Lucky (for canislupis' contest)

Author's Note:

Spoiler

It didn't take me long to figure which disability I would write about. Asperger's Syndrome can be classified as high-functioning autism, a pervasive developmental disorder. There are no physical attributes to identify an 'Aspie' with, so people often misunderstand and bully them.The hallmark of AS is that they are impaired in their social skills. Their brains are not wired to interpret and pick up social cues like we do, particularly in non-verbal communication, which makes up about 70% of human interaction, the rest being verbal communication. There are many more 'symptoms' of Asperger's, but in essence, they are different because they perceive things differently, and often they get picked on for it. Hopefully this will raise some awareness, even if it's just one person.
For those who want to know more, you can start here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

I feel so lonely.

I wonder if a person with a mild developmental disorder is truly better off than one with a severe one.

Take me for example. When I was eleven, I was diagnosed with mild Asperger’s Syndrome. Mild, meaning I don’t breakdown when my routine of eating taffy at three in the afternoon is disrupted. Mild, meaning I can still empathise with others to a certain degree.

Mild, meaning that I’m close enough to being neurotypical, that people don’t believe that I’m really handicapped at all. Just bizarre and a freak.

I am no savant. I do well enough in school to get into a decent college, but I am not outstanding. Teachers don’t take much notice of me, except when they tell me to look at them.

Why is eye contact necessary in human interaction? The Asians find it rude to stare and the last time I tried looking at my peers in the eyes, I was beaten up. They say I provoked aggression by challenging them.

No, I don’t see the point in eye contact. It causes me discomfort, and what is there to see in the first place?

My counsellor tells me that it is part of non-verbal communication. Something she says I lack instinctive cues in. Does it matter if I look at the person who is speaking to me, if I am listening?

During one of our sessions, she tells me that her beloved dog died and looks at me expectantly for signs of sympathy. I understand that the loss of a loved one is a cause for upset, but it is not my dog, and being sad will not bring her dog back. So I keep quiet and watch her wipe away a tear.

My parents and counsellor encourage me to make friends. I tried befriending a girl by pointing out a petal fragment on her chest, hoping to start a conversation on my favourite topic. She accused of being a pervert. Logic tells me that if I am to point out the petal, I have to look at her chest.

I am fascinated by flowers, nature’s beauty. They are easier to befriend because I do not have to worry about their emotions. I wanted to tell her about the orchid it came from, the oncidium henekenii, but she walks away from me, looking disgusted. Do you know that this orchid species resembles a female bee to attract amourous male bees for pollination?

A misunderstood intention by the crafty orchid.

At least, it wants to be misunderstood.
***

I feel so happy.

A group of classmates approached me and asked to be friends. I’ve only ever had two friends before that. A pair of twins who lived two blocks down the street when I was eight. They moved house a year later and stopped replying to my letters after two hundred and seventy-four days.

It feels nice to have friends.

I help them with biology, because I am good at the subject. I let them copy the questions they do not know, which is usually everything, and they call me a lifesaver. That makes me proud.

They take my lunch, which I readily give. My parents say that it is polite to share. I push the swings for them and we laugh at my overbite. I am invited to their parties and serve refreshments to the other guests.

I am pleasantly surprised that some of the guests know my name. It makes me feel popular. They prefer to call me ‘AS’ though, for my condition. They ask why I do not throw tantrums as ‘AS-es’ are known to do. I explain to them that my condition is mild.

I’ve never lied for as long as I can remember, it is wrong to do so, but I do not think they believe me.

Sometimes I drive them home after the party, and they throw up on my car’s carpet. I tell them it is okay. Unwell people throw up all the time. I take half an hour to scrub the carpet clean each time.

I see them at the mall occasionally and wave. They usually don’t seem to see me, or we have a meal together. My treat, because that’s what friends do: be generous and kind. I feel rewarded by the smiles on their faces.

I don’t think they care much about flowers though. I often mention it to them, but all they seem to talk about are movies they’ve watched and video games they’ve played. Maybe they already know what I’ve told them.

I am so lucky to have such good friends.

Hi, Meep(: When I read this I was very interested, having researched AS before. I think you did a great job of describing what it might be like for some one in this situation. It was simply written, giving us a look into how your character thinks. Your lack of emotion made me feel for the character when he had none. You have definitely raised my awareness of this and made it easy for people, even those who have never heard of Asperger's Syndrome, to understand the difficulties it causes. I didn't see any grammatical problems. Good luck with the contest! I hope this helps.

~peanut~

You have a very good grasp on the character. I like that.

What I don't like so much is that it's not really a story with a discernible struggle. Really, it's just two monologues side-by-side. One day, the MC is lonely and describing to us everything he feels on Day 1. Then the next day, he's describing us everything he feels on Day 2. And not only that, but he didn't even do anything to solve his problem, rather it "solved" itself when these people came along.

Which kind of pains me. You've described his habits so well, but you don't do anything with them. I would prefer ten times more if you gave a narration of the events you've detailed below than having you summarize them as if he were talking to a psychiatrist. So that's my biggest gripe; how you kind of squandered your character.

Now I'll talk about what you actually have written:

During one of our sessions, she tells me that her beloved dog died and looks at me expectantly for signs of sympathy. I understand that the loss of a loved one is a cause for upset, but it is not my dog, and being sad will not bring her dog back. So I keep quiet and watch her wipe away a tear.

Ha, great.

My parents and counsellor encourage me to make friends. I tried befriending a girl by pointing out a petal fragment on her chest, hoping to start a conversation on my favourite topic. She accused of being a pervert. Logic tells me that if I am to point out the petal, I have to look at her chest.

The "pervert" thing seems a bit forced. Unless it were, like, a really tiny fragment and he had to get up close.

They take my lunch, which I readily give...I push the swings for them and we laugh at my overbite. I am invited to their parties and serve refreshments to the other guests...Sometimes I drive them home after the party, and they throw up on my car’s carpet.

So, I realize that older people can ride on swings, too, but the whole swings line throws off your perception of how old these people are. It's just such a hallmark thing for young childhood that as soon as I read that "taking lunch" and "pushing swings" line, my instinct was to think they were in elementary school, even though the MC is older than eleven. But then he's driving a car and drinking and it gets all muddled.

I am pleasantly surprised that some of the guests know my name...
I’ve never lied for as long as I can remember, it is wrong to do so, but I do not think they believe me.
Sometimes I drive them home after the party

I'm confused as to why the "I've never lied" line is in the middle of there.

I like how you end both sections mentioning how they're not interested in hearing about flowers.

................

And that's about it! Aside from the "what could have been" and some continuity issues, this is written rather well. For the most part, it rings true. Especially to me, because sometimes I get suspicious that I have Asperger's Syndrome. My fiancee tries to convince me I don't, but I took this Autism Spectrum test (http://glennrowe.net/BaronCohen/AutismS ... tient.aspx) and totally got a 25-32 on it (it was difficult to tell whether I definitely agreed or slightly agreed sometimes). And then I always remember this time at a company Christmas party where I tried to explain a Mobius Strip to the woman from HR and she laughed and said, "Is he always this excited about that kinda stuff?" Yes.

Anyway, if you're interested in this type of person, have you heard of a movie "Adam" from 2009? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185836/ It's pretty good.

Enough chit-chat, though, this is a strong piece, if this is the kind of piece you ultimately wanted. Personally, I would have loved a narration, but that's your choice.

Hi! I come from ze contest, and have come to deliver your review.

Mild, meaning I don’t breakdown when my routine of eating taffy at three in the afternoon is disrupted.

That should be "break down," since if you have it as one word then it's a noun and I think you want it to be a verb.

Does it matter if I look at the person who is speaking to me, if I am listening?

There's nothing technically wrong with this... it's just misleading because it's ambiguous. The ambiguity comes from the fact that it can be read in two different ways. The first way, which I think you intended, is: "Does it matter if I look at the person who is speaking to me, as long as I am listening?". But the second reading is this: "Does it matter if I look at the person who is speaking to me? Does it matter if I am listening?" See how that's a very different meaning? This sentence could be interpreted either way, and while I never really thought you meant the latter one, I still found it a little confusing.

I push the swings for them and we laugh at my overbite.

I agree that the mention of swings makes them seem like little kids. Really little kids. But yet, they're doing biology, driving cars, getting drunk, and a few other clues indicate that they are not little kids. This strikes me as inconsistent.

They usually don’t seem to see me, or we have a meal together.

This feels awkward to me--I start reading it and expect it to be something like: "They usually don’t seem to see me, or at least they pretend not to." But you don't say that. At all. It may just be me, but that sentence structure and the context both imply that you're going to give two examples that are similar, so when you don't do that at all it caught be off-guard. Hm. I haven't explained that very well, have I? Let me know if you want me to clarify. Anyway, I suggest you change it to something more like: "They usually don’t seem to see me, but when they do we have a meal together."
---------------------------------

Overall, like sargsauce says, the main perk of this story is the character. He seems like someone who I would like a lot in real life--he's sweet and innocent and misunderstood. He serves his "friends" even though they don't return the favor, because he feels it is his duty, and it makes him feel good about himself to be nice to them. He's a sweet person who, because of his disability has been taken advantage of and degraded, and I pity him. I also think you have some very strong sections in this piece, where the character's voice really speaks to me.

I guess the biggest thing that bothered me here is that it's really a story about his disability. You talk about other things, too, but all from the perspective of how they are affected by the fact that he is mentally disabled. I don't feel like it's a story about a person who happens to be disabled so much as it's about a disability which happens to belong to a person. Because of the prompt, you probably thought "I'll write something about someone with mild AS!" and proceeded to write this (quite sweet, I must say) story. But while it is sweet, I can also tell that it was written for this prompt. And while reading it I find myself thinking "that was quite good, considering the prompt," not "that was quite good, period." I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I jut feel like you got stuck and you never really went beyond the fact that he has AS. Besides being an interesting and touching portrayal of the disorder, I don't know how much this has to offer as a story.

Again, I am really sorry if this sounds harsh or mean but I'm trying to be as honest as I can and help you out as much as possible! The second section is much better than the first when it comes to this, because it actually has a plot. It is about this character's friends and how they changed his life. Yes, his disorder is a big part of it, but there's other stuff there too. The first section, on the other hand, feels rather unfinished. It sort of feels like a bullet-list of all the things you want the reader to know about the character. Yes, there are some great moments in that first section (like the one about the therapist's dog) but when I was reading it I couldn't help but feel like it was sort of a random bunch of anecdotes and facts. I know this was probably really hard to write (the voice had to be simple, but not stupid; touching, but not emotional) and for the most part it was a very noble effort, but I feel like it's not really complete. I would much rather see either a lot more elaboration in the first part, to make it feel more like a narrative, or a lot less, to make it feel like the ramblings of a mentally disabled boy... or I'd like to see a lot less of the first part--meaning that you delete it entirely. It's up to you, of course, but I rather like the idea of having this be a story about something other than his mild Asperger's. Of course, because of the way he narrates, it will become obvious as soon as you start reading that he has AS, but it wouldn't be the main point of the story.

Once again, I'm really sorry if this sounds mean! I'm not trying to be mean at all--only to help you as much as I can. I think this has some wonderful elements, and it has a huge amount of potential. I just don't think it's quite where it could be.

I hope this helps! Please feel free to PM me or write on my wall with any questions/comments/the like. ^_^ Thanks so much for participating in the contest!

a

Hi,

I love someone that was diagnosed with mild Asperger’s Syndrome. I know exactly what the character felt In the first part about people hardly noticing and stuff. There are a few mistakes but that's okay.

Farewell,
A.

Overall a solid piece. The main draw is the character. There's a wry, dry humor about em that enhances the sereal nature of the world around. The voice and style flow well and the unique pattern kept me reading. Good thing too, as there's no real sense of conflict or resolution pulling the reader along, which is the main strike against it. While the caracter enteracts with this world and friends, nothing changes in the end, and an evolution, even a small one, is essential for a literary work.
You can't create a work AROUND the disease, just as I wrote about a char with schizophrenia I never focused on the disease but how it affects his world and his conflict, how he approaches it. I do agree that the stating of his disease isn't necessary, infer but never state, the reader can figure out for himself.

That said, the char and voice carry the work enough to rise above these points. Keep it up.