Clique Breaker:Chapter Nine

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Today was Christmas Eve and the present shook in my hands due to my anxiousness.

From:Marcus
To:Jay


I didn't deserve this present. After the prank, all Skye wanted to do was to shut me out of her life. It was my fault.

While I ran towards her, the mud and the feathers were already released , staining her beautiful dress and for the finale, little firecrackers were thrown on the stage sending her into an anxiety attack causing her to faint. I ran up on stage, trying to revive her but she was knocked out. The paramedics came and she was driven to the hospital with her brother, with the whole school to see. Mrs.Wexler tried to handle things from there but it was a fail, for the whole room filled with conversation and most of the conversations were full of rumors. I saw Tyrone and Daniel, backstage, laughing. They were also with Kathleen and her groupies except for Melanie.

"Oh hi, Jay," Kathleen greeted, in a very casual tone; her sinister smile instigating me to kill her

"What kind of prank was that?" I asked, through gritted teeth.

She laughed even more and came closer to me. "I warned you, Jay. Haven't your parents told you not to play with fire?"

"Looks like you should have been put out a long time ago. Your flames are as big as your ego,'"

She frowned and then snapped her fingers. Tyrone came right behind her. "Tyrone, why don't you show the little hater outside?"

Tyrone grabbed me and lifted me over his shoulder. I struggled and screamed for help but through all the chaos and lack of anyone willing to help me, I was defenseless. He was carrying me out the back exit and then we were outside, in the dark. I had to escape. He pinned me against the wall, breathing heavily on me.

"Jay...well you know...how much I like-"

I slapped him right across the face and while he recovered from the shock, I ran away. I frantically looked for an entrance but a fence blocked my path to the front. I started climbing over it till a hand pulled me to the ground.

"Tyrone let go of me!" I yelled

"You're a little bitch. You think you're too good for me...yeah that's it." he growled, pinning me down on the floor " You only like....I know what you like. Yeah I know perfectly well,"

He started unbuttoning his pants and pulling up my dress. "Tyrone, what will this do? It's not going to prove anything,"

"Shut up!" he yelled "You only like those light-skinned dudes. They can't give you what I can give you,"

I tried to push him off but he was too strong "What? An STD, a baby, rape?"

He slapped me and pushed down on me. "No...I can give you-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Jerome grabbed him off of me and threw him at a nearby dumpster. He grabbed Tyrone by the neck and held him against the dumpster wall.

Tyrone was stunned. "Jerome...I-I-I-"

"Tyrone..."he shook his head and slammed Tyrone on the wall once more" Get out of here,"

I managed to get up and then I started sobbing. Jerome wrapped his jacket around my shoulders and carried me. I didn't argue since he had saved my life. He called for a taxi and we waited, sitting on a bench.

"You're getting yourself into things way over your head," he whispered

I was shocked. Was it my mere existence that made everyone want to hate me? "How?"

"You're associating with the wrong crowd. You think that whatever Kathleen told you about Skye was a lie?"

I thought about it. Her tone made it sound unbelievable "Wasn't it?"

He chuckled and shook his head "Everyone makes mistakes, right?"

I nodded at this. He faced me and looked me closely in the eyes. "Whatever Kathleen told you must have been exaggerated but I will tell you one thing. Skye is having my child"

My taxi finally came and I got up to open the door. I looked back at him "The alley-"

"I wanted to get her to an abortionist but she refused. I'm obviously too young for a baby"

"But that day at lunch..."

"Her way of telling me that keeping the baby will help us"

"But her date with Daniel"

"She's having my baby, Jay. Doesn't mean that we're together"

"But-but-but-"

"Excuse me, Miss. Unless you want to give my kids another time to see their dad, I recommend finishing your little conversation" the taxi driver complained

"Oh, I'm sorry." I apologized, then to Jerome " We'll talk later, right?"

He shrugged and started walking back to the school, with only his silhouette visible through school lights.

"To the Hiker Hospital" I told the taxi driver

This night was full of surprises. When did Skye ever get with Jerome? How long have this been going on? I had so many questions. For some reason, I was just surprised at Skye. Obviously a lot of people knew about her pregnancy so she actually created a bad reputation for herself but was it right to think of it that way? Was it her fault she got pregnant? Did Marcus know she got pregnant?

I kept debating with myself while I got to the hospital. I asked the nurse for Skye's room.

"Yes, her brother was asking for you,"

I quickly went to Skye's room and knocked on the door. Marcus opened it. "Jay,"

He held me in a tight hug and rested his head on my shoulder. "Did you get here safely?"

I wiggled out of the hug and looked at him directly in the eyes "I will tell you later. Right now, I need to talk to your sister. In private."

He let me get inside and shut the door. I sat on a chair near Skye's bed and held her hand. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Jay," she whispered, her eyes looking exhausted "You came,"

She was surprised to see me. Yet her reaction made me feel like she didn't want me to be there. I stood up and walked around the room.

"What happened to your dress?"

I looked at the back of my dress and saw mud stains, trailing down my back. I shook it off and I didn't know what came over me, but tears started to come out and I stared at her in both anger and frustration.

"You're...pregnant?" I spit out the last word as if it was a foreign word.

She stared back and then looked at her lap. "I wanted to explain-"

"No, you didn't Skye. And that anxiety attack was also combined with a contraction" I figured this out on the ride to the hospital

"Jay, I wouldn't have one if you just left me alone"

"What?! Why is it so hard to be friends with someone?"

"It's hard because we're not meant to be friends-"

"Not meant to be friends?! Are you blaming me for the prank?"

She kept quiet and then looked out the window "Bye, Jay"

"Skye-"

"Just get out! I don't want to be friends anymore. Bye!"

The tears came back again as I ran out of the hospital.

"Jay!Jay!" I could hear Marcus calling after me, but I ran even faster

I called for a taxi and before I could make it in, Marcus caught me by the wrist. "Jay, don't leave. Tell me. What happened?"

"Nothing Marcus," I lied, trying to free myself from his grasp

"Come on lady. It's late," the taxi driver complained. I wonder if my previous driver was his cousin

"Jay, please," Marcus pleaded

I kept shaking my head, struggling in his grasp. Then he surprised me by kissing me. He held me close to his body, combing his fingers through my hair. When we stopped, we just stared at each other.

"Jay, I-"

"Marcus, we can't do this," I whispered.

"Wait...what...why?"

"We just can't," and then I sat in my seat " Your sister is pregnant. Worry about her"

I watched him standing still, looking at me through the window. If only I had said it. I don't want to take the same risj with the same consequence

God, why didn't I say that, but would it make things better?

"Jay, are you okay?" my mom asked, outside my door

I threw the present under my bed and opened the door. "Yeah, I'm fine,"

She cocked an eyebrow and handed the phone to me. "Here,"

"Who's this?" I asked, taking the phone

"Your brother,"
True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
-Nicki Minaj




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No reviews you say, YWS? Well then I guess I'll have to change this!!
AngelKnight900 wrote:Today was Christmas Eve and the present shook in my hands due to my anxiousness. [/quoteI know I spend an awful long time ranting on and on about the beginnings of chapters but there is a reason. I'm not just half-mad. I promise.
Just because you've hooked the reader with your first chapter it doesn't mean that you're out of the woods just yet! You still need to motivate them to read on. It's difficult, yes. But that doesn't mean that it can't be done.
Think to yourself, is this the best way you could start the chapter? Instead of stating that it was Christmas Eve could you not describe the lights, tree and the anticipation of everyone, eager for the big day? This technique of show not tell can also be applied to the second part of your sentence (you can easily expand here).
Reading through your chapter, there isn't actually a whole lot I can comment on, but I can see that there are plenty of opportunities for you to add in different writing techniques. A few of these being:
Similies
Personification
Metaphors
Show, not tell.
Make sure all of your characters have their own mannerisms and try to imagine their voices. Try to make them alll a unique person.
AngelKnight900 wrote:She cocked an eyebrow and handed the phone to me. "Here."

"Who's this?" I asked, taking the phone.

"Your brother."


You've missed out certain amounts of punctuation throughout the piece, often resulting in new sentences beginning when you haven't shown the reader that the previous one has ended. Remember to put in those full stops before you begin a new sentence, or it can become really confusing. If you get confused with speech formation, feel free to swing by my wall with any questions you may have (this goes for anything I've mentioned in this review too) and I'll do my best in trying to explain it to you.

Happy review day and keep writing!
Icy :)



A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown