Goodbye

Spoiler

Well, I wrote this for my grandfather's funeral, and I'm pretty proud of it. Brought a tear to the eye of my great-aunt! *Is extremely chuffed* Go on, then. Rip it to shreds!

You dream,
Dust motes partaking,
In exquisite dance,
Above you.

You slip,
At peace, in silence,
From this unhappy,
Dreary world.

You fly,
Quick as a daydream,
Full of grace and glory,
Into light.

You end,
So weary of life,
Already half-gone,
Now you leave.

You begin,
Spectacular as,
In your long-gone prime.
Death is a beginning.

[color=#4040FF]wow, you've captured; the i dont quite know what to call it, but its like the picture of goodbye, the good side of death, this is amazing, its amazing, i hope to see more from you, and if you need anything else reviewed let me know, i'd love to read more of your work. [/color]

I will start from where you ended your poem" Death is a beginning".
Here I clearly see the notion of immortality. I sense a kind of strong belief embedded firmly inside the narrator's mind and spirit. This tight trust in life after death within the poet's feelings and emotions grabbed my attention.
To every beginning there should be an end but when it comes to existence and the mystery of life and death we find ourselves caught between two huge questions. will we, humans, experience another kind of life or will we dissipate as soon as we die, and only stories about us remain to other generations.
But the poet here made his view clear and obviously he blindly believe in a new dawn, a fresh start after departure from this earthly life to the hereafter!!

You dream, I don't quite understand how this line fits with the rest of the stanza. Did his dream have something to do with the dust?
Dust motes partaking,
In exquisite dance,
Above you.

You slip,
At peace, in silence,
From this unhappy,
Dreary world. This stanza is great, I love it. The way you show that death isn't a bad thing, that the world is unhappy anyway. You make death like a friend rather than a horrible monster.

You fly,
Quick as a daydream,
Full of grace and glory,
Into light. Again, good job. I have nothing to change here.

You end,
So weary of life,
Already half-gone,
Now you leave. It seems redundant to say you end, and then you leave. I would change you end. I'm sure you could come up with a better word to fit there.

You begin,
Spectacular as, I think you can take out the comma here.
In your long-gone prime.
Death is a beginning.Great way to end the poem! All in all, beautifully done. I loooved it!

Skorpionne wrote:You dream,Ok so already I'm confused. What is this 'dream'?
Dust motes partaking,
In exquisite dance,
Above you.

You slip,
At peace, in silence,
From this unhappy,
Dreary world.I like this part as it is showing that death isn't necessarily bad Also it interested me how you made it seem as a good thing that people should want. I like it

You fly,
Quick as a daydream,I like this simile
Full of grace and glory,I like this metaphor
Into light.

You end,
So weary of life,
Already half-gone,This whole stanza is beautiful. Also I really liked the description you used. It fits it perfectly
Now you leave.

You begin,
Spectacular as,
In your long-gone prime.
Death is a beginning.

I really like how you said death is a beginning! It was very interesting and makes you think

Overall, this is a very good poem! I really liked the way you began each stanza! It definitely builds... I wouldn't call it suspense, but it builds something! Oh and it also makes it very dramatic! I like it Other than what I said at the beginning, this is an amazing poem and I hope your grandfather is at peace up there Keep writing! BRAVO

This absolutely gorgous. I like how you haven't set a really morbid tone yet still have a good level of respect. The imagery is beautiful as well! Your grandad would be very proud of you x

Heii! Demoness here, I'll give you my opinion on this little piece

Aaaow, This was a beautiful way of kiss a loved on goodbye! You really captured it!

I loved this stanza the best, it was really amazing; Wonderful imaginary, "Quick as a daydream" Lovely!

"You fly,
Quick as a daydream,
Full of grace and glory,
Into light."

Hm.. I should say something helpful but.. Neeh, this can't be much better!

Good Luck & Keep Writing!

//Demoness

First off, I commend you for writing and reading personal work at the funeral of someone you knew. I have only ever publicly read something someone else had written (also at a funeral) and that was hard enough.

And brace yourself, I wanted to play with colors.
You slip,You fly, you end, you begin icarus, rebirth/second chances
At peace, in silence, Quick as a daydream, So weary of life, Spectacular as, best and worst of times, intrepid rembrances, goodbyes
From this unhappy, Full of grace and glory, Already half-gone, In your long-gone prime. reconciliation, dues, nothing lasts
Dreary world. Into light. Now you leave. Death is a beginning. homecoming, revival, peter pan



I think you wrote a complete work, you wrote it for a purpose, it captures a person,...and lets them go. Good job, hope you have future happier inspirations.


-M.