“C-SPAN is one unpaid electric bill away from being a radio station.” –Seth Meyers, at the 2011 White House Correspondent’s Dinner.
Hey.
Hey, you. Yeah, you in the jacket. Can you hear me? Are you watching, right now?
Okay, good. I think you’re the last one. You’re our only hope, quite honestly. Although Nielson doesn’t put down our ratings on paper, we’re at about -1.8% viewership these days. It’s a mess at headquarters. We don’t know what will get us more spectators: rebroadcasts of our viral videos on Youtube (all two of them) or tutorials on bird watching. Initially, it was assumed that the court clips would grab some Judge Judy fans, and our content vehicles would whisk bystanders into the world of C-SPAN coverage, but it turns out that even though we’re seen in over 100 million homes across the country, nobody even knows who were are. I think 5 people subscribed to our radio app on the iPhone this year… And our programs on the Civil War weren’t exactly bolstering much.
But at least you’re watching! Phew. I bet you’re one of those “American Artifacts” fans, right? Did you catch our short clip on Woodrow Wilson’s Wine Cellar? I bet! How ‘bout that Old Guard Leather Shop? Yeah? Yeah, no, I didn’t catch it either. I mean, saddles?
Anyway, I’m sure you’re absolutely dying in anticipation for this next segment! This is Q+A: Carol Guzy, Washington Post Photographer. Enjoy!
….. Wait a sec…. Gerald, how come the sound’s not working? Gerald… The sound… It’s… Gerald, I know we’ve been waiting days for a viewer but there is absolutely no reason that the sound shouldn’t work… What? It doesn’t function on Youtube either? Christ, now we’ve got a dilemma… Gerald, hand me the projector controller. NOW, GERALD. Thank you…. I’m pressing the up pad, why isn’t there any soundddddd…
Sorry, we’re experiencing some technical difficulties, jacket man. Now stay still, don’t touch that dial. Err, don’t grab that remote. Or that Diet Coke.
What, you’re surprised? You do understand that, since we are a public affairs network, our cameras are literally everywhere in the United States, right? Let me make it clear, then. We have cameras everywhere in the United States. Remember, I saw that you were wearing that awful paisley jacket? Yeah, I know, it can put a damper on your personal time, but you’re serving the cause of quality journalism well. We need it, seriously. I think we’re running a clip of fantastical animals to hit the nerd demographic, get some Pokemon fans into the mix. We’re desperate at this point. We almost courted an offer from the adult site Brazzers on some airings… Dear God. Can you imagine having to replace the “P” in C-SPAN?
This is do or die time for our network. Although broadcasting pornography or Pokemonography could significantly boost our ratings, we have morals. Thus, we’ve decided, as of recently (in fact, a few seconds ago) that we will be introducing a new program entitled “Funding: Extremely Important” to our channel. Notice the combination of the name of our program combined with the remainder of the sentence. Take away the quotes. Funding: Extremely Important to our channel. Got the hint? We’ll be mailing a letter requesting your required donation during this business week, so open up that check book, or, better yet, scrounge up some dollar bills and HAND THEM OVER. Aha, sorry, I hit my toe on the table…
As the kids like to say, LOL. Maybe Hannah Montana could aid our network; partnership with Disney, anybody? NO, DON’T TOUCH THAT REMOTE. STOP. NO. I WAS KIDDING WHEN I SAID “THAT AWFUL PAISLEY JACKE-“
Oh. You’re just going to the bathroom. Okay. Sorry, misinterpreted your actions a bit…
GERALD. Gerald. While he’s gone, we need to… Gerald, stop playing Tetris and get over here. OFF THE COMPUTER, GERALD. I don’t care if you were close to the international high score. Over here, now. What does this guy like? Gerald, over here. Twitter can wait. Over here…. Gerald. What does our viewer enjoy? Did our 360BedRoomCam pick up any interests? Okay, we know his name is John already… His last name sucks, I get it. Seats. Okay. It sounds like toilet seats, yes… Gerald. It’s really not that funny. Your laugh is close to making me LOSE MY COMPOSURE. YOU HEAR ME? LOSING IT.
Shush shushshushshush he’s back. Hey there! How was your… WOAH, STEP AWAYYYYY from the remote okay never mind, you’re just sitting down. Just sitting. Okay. Sorry.
Ahem, well, we’ve got some great programs for you tonight! Oh, you’re in California? Still 4 in the afternoon there. Oh. We’ve got some… Is that an apple bong? Jesus. I suppose there’s some shows we could do for you… Prop 19 coverage, although I imagine that actually makes you upset. Hold on, I think there’s some Cheech and Chong tapes back here somewhere… You don’t know who Cheech and Chong are? What kind of awful smoker are you?
Gerald, let’s get those Chee… Gerald. I know. Seats. Like toilets. You’ve only told me TWENTY TIMES THIS AFTERNOON ALONE.
Maybe if we were a children’s network, your inane sense of humor would be useful.. Wait. That’s it. That’s what we’ve been needing, all these years: the youth demographic! Oh my God. We have a breakthrough. That’s it! Gerald, phone Cartoon Network. I want the Obamas animated.
Thanks, paisley jacket man. Mission accomplished. Tune in next time!
