The Blazen Chapter #4

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Spoiler
Sorry for how long it is! Okay, so, this chapter isn't going to make sense unless you read the one before it. Plaese reveiw! I'm not sure if I made his death to quick or not, so tell me! :)


A few hours and a long drive later, Callie and Steven were walking through the forest. The rest of the raid was walking some ten minutes behind them, and Grey was walking on top of the trees.
Callie felt awkward. They had been walking in silence for a long time, but she didn’t know what to say. She had noticed that Steven was upset but was trying to hide it.
“I think we’re almost there.” Steven said, breaking the silence.
“Yeah.”
‘Dot, dot, dot…’ Callie thought, grumpily. ‘Why does he have to be so stupid that he can’t even think of something to say?’
“So… It’s a nice night out, isn’t it?” Steven said. He sounded as awkward as Callie.
“Really?” Callie said, annoyed.
“What do you mean by really?”
“Really, as in, ‘really? You’re walking through a forest with a pretty girl in the middle of the night and all you can talk about is the weather?’”
“Well, I’m not walking through the forest with a pretty girl, now am I?”
“You know, all that anger’s going to make you go bald.” Callie retaliated.
“That’s going to happen later. At least I don’t have to deal with an ugly face right now.”
Callie stared at him, warningly. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that. You’ll get bad Karma.”
“You know I don’t believe in that stuff.” Steven said. Almost as he said it, a pinecone dropped, and it hit the ground right next to Steven with a thump. He and Callie stared at it in shock.
“Okay, that was weird.” Steven said, right before another one fell on his other side. This time, though, instead of staring at it, Steven looked up and shook his fist with a triumphant smile and shouted, “Ha! Missed universe!”
A moment later, a third one came down, hitting him square in the nose. Callie started laughing hysterically. Holding his now bleeding nose, Steven began to stomp away. Callie looked up into the treetops until she saw Grey, and then gave him a thumbs up before running to catch up to Steven.
A few minutes later, they were kneeling behind a bush, looking out at the Blazed prison. A few guards stood next to the door. One of them seemed to be asleep.
“Alright, I’ll take that one over there and you take-.” Steven was cut off by Callie suddenly jumping up. The guards were out cold soon after.
Steven rolled his eyes and followed her over to the door. “What, is the door stuck?” he asked sarcastically, after seeing that she hadn’t gone inside yet.
She glared at him. “Come on, just pick the lock already.” Steven smiled and began to break in. After a few seconds, they heard a click, and opened the door…
…And was instantly surrounded by fifty or so guns.
Someone shouted “Put your hands up!” and Callie and Steven slowly complied. “Nice Steven. Look what you did.” Callie hissed.
“Do you have a plan?” Steven said.
“Never.”
“What should we do?”
Callie thought for a moment. “Can you handle things here?”
“What? Are you crazy?”
“Of course.”
After a moment of silence, Steven nodded slowly.
“Great. I’ll be back in a jiffy.” But before she could leave, Grey walked in through the door.
“Hey guys, how’s it going?” Grey said. He seemed to not even notice the guns pointed at him.
“Pretty good. How ‘bout you?” Callie put her arms down and relaxed. So did Steven.
“I’m fine.” Grey smiled and motioned towards the men with guns. “Do you guys need some help here?”
“That’d be nice, thank you.” Steven said sarcastically.
Grey turned to the thugs and said, “I am terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to put down your guns and surrender.” A laugh went through the crowd, and someone shouted “Yeah right!”
“Fine.” Grey said, and moved his arm forward. An instant later, every single man holding a gun, was on the ground, charred.
“That was gruesome.” Steven said, but started walking to the other wall anyways.
“Thanks.” Callie said and started following him.
“Your welcome.”
Once they had all made it to the other side, Steven pulled out a map. “Alright. Through this door, there should be a fork in the hallway. We need to go left. Oh, and guys,” Steven looked mostly at Callie when he said this, “Gen said, don’t attack anyone unless they try to attack us first. Got it?” Callie and Grey nodded reluctantly. “Good. Okay, let’s go.”
They hurried through the door and turned left, straight into a wall. Steven laughed, “You dummies! The fork’s up ahead.” Grey and Callie glared at Steven holding their foreheads as he laughed, and then started walking again.
Grey walked around the corner first. After looking both ways, he motioned for the others to follow. They walked for a few minutes before Steven stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Callie asked, stopping too.
“Don’t you think it’s odd, that the only people we ran into were probably only around level two hundred or so?” Callie pulled out her swords, but Grey didn’t seem to be bothered by it much.
He said, “Yes, I did find it odd. But we can handle anything that comes our way.”
“I still think that we should be a little more careful.” Steven said.
Callie nodded in agreement, “I agree. They could be using the rest of their men, including the more powerful ones, in an ambush.”
Grey nodded, too. “Make sense.” They began walking again, this time, their swords out and at the ready.
After a while they came to a hall that had four doors on either side. “Which way?” Callie asked looking from door to door. Steven nodded towards a door to the left and Grey opened it slowly.
His eyes suddenly grew wide, and a moment later he jumped out of the way of a large swarm of bugs that took the door off of its hinges. In a few seconds the door was gone, eaten up by the swarm. Once they were done with the door they saw Grey and started to fly after him.
He ran down the corridor, trying to shoot back at them, but everywhere he hit was soon filled in by more bugs. “I’ve got them!” Callie shouted. She threw up her hands, fire shooting from her fingertips. The bugs caught on fire and fell to the ground in ashes.
Everyone stood there, for a moment, staring at where the bugs were, as the burned. Grey motioned for them to try to go through the door again, this time, a little more carefully. Callie and Steven nodded, and slowly moved towards the door. After a moment of standing next to the door for a moment, Grey kicked the door, bursting it open.
The door flew open into a dark room, flooding it with light. Callie slowly moved inside, looking all around. There were a few tables up against the wall, and a chair off in another corner, but other than that, the room was empty. “Callie!” Steven was suddenly next to her. “There’s a door over there.” Callie nodded for him to go check it out. Steven nodded back. He moved towards the door, and slowly turned the handle.
Steven was suddenly hit with the door as it flew off its hinges, sending him flying to the other wall with a loud thud.
“Steven!” Callie shouted.
Grey turned to Callie quickly and said, “Go make sure he’s okay! I can handle this guy.” Callie nodded and ran over to where Steven lay and started working on removing the door.
Grey turned back to where the door used to be, to see a man standing there, swords at the ready. Grey pulled out his own swords and said, “Hello. You must be John Scarson.”
The man smiled. “Yes, that’s me. But I’m afraid I don’t know your name.”
“And you never will.” Grey smiled, and then spread out his hands.
Lightning shot out of his hands electrifying the room, like fireworks. Scarson’s confident expression turned to one of pure terror. Grey smiled, and lunged.

Callie groaned under the weight of the heavy metal door as she dropped it a few feet away from Steven. She turned back around to see him trying to get up.
“Don’t do that!” She said, pushing him back down.
“But” He gasped in pain, “Grey needs help. There’s…Crap!...Another one.”
“I’ll handle her. You stay here. I’ll be back in a minute.” Callie turned back to where Grey was fighting and moved towards the gaping doorway. She stopped in front of it, and peeked her head inside, to see a young woman, about fourteen, staring back at her. Before Callie could ask who she was, the girls hand shot up, sending another swarm of flying spiders after Callie.
Callie through up her own hand, burning the bugs again. She looked at the girl in shock. “So you’re the one who sent those bugs. Sweet! You’re going to be fun to fight!” Callie’s look of shock turned to excitement, as she realized that this must be Serra Clark.
“I’m afraid it won’t be much of a fight.” Serra stood up more confidently and spread out her hand again.
“You should know by now that that doesn’t work on me.” Callie said, swishing the bugs aside with her fire for the third time.
And was suddenly surprised to see two other waves of bugs coming straight for her.
Callie took a few steps back out of the room, dodging the bugs and lighting them with flames over and over again. She soon realized that this was not working. She thought for a moment, and then lit the floor on fire in a half circle around her, and sat down.
Serra screamed as she found out that her waves of bugs were useless, and started sending them out faster. “You were right,” Callie said, mock yawning, “This isn’t much of a fight.” This only made the girl scream louder and try harder.
“In fact,” Callie started, “You should think about qui-.” She was cut off by a loud scream of pain. Callie turned to where the noise came from quickly, and saw a horror.
Grey stood, a little ways away, a knife stabbed through his back. He stared at Callie for a moment, and she saw his eyes glaze over as he fell to the ground. Callie called his name. He lay still. “No.” she whispered. “No. No, no, no, no, no, NO!” She began to scream as she stood up. She couldn’t believe it. A pain grew in her stomach, as if a part of her had died with Grey. Callie saw the man who had killed him. She didn’t care who he was, but he stood there with a grin on his face, Grey’s blood dripping from his sword. Callie screamed with rage and began to chase after him as he walked away, out the door they had come through to get in.
Callie thought of everything that she was going to do to him, about tearing him apart, about how she would kill him.
Steven saw this happening. He saw Callie’s pain, and then her bloodlust filled eyes. “Callie?” He suddenly noticed something that Callie didn’t. “Callie!” He shouted, trying to warn her as he rummaged through his bag, but he was too late.
The swarm of bugs reached Callie, blocking Steven’s view. He heard her screaming inside the swarm. “C’mon, where are you?” Steven whispered, still rummaging through his sack. “There you are!” He shouted. He pulled out what he had found and threw it straight for Serra Clark.
The knife struck the girl in the heart. She screamed and fell to the ground, and the bugs fell with her. And so did Callie.
Steven jumped up as quickly as he could and limped over to her. “Callie? Callie are you okay?” Steven fell down next to her and tried to wake her up. She lay limp. He checked for a pulse, and breathed a sigh of relief.
Gen burst through the door, his men close behind. “What took you so long?” Steven asked Gen.
“Got lost. What happened?” Gen motioned for a few men to go look at Grey. “Is he all right?” Steven gave Gen a look. There was a moment of silence, and then Gen turned to Callie. “How about her?”
Steven nodded his head. “She’s okay, just knocked out. Let’s take them back to base.” Gen nodded back.
As they took Callie out, though, no one seemed to notice a small bug crawl up Callie’s wrist.

Spoiler
So, in case you don't know, the bug that just crawled up her arm is the one that the story is about. You know, the extra twist to ruin poor Callie's life. :)
Life is to be lived, not survived.




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Okay! So the main thing I noticed when reading this is that a lot of your conversations between characters simply go back and forth without any real description. It kind of reminded me of a game of tennis.
As an example:
icebender28 wrote:“You know, all that anger’s going to make you go bald.” Callie retaliated.
“That’s going to happen later. At least I don’t have to deal with an ugly face right now.”
Callie stared at him, warningly. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that. You’ll get bad Karma.”

Try to put some more feeling behind the words.

My other comment involved them being surrounded by fifty guns... why would she think to try and leave? Surely they would just shoot at her?

This is well paced, and the grammer seems good. Keep on typing!




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Good grammar!

'Grey stood, a little ways away, a knife stabbed through his back. He stared at Callie for a moment, and she saw his eyes glaze over as he fell to the ground. Callie called his name. He lay still. “No.” she whispered. “No. No, no, no, no, no, NO!” She began to scream as she stood up. She couldn’t believe it. A pain grew in her stomach, as if a part of her had died with Grey. Callie saw the man who had killed him. She didn’t care who he was, but he stood there with a grin on his face, Grey’s blood dripping from his sword. Callie screamed with rage and began to chase after him as he walked away, out the door they had come through to get in. '

You are really good at writing violent scenes! I love it!!

Narnialover4ever1
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me



You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein