Whispering Hope

Spoiler

My entry for the 150 words contest. My topic was challenging gender roles. Please, tear it up and put it back together. I want to make this the best it could be! (Please read the next spoiler too!)

Spoiler

When I found out that my topic was challenging gender roles, my mind instantly thought about a book titled, "Sold," which was a National Book Award finalist. If you've read it, wonderful! If you haven't, you really should. The book is about a teenage girl who lives in the mountains of Nepal, and gets sold, by her stepfather, into prostitution. It's really a phenomenal read, and I highly recommend it. But anyway, I just wanted to take the time to notify you that this kind of sexist thing is still happening in the world today. (If you didn't already know... ). It's really not much, but I just wanted to dedicate a small piece for it since I liked it so much. Although, it doesn't talk about the young girl because, well, I really didn't want to write about prostitution. XD But I think this sounds more like her mother, who was also trapped in misery. Hope you like it!

Sun breathes through my clothes as I head up the mountain. There will be no pay for today...again.

Husband must be growing impatient.

These thoughts horrify me. Silent tears whisper hope on my unkempt face. But the evidence of suffering will soon be gone.

For wind’s dust will cake my fear.

An angered man is better than no man, I convince myself.

A ritual I repeat daily.

I walk hesitantly into my straw-roofed home.

“Well, what money do you have?” he snorts, looking disgusted. My lips trail the dirt and lands on his foot.

“Please, forgive me,” I don’t dare look him in the eye, “Please, I will make it up with dinner."

“Dinner?!” He slaps my already beaten face, “What about dinner the next day! Stupid woman!”

He storms out of the room.

I sigh. One day, they will realize how beautiful of a creature we women are.

I think that one of the biggest problem younger writers have is beginning and ending a writing piece. I felt that your beginning was pretty solid, but I have a suggestion about the ending. I think the point of the ending of a short story is to make the reader think. With that being said, I would take out

How beautiful of a creature we women are.

because the line

I sigh. One day, they will realize.

is a much stronger line to end the short story on because it makes the reader try to think about what they are suppose to realize.

There will be no pay for today.....again.

With this quote you used five consecutive periods and an ellipse is only three. There should also be a space between the ending of an ellipse and the beginning of a new word or sentence.

#FF8000 ">There will be no pay for today... again.

Silent tears whisper hope on my unkempt face.

What do you mean exactly by the silent tears whispering hope? I know you can not explain in your story and, as my luck would have it, this phrase probably makes obvious sense. I apologize, I do not understand.

(A ritual I repeat daily).

The parenthesis are honestly not needed as used here. If you are using them to emphasize a thought it is not necessary because the piece is in first person and made up of the main characters thoughts anyway.

My lips trail the dirt and lands land on his foot.

Is she, by any chance, kissing his feet?

“Please, ...forgive me,” I don’t dare look him in the eye, “Please, I will make it up with dinner.

In the first bold section you either need to delete the comma or the ellipse. I suggest deleting the ellipse for no other reason other than you've an ellipse already. Either will work perfectly.

In the seconds bold section you just need to simply replace the comma with a period. This is because you started a new sentence after reopening the quotations. To put a comma there would make the dialogue be "Please, forgive me, Please, I will make it up with dinner" which is obviously incorrect.

Lastly for this quote, you need an closing quotation.

#FF8000 ">"Please, forgive me," I don't dare look him in the eye. "Please, I will make it up with dinner."

“Dinner?!” he slaps my already exhausted face, “What about dinner the next day! Stupid woman!”

Basically the same problems as with the upper quotation. The word in bold needs a capital letter. The second bold piece needs to be a question mark.

Also, a last add on, I am not sure how a face can feel exhausted. The way you worded that part of your sentence made it seem as if the face itself was tired. I hope you understand what I mean.

#FF8000 ">"Dinner?!" He slaps my already exhausted face. "What about dinner the next day? Stupid woman!"

One day, they will realize.

How beautiful of a creature we women are.

I suggest combing these two sentences somehow or they will remain incomplete. Great ending by the way.



I really liked this, as I've stated before. It got the point across, the emotion, in a very simple but intriguing way. And when I say simple I mean curt - unlike my review.

Keep writing!

This was really good for such a short piece but I suggest you remove the last line. That way you can insert a couple of words into what you already have and play about with it because you'll have more words to use up. I think if this is polished, it could be a great piece of short writing.
Good luck in the contest!