What I can't see

Entry for fear contest

Spoiler

I have never tried the horror literature before, so be nice, please...

John walked through the moon-lighted hall- moon light being the only source of light- it was dark, very dark.
He looked around with stress, There is nothing in the dark, you know- it's impossible. He kept telling that to himself- and yet he couldn't stop imagining things hulking in the shadows.
There's no fear worse than irrational fear. He considered bitterly Whereas in real fear, you have a problem to solve, or not be solved and deal with the outcomes- irrational fear doesn't go away, it has no source.
He hated walking alone in the dark like that- he kept feeling an urge to turn- to look behind him and see there's nothing there. Don't turn- Don't give up! He yelled at himself- The worst part about this fear, is that it makes you look like such a coward, afraid of the dark! Nevertheless- he turned around- only to find nothing there- He sighed in forced relief, and headed back to his room. The shadows immediately seemed to follow- the crazy urge to turn returned.
He rushed through the hallway- trying to get back behind his closed door as soon as possible- back to his lighten room.
He entered the room shutting the door behind, then froze in terror- The wall was scratched, impossible, yet five claw-like lines were carved into the cement. He almost cried, looking all around him to find the source of the marks, Was that a flash through the window? barely standing, he pulled himself toward the window he looked outside- A dark street, barely lighten by a flickering orange halo from a lone street-light; Part of him expected to see a dark silhouette against the light- watching him- but everything was sane, normal- a feeling of chill in his spine, the familiar need to turn- flooded him.
He turned his gaze to the room, expecting some monster to leap at him, yet nothing was there. He looked at the wall- it was still scratched.
John's lungs almost exploded from his hysterical breathes, his eyes jumped wildly from one corner to another, scared to leave an unseen part- as long as he could see- it had to be real, and yet- the scratches on his wall stood grim- a signs that should have never existed to a life that is of imagination.
John felt his sanity leaving him, he watched his surroundings like a trapped animal, unable to talk or think- He gave away a whimper.
His eyes finally were nailed to the door, it was closed, he knew it was closed, yet he kept expecting it to open, to reveal his heinous death- and yet- it remained closed.
He looked at his computer, maybe he'll manage to forget all about his fears by playing something, or perhaps surfing the internet- He realized his mistake the moment his chair's back was against the room- what he couldn't see...

I woke up, almost crying out loud- the linens were warm and moist- my forehead beaded with sweat. I looked around nervously- there was nothing there.
I got out of my bed, almost relaxed, and activated the light- I almost collapsed when I saw the scratches on the wall, a look at the linens told me that the moist and warm sensations didn't came from sweat- sweat wasn't red.
What I can see, is real- so what I can't see isn't there I kept thinking those words like a prayer, then I felt the ice cold hand grabbing me from behind.
I tried to turn, but I couldn't- the grasp was too tight.
I tried to fight, it was pointless- then- they took my eyes...

This spam review has been removed by Big Brother.

Hey, SubjectBlue.

So I see this is for the fear contest. o.O Spooky. I've tried writing fear before myself, but it always seems to be a tad bit challenging attempting to bottle those intricate feelings of fear. There's so much different emotions that well up inside you when you think of actual fear. I think you did an okay job of attempting to capture those feelings here overall. Though I may have liked to have read a bit more description of how the character felt physically. When one places that kind of precise emotion into horror, it usually work very well to the writer's advantage.

One thing I think you executed very well here was the set-up of this story. You had this character's mind moving to all of these different thoughts of possibly being jumped out at in any moment by anything. He kept feeling the urge to look back but didn't because he was sure nothing would be there. He was trying to block out the fear internally in hopes to proving its non-existence. I liked that, because I've never seen anyone take that exact approach. It's realistically relate-able. I try and fight the creepiness of the dark in my own house sometimes too, even though I know it's not rational to. xD

I also wanted to mention how great it was that you made this like a reverse Freddy Kreugar. Like, instead of the character being attacked in his dream, you made his fears bottled in his dream become a reality. It was completely backwards and somewhat unexpected. The only thing I have to say that didn't really fit well with this was the way you changed the tense of the words from the time the character was asleep to the time he woke up. At first it was in a sort of third person view I suppose, seeing as it was the main character viewing and telling the scene. then you switched it to first person. If I could make a suggestion, it would be to keep the tense the same as in the first scene of the story. It'd read off a whole lot smoother that way.

One thing I didn't so much get was why when the character John woke up, this monster, or whatever it was, took his eyes. It seemed a bit random. Did he know what kind of monster it was? Was there some kind of warning that this was what would happen? I got a little lost there. But maybe that's just me.

Also, on more thing before I wrap this up. I noticed may grammatical and punctuational errors and such. They stood out so clearly that I hardly bothered to point that out. Or maybe that's more so because I'm extremely lazy and tired and my hands keep quivering over the keyboard as I type. o.O Who knows, let's go with the first excuse. I think you should probably fine-tooth comb this before submitting. Also, take the advice I mentioned in my review about the tense. You'll be solid then.

Anyway, I think that wraps up my review for now. Hope anything I might have mentioned may be of help to you.

-Smylin

Hello there, Little Princess here for a review! I am a huge scary movie fan so I'm already excited to read this. Here I go!

John walked through the moon-lighted hall- #FF0000 ">Should be moon-litmoon light being the only source of light- it was dark, very dark. #FF0080 ">Perhaps say... Because moonlight was the only source of light it was dark, very dark. Otherwise the sentence sounds a bit odd.

He looked around with stress, There is nothing in the dark, you know- it's impossible. He kept telling that to himself-#FF40BF "> don't need that dash and yet he couldn't stop imagining things hulking in the shadows.

There's no fear worse than irrational fear. He considered bitterly Whereas in real fear, you have a problem to solve, or not be solved and deal with the outcomes I'm slightly confused with your description of real fear although I like the differentiation- irrational fear doesn't go away, it has no source.

He hated walking alone in the dark like that- he kept feeling an urge to turn- #FF4080 ">your use of dashes doesn't really make sense to look behind him and see there's nothing there. Don't turn- Don't give up! He yelled at himself- The worst part about this fear, is that it makes you look like such a coward, afraid of the dark! Nevertheless- he turned around- only to find nothing there- He sighed in forced relief, and headed back to his room. The shadows immediately seemed to follow- the crazy urge to turn returned Maybe say "came back" simply because turn sounds like its repetitive in the two words, you know?.

He rushed through the hallway- trying to get back behind his closed door as soon as possible- back to his lighten room.

He entered the room shutting the door behind, then froze in terror- The wall was scratched, impossible, yet five claw-like lines were carved into the cement. He almost cried, looking all around him to find the source of the marks, Was that a flash through the window? barely standing, he pulled himself toward the window he looked outside- A dark street, barely lighten by a flickering orange halo from a lone street-light; Part of him expected to see a dark silhouette against the light- watching him- but everything was sane, normal- a feeling of chill in his spine, the familiar need to turn- flooded him. Nice! I can really picture this whole part, suddenly everything is happening at once and your description is great! I still don't understand your use of dashes though, I think you should try commas.

He turned his gaze to the room, expecting some monster to leap at him, yet nothing was there. He looked at the wall- it was still scratched. Did he expect it not to be scratched anymore?

John's Wait, suddenly he has a name? He should either remain nameless or his name should be introduced early on, not just sprung upon uslungs almost exploded from his hysterical breathes, his eyes jumped wildly from one corner to another, scared to leave an unseen part- as long as he could see- it had to be real, and yet- the scratches on his wall stood grim- a signs that should have never existed to a life that is of imagination.

John felt his sanity leaving him, he watched his surroundings like a trapped animal, unable to talk or think- He gave away a whimper.

His eyes finally were nailed to the door, it was closed, he knew it was closed, yet he kept expecting it to open, to reveal his heinous death- and yet- it remained closed. I think you might want to just go through and take out all of the dashes, they cause extremely odd and uneven bumps in your sentences.

He looked at his computer, maybe he'll manage to forget all about his fears by playing something, or perhaps surfing the internet- #FF0000 ">Since the entire scene is sort of vague it's hard to tell if this part is actually realistic but to me it doesn't seem to fit. He's in this terrifying room with scratches on the wall and no lights and suddenly he decides to play a computer game? Doesn't work He realized his mistake the moment his chair's back was against the room- what he couldn't see... I like the repetition of the title

I #BF0040 ">That's a bit confusing, with the change of the narrator, but it's also interesting... I see what you are doing. woke up, almost crying out loud- the linens were warm and moist- my forehead beaded with sweat. I looked around nervously- there was nothing there.

I got out of my bed, almost relaxed, and activated the light- I almost collapsed when I saw the scratches on the wall, a look at the linens told me that the moist and warm sensations didn't came from sweat- sweat wasn't red.

What I can see, is real- so what I can't see isn't there I kept thinking those words like a prayer, then I felt the ice cold hand grabbing me from behind.

I tried to turn, but I couldn't- the grasp was too tight.

I tried to fight, it was pointless- then- they took my eyes...

Okay the ending actually terrified me! I will say that its a bit cliche, the waking up and having the dream be real thing, but I think you did a nice job with it. Good luck on your contest! My advice is to take out the dashes (because they made it difficult to read) and add a little more setting so that the story is given context.