"Are You Angry With Me?"

It’s the silence that you pull around you while you check your emails,
the silence that makes a goldfish bowl around you while you sit and knit.
My chatter is a paper aeroplane that hits the glass and falls away, nose bent, wings flopping uselessly.
After a while, the silence reaches for me too;
it’s a fog creeping across the floor and reaching for my ankles, scaring me.

“Are you angry with me?”

Instantly you look up and smile—a snowdrop in the bleak black earth of winter.
No, you say, it’s not you. It’s not you.
And I’m reassured, selfishly reassured,
yet feeling a terrible sadness for that tiny little snowdrop, struggling to flower in the bleak black earth of winter.

Hello!!
Rain here!!

So my main criteque on this is that it is not structured like a poem. Just because it is a naritive poem doesn't mean that it needs no strucure, Poetry is written in verse. LInes and stanzas. This, is not written like a poem.

Below is how I would structure this. You don't have to change it to this, but it is a good thought.

Red- Errors in grammar (Needs to be changed to be correct.)
Blue- Thinks I would change based on my opinion and knowledge of poetry.

It’s the silence that you pull around you << I would remove this word, to help this line flow better.
while you check your emails,
the silence that makes a goldfish bowl around you
while you sit and knit.
My chatter is a paper aeroplane
that hits the glass and falls away,
nose bent, wings flopping uselessly.

After a while,
the silence reaches for me too;
it’s a fog creeping across the floor
and reaching for my ankles, scaring me << You could remove this as well.

“Are you angry with me?”

Instantly you look up and smile—
a snowdrop in the bleak black earth of winter.
"No", you say, "it’s not you. It’s not you.[color=#FF0000]" << Quotations are needed around what the person is saying, and I think that the second "It's not you" is unneeded. I would remove it, but it is your poem, it is only a suggestion.[/color]
And I’m reassured, selfishly reassured,
yet feeling a terrible sadness
for that tiny little snowdrop,
struggling to flower
in the bleak black earth of winter.

That is how I think it could be good to structure it, you can change it, or completely ignore it, its poem.

Hope that helped,

~Rain~

TL G-Wooster wrote:It’s the silence that you pull around you while you check your emails,
the silence that makes a goldfish bowl around you while you sit and knit.

this doesn't make sense. you should change it to, "the silence around a goldfish bowl while you sit and knit."

My chatter is a paper aeroplane that hits the glass and falls away,

I love this line the best. it reminded me of prose, but cross this part out-- >

nose bent, wings flopping uselessly.
After a while, the silence reaches for me too;
it’s a fog creeping across the floor and reaching for my ankles, scaring me.

'scaring me' sounds weak. change it

“Are you angry with me?”

Instantly you look up and smile—a snowdrop in the bleak black earth of winter.
No, you say, it’s not you. It’s not you.
And I’m reassured, selfishly reassured,
yet feeling a terrible sadness for that tiny little snowdrop, struggling to flower in the bleak black earth of winter.

I wasn't really feeling this too much. But the message came across fine. It gave me the feeling of having that invisible doubt in a situation in a relationship. The first line was weak though. The second and third were my favorite images.

Hello!

So, I'm terrible at reviewing poetry, so please excuse me if this is rusty or unhelpful in anyway.

As a whole, I really liked it. It was short yet to the point, and you use imagery well to craft a clear and concise message that a lot of people, including myself, can relate to.

One thing I would like it to see is more expansion at the beginning. Where it starts is kind of jarring and for the first few lines, I have no idea what it is going on. Here you say, 'it's the silence'. What's the silence? What are you referring to? It's true that we find this out later on, but if you make note of it at the beginning it will make the first stanza easy to follow.

Another thing is this line:

yet feeling a terrible sadness for that tiny little snowdrop, struggling to flower in the bleak black earth of winter

While I like the imagery that you use, it's too long and feels like it be cut down a bit. Overall, this is good. Send me a PM if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

Ok well first thing is first I suck at reviews and I will be the first person to admit this.
This is really good. There are a few things that could be cut out to help the flow
It’s the silence that you pull around you while you check your emails,
Cut out the word you and it flows so much better.
My chatter is a paper aeroplane that hits the glass and falls away, nose bent, wings flopping uselessly.
Cut out nose bent, wings flopping uselessly. and it is perfect.
One last thing
yet feeling a terrible sadness for that tiny little snowdrop, struggling to flower in the bleak black earth of winter.
Is to long so cut it down. Anyway I'm sorry if this sucked I tried.

I don't understand what you were trying to say. Try fixing the structure to look like a poem, and being clearer. I really tried, I just don't get it. Sorry, I'm sure it'll work more next time!

That was a surprisingly short poem.

the silence that makes a goldfish bowl around you

My chatter is a paper aeroplane
that hits the glass and falls away

it’s a fog creeping across the floor
reaching for my ankles, scaring me

These lines had very vivid descriptions of the non-existent things that we can strongly feel. I love the fish bowl thing. Great work:)

I agree with what most other reviewers has already said! The main problem with this piece is the structure. You've got no proper stanzas, and your lines differ too much in size and makes the flow pay for that. The content of this though, is very good. I haven't read anything like it, I don't know what so special but it just feels different, a good different I also must comment on your great descriptive lines and amazing imagery! Good job there ;D

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness