Metamorphoses

This poem contain mythical allusions and are from Ovid's Metamorphasis. Hense the title. Its a great classic work that has been overlooked in favor of such plays and epic poems at the Odyssey, Illiad Oedipus, and Antigone.


Metamorphosis

Why did I die to bring you back
when all you did was disappear again?
Your name was Daphne then.
I reached to you,
and your skin became bark.
I guess that's why they called you Ash.

When my name was Orpheus
people gathered to hear my voice
Then my name became Apollo
and you rejected my body
in the end
I was killed by you
torn to shreds
and now my body is ash
I am only a voice
an Echo.

OOOH winter...this gives me shivers. The good kinds.

Why did I die to bring you back
when all you did was disapear again?---> (Nitpick: disappear*)
Your name was Daphne then.
I reached to you,
and your skin became bark.
I guess that's why they called you Ash.

When my name was Orpheus
people gathered to hear my voice
Then I was called Apollo---> (A little passive for my tastes.)
and you rejected my body
I was finally killed by you----> (Also passive. I'd like to see something more vivid here.)
torn to shreds
and now my body is ash----> (Is it at all possible to find another word of equal weight? Since you use 'ash' above it stints the allusion to use it so simply here.)
and I am only a voice---> (Kill the 'and'. Please?)
an Echo. ----> (Wonderous ending!!)

Hope it helps!

Thanks alot. Yes the critiques were a big help and I made most of the changes already. Tell me what you think. As for repeating the ash it was intentional I thought it was an interesting echo of the two people both being made of ash by the end. But I'm considering changing it and if anyone else points it out and agrees with you I will change it.

Hello! I am here to Bring up remaining nitpicks! remember, if the nitpick is not a single letter or a punctuation mark, it is a suggestion!

Why did I die to bring you back,
when all you did was disappear again?
Your name was Daphne then.
I reached to you,
and your skin became bark.
I guess that's why they called you Ash.

When my name was Orpheus,
people gathered to hear my voice.
Then my name became Apollo,
and you rejected my body.
In the end,
I was killed by you.
Torn to shreds,
and now my body is ash.
I am only a voice.
An Echo.

That is what I think would help 'dress up' your piece into a tux, not jeans. I made no wording changes, but it will now help the reader know when to pause and all that good stuff. I liked this piece, and I think you did a really good job with it!

So, good job, good work, and good luck with future writing!



----LostMagi

Hello I'm Fortissimo(: I'm not familiar with your writing, but I hope to be so soon! I love poetry, but could never post any of my own poems. Kudos to you and your courage!!! Anyway, for my review

Why did I die to bring you back #FF0000 ">comma,
when all you did was disappear again?
Your name was Daphne then.
I reached to you,
and your skin became bark.
I guess that's why they called you Ash.

When my name was Orpheus #FF0000 ">comma,
people gathered to hear my voice #FF0000 ">period.
Then my name became Apollo #FF0000 ">comma,
and you rejected my body #FF0000 ">Period.
#FF0000 ">I in the end #FF0000 ">comma,
I was killed by you #FF0000 ">comma,
torn to shreds #FF0000 ">comma,
and now my body is ash #FF0000 ">period
I am only a voice #FF0000 ">semi colon; or comma,
an Echo.

This works really well. You used punctuation and the end of your lines in the first stanza, but not at the ends of the second. Keep it even and flowing, and the stanzas will work together better. You did a great job of only capitalizing at the beginning of the lines if it was a new sentence or the word I.

Great poem, hope to see more out of you! ** Crosses fingers(:

Love always, Ff

Lovely- the mythological touch adds a lot- and I think it was an excellent poem, with a lot of meaning and depth.
I enjoyed reading it, greatly.
few problems:
1. first stanza ending: 'I guess that's why...' is just not very poetic- it kinds of ruin the feeling.
2. If you don't use punctuation, don't use it at all- cause honestly, when stanza A is perfectly punctuated- and stanza B isn't punctuated at all- it's both confusing, and distancing the two stanzas- making them look unrelated.

I suggest fixing that.

Over all, I loved your poem, I thought it was deep, and touching, and smart.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.