Monster

Spoiler

Hey there! This is something that I came up with on a whim. I absolutely love Paramore's new song 'Monster' and after hearing it for the first time, my over imaginative mind started to create plots and characters, so I happily complied and came up with this. It's really rough and a little bit all over the place, but it's something that just needed to be written from my point of view. It's flash fiction, so I doubt I'll expand on it, but your comments, however indepth, will be greatly appreciated! I hope it's not more awful than I think Thanks for reading!

You almost broke me. I hope you know that. Your angry words. Your angry fists. Everything was angry when it was up to you. You were the one who made me open my eyes and see things for what they really were, even if that wasn’t your intention.

It hurts to see what you’ve become. Lonely. Desperate. Lost. If it was up to you, I’d end up that way too. But I’m not going to let how you act, shape the way I’m going to grow up. I’m going to prove to you that happy endings do exist.

If only you’d believed me when I’d told you that things were going to get better. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting alone in an empty house, waiting for you to come home. It’s a fruitless task really, seeing as I know you’re gone for good this time. The heated flash in your eyes when you’d slammed the door for the final time was enough for me to realise that it was over. My fight to keep what little left of you alive was over.

But I’m not going to give up on you that easily. I’m going to carry on with my life. I’m not going to forget about you, though. That’s what you wanted me to do. That would be the easy option. I’m fed up of being the girl whose Mum disappears for days at a time. The sympathy was fun at first. The attention I used to get. But now it comes with whispers of disapproval and glances of distaste, like it’s my fault you keep going away.

I wish I could understand what you’re going through. I want to realise why you leave me to fend for myself. Why you need time alone. Why you snap at me for no reason. I don’t want to pry, but as your daughter, I should have the right to an explanation.

Sometimes I wonder if I can feel the monster you describe while you sleep. Its claws dig at my brain. Its breath hot on my neck and its voice licking at my thoughts. It scares me, but you’re not here to bring comfort and reassurance. That’s what I miss the most; your presence. You just being there. But you haven’t quite been there for a while now. You’ve been ebbing away for the past year, ever since Dad died.

I get angry at you sometimes, Mum. I want you to come home so I can shout and scream at you. Tell you you’re not the only one who misses him. That wouldn’t be fair, though. And it would only push you further away.

The monster you fight is winning the battle to keep you from me but I don’t want you to give up. I’ll be here waiting when you finally decide to stop letting it rule your life. I know that, if you try, draw every ounce of courage, every bit of fight left in you to the surface, you’ll win.

That’s what’s going to keep me going. Not the thought of you battling your demons, but the image of you becoming the person you once were.

It’s going to be hard. I can feel the monster creeping into my life too, Mum, but I’m not going to let it win. That’s the decision you have to take too. Depression is a monster of the mind, but your mind is your own and you shouldn’t let anything take that away from you. It may seem like an impossible task at times, but don't give in. I'll think of you and you think of me and, somehow, we'll get through this together. I promise, Mum. Everything's going to be okay.

Nice imagery. You seem to veer off into a different style of writing after the second paragraph though then switch back. I like the message it seems like ity should be more of a poem. Try that.
-Klotrox

Hello xDudettex!

Even though this is a flash fiction, the emotions coming from the narrator is so strong that it had kept me reading until the last word. I can actually feel the voice inside my head, like the character is sitting across me reading this piece. However, there are some instances where I'm quite confused.

The sympathy was fun at first.

I'm not really sure of what you're trying to say here. Maybe elaborate more of the "sympathy" here? or how it was "fun"?

Also, I want to know of the daughter's current situation. Like what she has become, something like that. And this quite leads to my second point, I'm not sure though how I can estimate the character's age. She seems like a child in some parts, but I believe she's a grown-up woman already. Anyways, I like the "monster" concept here, I think it added a creative yet emotional effect throughout the story, I say it's a highlight in here. Even though the idea you've got here is almost cliche', a-mother-leaving-her-daughter kind of thing. And I often see those stories in movies, but then again, you have a good fiction here.

Thanks for the good read.

~Yuri

Spoiler

P.S After reading this story, I automatically searched the song. And you're right, it's a good song! ^^

Yo Dudette,

Not your best. Why? Well, I think the answer is fairly simple. Why are you getting inspiration from Paramore? You should be getting inspired by U2 or some band who likes singing happy and fun songs. Your brilliant story telling and characterization is bogged down by the fact that there isn't anything too gripping going on here. Where there should have been an interesting flair and a tense atmosphere that keeps me a little uncertain about what's going to happen, I find a piece of angsty fiction with only mildly interesting content without any conflict worth mentioning.

Throughout the piece, we never wonder what might happen. There is no progress through the story.

What I am left with is a feeling that this theme would work far better as a poem than it does as a story.

Still, your prose and description and characterization are as wonderful as always. A very emotive piece, though I really think you need to add conflict if it is to be an interesting read.

Have a great one!
Yoda

Why are you getting inspiration from Paramore? You should be getting inspired by U2 or some band who likes singing happy and fun songs.

Go lick my face, Yoda. Go lick my face. Bono scares me and his name sounds dirty to somene with an immaturity level as high as mine.


Dudette, yo!

As promised, although slightly later than promised, here I am to review this for you! I'm using a different compute from usual, so I want to apoloise in advance for any typos I make because this thing doesn't have spell checker, I swear the kyboard is really small, and well... you know what I'm like when it comes to typos. So yeah, I'm sorry in advance for the cause of any screwed up words.

H'okay, so I really liked this, Anna! You definitely portrayed some strong emotions here and you did so effectively. What I tend to see a lot of in flash fition piecs like this is authors not showing, but telling the readers things As for you though, I don't see this problem at all. Without literally saying how the MC was feeling, you were ale to portray her emtions in a clear but creative way, so well done. I suck at writing shot stories, let alone flsh fiction, so I'm totally jealous. You have a tendency to misuse commas sometimes, but your grammar is pretty much perfect overall, so that realy helps the whole flow of the writing. Basicall, I think you've done a great job overall!

As for critiques, I kind of agree with Yoda on a few things. You should totally carry on getting inspiration form Paramore, duh, but I see what he means about the conflict. Okay, so the MCs mum has disappeared. That's some sort of conflict, I suppose, but nothing really happens with it. On the other hand, this seems like a monologue to me rather than a story because it's the MC's train of thought basically, isn't it? Taking that into account, you could argue that conflict isn't necessay here because it is a monologue. Nonetheless, I think you could add something to this, plot-wise, that makes this whole thing a bit more juice, you know? It wouldn't have to be anything major, but something that will add some spice.

My other critique for you may just have something to do with my easily confusable self. I kind of have a mixed impressions of what is both going on and what your MC is feeing when it comes to the situation she's in. For example, the daughter seems angry at the mother at the beginning, but the ending makes it seem as though she's full of sympathy for her mum and that she wants to support her. Plus, at some point in this you say how the MC knows her mother isn't coming back this time, but the ending paragraph speaks about how these two are going to get through it all together, which obviously gives the impression that the mum definitely will come back. So yeah...

Am I making sense?

Basically, I think you need to be a little bit clearer on some things. I suggest reading over the piece carefully to see if you can find any areas where you've contradicted yourself, and any areas where the MC's emotions or what she's thinking seem a little confusing. So long as you read carefully, it shouldn't be too hard to do.

Other than that, I don't think I hae any issues. You've definitely done a really neat job of this overall and I admire you for creating such strong emotions within such a small piece because I could never do that. Me and short pieces of writing just doesn't work, hehe. xD

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Go lick my face, Yoda. Go lick my face.

That sounds dirty for anyone with an immaturity level as high as mine.