn together because they go tegether, they're like a pair, and same with innocent bystander eyes because the eyes are innocent bystanders.
get my drift?
thanks for you comment

Ok, Hello! I am here for some nitpicking. I may change something into proper English, and I am not sure if It was supposed to be that way, or if you just were used to shortened speech or what, but here are my nitpicks:

One night, your window was open,
so I sat on the windowsill,
and watched you try to sleep.
I told you that I could fly you out of this place, so you took my hand and said let's go,
and we jumped.
You let go of everything sturdy in your life,
and gravity was merciless,
but I helped you crash and burn.
I showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing,
that tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
I told you that you don't have to love anyone. You laughed and said,
'Good, Because i don't love you.'
I said 'You're right, I don't love me either.'

That is what I think should be changed in this piece so that it flows better and looks better. Other than That, I liked the poem. You did very well on this piece.

Anyways, good job, good work, and good luck in future writing!



----LostMagi

Hi there!

Wow, this sounds interesting. All right, my comments are in #BF0000 ">red below.

rayannes life wrote:one night your window was open
so i sat on the #BF0000 ">windowsill
and watched you try to sleep #BF0000 ">I think it sounds better this way.
i told you that i could fly you out of this place so you took my hand and said let's go. #BF0000 ">Put quotation marks around the underlined words.
and we jumped,
you let go of everything sturdy in your life
and gravity was merciless,
but i helped you crash and burn
i showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing
tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
i told you, 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed and said
'good, cus #BF0000 ">'cause i don't love you.'
i said you're right. i don't love me either.

This is a very interesting piece. I think you could've ended it differently. It seems kind of abrupt just to say, 'I hate myself'. You know what I mean?

Overall it wasn't that bad. Keep writing!

"one night your window was open#FF0000 ">,
so #FF0000 ">I sat on the sill
and watched you try to sleep#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">I told you that #FF0000 ">I could fly you out of this place#FF0000 ">, so you took my hand and said#FF0000 ">: #FF0000 ">'let's go#FF0000 ">'.
and we jumped#FF0000 ">.
you let go of everything sturdy in your life
and gravity was merciless,
but #FF0000 ">I helped you crash and burn#FF0000 ">;
#FF0000 ">I showed you that a heart is no more than a throbbing, beating thing#FF0000 ">-
tears are just water droplets shed from your
innocent bystander eyes.
#FF0000 ">I told you#FF0000 ">: 'you don't have to love anyone' you laughed#FF0000 ">, and said#FF0000 ">:
'good, #FF0000 ">cause #FF0000 ">I don't love you.'
#FF0000 ">I said you're right. I don't love me either."

interesting and deep twist, loved it.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.