Forgotten

Hi, my name is Kelly. I just turned 13 (Today's my birthday). I'm writing a story for my best friend, Brooke, because we both love writing. I want to make it as good as it can possibly be. I wrote the very beginning. Can you please give me praise, tips, advice, or constructive criticism about it? Thanks

I'm writing it for my best friend's birthday. Please be honest about it. Feel free to give tips, praise, or constructive criticism. I'm 13. Thank you!

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping.
It was pleasant; a slight grin drew on my face. I felt the mild, comforting sunlight warming my damp body. I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp, stinging sensation. It hurt to just look up at sky. I could tell by the tall, amber grass that surrounded by body that I was in sort type of field. It stretched far above my head, enveloping me from plain sight. I propped myself up on one elbow. Above me, I could make out a captivating tangerine colored sunset. Dark clouds lingered over a forest of trees in the distance. My head pounded. It felt as if someone was hitting me over the head with a hammer over and over again. “What the hell?” I mumbled as I shot back down under the grass. The soil was damp and cold. My sore eyes and head continued to ache nonstop. I stared down at myself. My skin looked tan and filthy. I was covered in dirt. Light freckles were sprinkled across my thin forearms. On my feet were a pair of luxurious-looking black high heels. I wore a satiny turquoise-colored dress that extended into ruffles at my knees. I didn’t recognize these clothes.
“Is this my body?” I inquired. I realized that I was talking out loud, even though I was clearly alone. My voice was girly and soft, but it had a raspy southern touch to it. I reached up and patted my hair. Grabbing a lock, I pulled it in towards my face. It was a long and wavy, it reached down to my stomach. The color was a platinum blonde (I highly doubt it was natural) with hot pink tips at the end. Feeling hopeless and unsettled, I wrapped the hair around my pointer finger and twirled it, starting from the end and slowly working my way up to the root. And that’s when I felt blood.
“Blood?” I shrieked. “Why am I bleeding?” Suddenly, I became painstakingly aware of it all over my body. It had dripped down the sides of my face and was now dried on my shoulders, arms, and chest. I tasted the crude, bitter taste in my mouth. Smoothing my tongue around, I felt it between my teeth. Turning my head on both sides, I saw a pool of blood surrounding my body, drying into the soil.
In, out, in out. My breaths were short and labored. I tried to sit up, only to be engulfed in a wave of nausea and dizziness. I collapsed once again into the pool of my own blood. It was all so confusing, too many thoughts were racing through my mind. I needed to distract myself, or I feared I would throw up – or worse. Desperately, I threw my hands out in front of me. “What nice hands I have.” I admired their dainty, feminine shape. “Are these really my hands?” The manicured nails were an appealing turquoise color that perfectly matched my dress. I probably had them done in a nail-salon. Bothered by a red speck on my index finger, I peered under the nails, exposing cake in dried blood.
I didn’t hold back.
“WHO AM I?” I screamed at the top of my lungs. My voice pierced the air and echoed, startling the flock of birds nearby. I heard a dozen wings flapping as my vision faded to black. Hopefully, if I wake up, things will make sense.
I leaned over on my side and passed out.

Hey there Kelly! I love that you've used your friend as your motivation to start writing, what got me started was something very similar

For the most part hear, your grammer and spelling is really good. Just try to work on your show not tell. Allow me to explain:
What’s the difference between show and tell? Well telling is the dependence on simple description: Rose was an old woman. Showing, on the other hand, is the use of suggestive description: Rose moved slowly across the room, her stooped form propped up by a refined wooden cane gripped in a twisted, hand that was covered by lucid, liver-spotted skin.
Both showing and telling express the same information — Rose is old, but the former simply states it flat-out, and the latter doesn’t need to state it, because you can see from the description that she is elderly.
Showing is better for two main reasons. First, it creates mental pictures for the reader. When reviewers use terms like "vivid," "evocative," or "cinematic" to describe a piece of prose, they really mean the writer has succeeded at showing, rather than merely telling.
Second, showing is interactive and participatory: it forces the reader to become involved in the story, deducing facts (such as Rose's age) for himself or herself, rather than just taking information in passively.
If this makes no sense, feel free to write on my wall or pm me! I know your friend will really like this

I'm really impressed if this is one of your first attempts at serious writing. I think you have a natural ability for descriptive language, and your use and command of the English language is impressing for your age. If I was you, I would make this a career; you have talent that isn't teachable in a classroom, or anywhere for that matter. I noticed that you have a tendency to over use the comma. Make sure the comma is completely necessary and essential to the flow and rhythm of the piece. You don't alway have to wow the reader with your description. You can take your time and what I was told by a better writer than myself once, "you have to earn the right to be descriptive." I hope you continue to write and read all you can. I hope that helps!

Peace,
Ryan Mitchel Collins

I felt the mild, comforting sunlight warming my damp body. I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp, stinging sensation. It hurt to just look up at sky. I could tell by the tall, amber grass that surrounded by body that I was in sort type of field.

In this area you start off many sentences with 'I'. I'm pretty sure this is the only part where you've done this, so it's clearly not an on-going problem. I would suggest switching the sentence structure for a couple.
For example, you could turn:

I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss.

into "Absorbed in bliss, I lay there for a few more seconds."

“What the hell?” I mumbled as I shot back down under the grass.

I would start a new paragraph with this.

I stared down at myself. My skin looked tan and filthy. I was covered in dirt. Light freckles were sprinkled across my thin forearms. On my feet were a pair of luxurious-looking black high heels. I wore a satiny turquoise-colored dress that extended into ruffles at my knees. I didn’t recognize these clothes.

I feel like this section becomes a bit redundant. It feels as though the girl is listing everything she can see.

It was a long and wavy, and it reached down to my stomach.

The color was a platinum blonde (I highly doubt it was natural) with hot pink tips at the end.

I would rephrase this a bit. Here's a suggestion: "It was unnaturally platinum blonde with hot pink tips at the end."

Smoothing my tongue around, I felt tasted it between my teeth.

In, out, in, out.

I peered under the nails, exposing caked in dried blood.

All in all, I think your friend will love this. It's interesting, mysterious, and a little creepy. I hope you write more to go along with this. I would love to know why she woke up in a different body, covered in blood. Nice work, hope this helped! Cheers

I felt the mild, comforting sunlight warming my damp body. I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp, stinging sensation. It hurt to just look up at sky. I could tell by the tall, amber grass that surrounded by body that I was in sort type of field.

In this area you start off many sentences with 'I'. I'm pretty sure this is the only part where you've done this, so it's clearly not an on-going problem. I would suggest switching the sentence structure for a couple.
For example, you could turn:

I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss.

into "Absorbed in bliss, I lay there for a few more seconds."

“What the hell?” I mumbled as I shot back down under the grass.

I would start a new paragraph with this.

I stared down at myself. My skin looked tan and filthy. I was covered in dirt. Light freckles were sprinkled across my thin forearms. On my feet were a pair of luxurious-looking black high heels. I wore a satiny turquoise-colored dress that extended into ruffles at my knees. I didn’t recognize these clothes.

I feel like this section becomes a bit redundant. It feels as though the girl is listing everything she can see.

It was a long and wavy, and it reached down to my stomach.

The color was a platinum blonde (I highly doubt it was natural) with hot pink tips at the end.

I would rephrase this a bit. Here's a suggestion: "It was unnaturally platinum blonde with hot pink tips at the end."

Smoothing my tongue around, I felt tasted it between my teeth.

In, out, in, out.

I peered under the nails, exposing caked in dried blood.

All in all, I think your friend will love this. It's interesting, mysterious, and a little creepy. I hope you write more to go along with this. I would love to know why she woke up in a different body, covered in blood. Nice work, hope this helped! Cheers

I felt the mild, comforting sunlight warming my damp body. I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp, stinging sensation. It hurt to just look up at sky. I could tell by the tall, amber grass that surrounded by body that I was in sort type of field.

In this area you start off many sentences with 'I'. I'm pretty sure this is the only part where you've done this, so it's clearly not an on-going problem. I would suggest switching the sentence structure for a couple.
For example, you could turn:

I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss.

into "Absorbed in bliss, I lay there for a few more seconds."

%u201CWhat the hell?%u201D I mumbled as I shot back down under the grass.

I would start a new paragraph with this.

I stared down at myself. My skin looked tan and filthy. I was covered in dirt. Light freckles were sprinkled across my thin forearms. On my feet were a pair of luxurious-looking black high heels. I wore a satiny turquoise-colored dress that extended into ruffles at my knees. I didn%u2019t recognize these clothes.

I feel like this section becomes a bit redundant. It feels as though the girl is listing everything she can see.

It was a long and wavy, and it reached down to my stomach.

The color was a platinum blonde (I highly doubt it was natural) with hot pink tips at the end.

I would rephrase this a bit. Here's a suggestion: "It was unnaturally platinum blonde with hot pink tips at the end."

Smoothing my tongue around, I felt tasted it between my teeth.

In, out, in, out.

I peered under the nails, exposing caked in dried blood.

All in all, I think your friend will love this. It's interesting, mysterious, and a little creepy. I hope you write more to go along with this. I would love to know why she woke up in a different body, covered in blood. Nice work, hope this helped! Cheers

I felt the mild, comforting sunlight warming my damp body. I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp, stinging sensation. It hurt to just look up at sky. I could tell by the tall, amber grass that surrounded by body that I was in sort type of field.

In this area you start off many sentences with 'I'. I'm pretty sure this is the only part where you've done this, so it's clearly not an on-going problem. I would suggest switching the sentence structure for a couple.
For example, you could turn:

I lay there for a few seconds more, absorbed in bliss.

into "Absorbed in bliss, I lay there for a few more seconds."

“What the hell?” I mumbled as I shot back down under the grass.

I would start a new paragraph with this.

I stared down at myself. My skin looked tan and filthy. I was covered in dirt. Light freckles were sprinkled across my thin forearms. On my feet were a pair of luxurious-looking black high heels. I wore a satiny turquoise-colored dress that extended into ruffles at my knees. I didn’t recognize these clothes.

I feel like this section becomes a bit redundant. It feels as though the girl is listing everything she can see.

It was a long and wavy, and it reached down to my stomach.

The color was a platinum blonde (I highly doubt it was natural) with hot pink tips at the end.

I would rephrase this a bit. Here's a suggestion: "It was unnaturally platinum blonde with hot pink tips at the end."

Smoothing my tongue around, I felt tasted it between my teeth.

In, out, in, out.

I peered under the nails, exposing caked in dried blood.

All in all, I think your friend will love this. It's interesting, mysterious, and a little creepy. I hope you write more to go along with this. I would love to know why she woke up in a different body, covered in blood. Nice work, hope this helped! Cheers

Hola!
Welcome to YWS! ^.^

I woke up to the sound of birds chirping.

I didn't like this for a beginning. It's cheesy and cliche.

Hopefully, if when I wake up, things will make sense.

Apart from those, there was nothing wrong with this at all. It's interesting, I want to know what happened to this chick. Your writing was beautiful. Well done!!