Dreams Tell Lies - Chapter Four

Spoiler

Suddenly realised that I hadn't posted this one... which means the order is all mucked up so I apologise. I don't appear to be able to get the chapter long enough yet so all suggestions are welcome! Thanks in advance Icy.

Chapter Four
There was one reason I was absolutely positive I was dreaming. I was floating, high above a large oak tree that stood at the top of a hill in the middle of a field of green. Daisies dotted the long grass and the setting sun gave them a golden glow that almost matched their bright centres.
In the next field, two horses stood basking in the warmth given off by the last of the glimmering rays, their chestnut coats gleaming in the light.
The scene around was one of utmost tranquillity, there was no noise apart from the occasional calls of the birds in the tree below me. I couldn’t help feeling at peace, even though I was uncomfortable in the sky. I didn’t feel like I was drifting contentedly on a puff of cloud, more like I was contained within an invisible glass box. The sides pressed in on me and the more I tried to fight it, the more uncomfortable it became.
I looked down in desperation, trying to find a way to get out of the air but as I did so I heard a low growl. Below me stood an enormous creature, its coarse, brown fur on end and its teeth sharp as knives. From my place above the tree I could see the way it was dribbling, hungry for me.
Suddenly, I wasn’t at peace anymore. I had to stay up in the air to keep away from this monstrous bear, but I was beginning to sink, lower and lower toward the ground and toward the creature that would surely eat me alive.
The bear danced below me, a snarl breaking from its throat and shaking the quiet air. I was losing height fast now; I was falling through the middle of the tree, straight toward the bear.
I landed with a thump, dazed and confused. I whipped around to see the bear sauntering up to me, a smile playing on its hungry lips. I heaved myself from the floor and began to sprint, down the other side of the hill, through another field and to the end of a road.
I looked back but the bear had vanished into a maze of unfamiliar faces. I continued running, faster and faster, aiming for the light up ahead, still struggling inside my invisible cage. The walls felt as if they were closing in on me, forcing me to hold my breath as the space got smaller. I thrashed wildly against the edges, but no amount of force that I could exert seemed to shift them. I was trapped.
A loud thump sounded somewhere from my feet, awakening me with surprise. I had been thrashing at the edges of my wooden crate and the loud thump had been the bin falling down as my arms and legs flailed wildly.
I sat up and wiped my forehead, noticing that it was covered in cold beads of sweat. I remained still for a few minutes, panting and trying to catch my breath. It had only been a dream, I tried to reassure myself.
My dreams were coming clearer now, it felt like a warning. As if danger was approaching.

Hello IcyFlame!

I was kinda blank here (I havn't read your novel, I'm afraid. But I'm going to!) so I can't excatly talk about the character. But, the writing wasn't that bad. But, I have read you previous works and this just doesn't live up to your writing.

Anyways, back to work! This line :

There was one reason I was absolutely positive I was dreaming.

Says that you know and are sure that your dreaming. But then this line :

It had only been a dream, I tried to reassure myself.

This one confused me. You knew it was a dream, but then you had to reassure yourself that it was a dream? Was it that you were so freaked out by the bear that you forgot that it was a dream ?

Now, I understand that here : It had only been a dream, I tried to reassure myself. You are thinking it. Talking in your mind to yourself. So, "#FF0000 ">It had only been a dream, I tried to reassure myself." Put the red part in Italics.

I don't know about this one though. I kind of like to read books where the outline of the character (in this situation, the scenary) is just given as a clear, a clear but not too much detailed sketch and the rest is up to my imagination to fill up! If not that way, give discriptions that can be transformed into a scenaro on its own. Capturing the reader by its words, making sure the reader doesn't escape and comes drooling to your feet for more - this, though, didn't have that effect. The discription kind of ... confused me. It was a sketch you gave me, something to much to let me imagination fill up; a very incomplete and a bit to little details were given, and much left to my imagination. (And when I do fill up the missing bits and pieces, I find out that the scenary has changed again, getting me all mixed up!)

Now, since I havn't read the other chapters (Sorry D: ) just tell me one thing. What is the character? A bird? A human with wings? A human with broken wings? The MC can fly, but then can't control herself, thus crashes. So, I assumed she was a bird with a broken wing. But, she was at peace when her wing was broken? [I know this is point is really lame, 'cause I havn't read it, but perhaps you could fill me in? ]

But, other than that, its was amazing!
Oh Oh! The last line:

My dreams were coming clearer now, it felt like a warning. As if danger was approaching.

:'D I love it. This line brought the feeling. The others... ahh, not so much.

So, I guess thats pretty much it! I hope this review helps, and I hope its clear. (Kind of in a little hurry. Dinner. "I am coming mother! 5 minutes!") If it isn't clear, though, PM me and when I am free I shall explain clearly!

Cheers!
-Natasha/Justtrying

Icy, tis me!

Sorry it took so long to get here but I've been quite busy!

I actually liked this chapter, although it was short. I think you gave good descriptions and it had a good easy flow to it.

A few things, though. First off, how can she have run away from the bear with the cage? I mean, if she couldn't fly off because the cage was constricting, how could she run? I know it's just a dream, but if she's aware of it, then she should be aware of her cage, no?

Also, what were the other dreams? She says they have started up, danger was coming. Well, two things bothered me here. First off, she right smack in the middle of danger. Did she forget she was kidnapped? Also, has she dreamed of this before, and that's why she knows that danger is coming? Is that something I missed in the first chapters?

You did great with this one, keep using that keyboard, ok?

Tanya

Heya, Icy! Sorry it's taken some time for me to get to this. This chapter's pretty short, so I can't guarantee that I'll be of much use here, so please do bare with me.

Okay, so although this chapter was short, it was a nice read. You had some really great imagery in here and I got a clear picture of the landscape being described in the dream. I'm not usually a big fan of dream scenes because they're often cliché, but I liked this. You described it well and it was definitely entertaining to read. Your grammar and such was perfectly fine. You do have a tendency to produce some sentences that have too many commas in them and such, but honestly, it's not a huge problem or anything. Nothing that won't solve itself anyway.

There was one reason I was absolutely positive I was dreaming. I was floating, high above a large oak tree that stood at the top of a hill in the middle of a field of green. Daisies dotted the long grass and the setting sun gave them a golden glow that almost matched their bright centres.

In the next field, two horses stood basking in the warmth given off by the last of the glimmering rays, their chestnut coats gleaming in the light.

The scene around was one of utmost tranquillity, there was no noise apart from the occasional calls of the birds in the tree below me. I couldn’t help feeling at peace, even though I was uncomfortable in the sky. I didn’t feel like I was drifting contentedly on a puff of cloud, more like I was contained within an invisible glass box. The sides pressed in on me and the more I tried to fight it, the more uncomfortable it became.

I said I liked your descriptions, didn't I? That's certainly true, but my main critique is actually connected to your descriptions. Not the descriptions themselves exactly, but the atmosphere and image they create. At the beginning of this chapter, I thought this was a good dream. I mean, you say how pretty the landscape is, you describe the daisies dotted around, the green grass, a golden glow from the sun e.t.c. Basically, it creates a positive atmosphere and gives the impression that the MC is happy. The problem I have is what I've bolded. All of a sudden, we discover that she is, in fact, far from happy.

In the bolded part, you start saying how uncomfortable she is. It caught me off guard a bit because you went from an atmosphere that sent off good vibes to describing how, err, not good her vibes are (You get what I mean.) I understand the whole 'stuck in a box' thing because of the whole kidnapping ordeal, and I understand completely why she would be having a nightmare. If I hadn't read any of this novel up until now though and I decided to read this chapter, I'd be very confused about why she seems so happy at the beginning, but then describes how unhappy she is.

Is any of this making sense to you...? I hope you kind of understand what I'm saying. Feel free to disagree, of course, but I think you either need to describe the landscape in more of a negative way, or keep the positive descriptions at the beginning, but then go on to say how although the landscape is beautiful, the way she's feeling inside is far from it.

Other than that, there's nothing that stuck out to me. I agree with Tanya on what she said about the whole 'danger is coming' prediction. I mean, she's been kidnapped. That does kind of scream danger. Surely, she'd at least fear that something dangerous is going to happen to her, so it seemed weird that the whole warning of danger thing caught her off guard. I don't think that's an enormous problem though, and all it needs is maybe a more detailed explanation. You'll be good to go then, methinks!

Overall, a really great job! I'm not technically supposed to be on the computer right now, but I've managed to steal some time to review this for you. Hopefully, I'll get to chapter nine soon enough. I'm definitely looking forward to reading it!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

All right, here for the review! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to this.

I was going to point out the same thing that Skins said, until I noticed that she said it already -- at first, I thought it was a good dream and that she was feeling peaceful. I was certainly getting nice and comfortable, imagining the horses grazing peacefully and the warmth of the setting sun...and then I found out that she was trapped in an invisible box in the air? And it was constricting with every moment?

Another thing you could perhaps mention is the irony of her wish to get down and out of the box, then her sudden desire to stay up and away from the bear, at which point the box starts lowering? It just amused me with that age-old adage of "Be careful what you wish for."

And as Tanya said, how did she start running if she was inside this supposed glass cage? There weren't any holes for her legs to dangle through or anything, were there?

I looked back but the bear had vanished into a maze of unfamiliar faces.

This part kind of came out of nowhere; I know that dreams are random, but I didn't get a really good idea of what kind of faces. Human? Evil? Normal? Were they just a bunch of dismembered heads, floating in the sky? Or were they attached to bodies as well?

Well, that's all I've got to say. Keep up the great work! I'll be getting to chapter nine soon.

Chapter four. Man, I really need to speed things up a bit.

What is it you were trying to accomplish by adding this chapter? What do you feel this chapter contributes to the story that other chapters could not? Is it some sense of distress, some sense of drama that you felt needed to be precipitated? Or is it the foreshadowing aspect that you wished to include somewhere?

Perhaps all of these are true, but above all the purpose of this chapter seems to be to provide tangible evidence that Ash does, indeed, suffer from a dreaming problem. While the first chapter, to an extent, could be said to accomplish this, this chapter does it in a way that seems a bit more relevant to the story, in the reader's eye.

The main issue with this is that you're trying a bit too hard to make it relevant - so hard that the sense of mystery that is usually attributed to dream scenes such as this is incredibly diminished. Foreshadowing is meant to be subtle; attempting to force it to be otherwise causes a piece to sound pretentious and superficial. Your yen to make use of a dream scene is understandable, but frivolousness won't get you anywhere.

What I mean to say is that the icons you utilize are extremely easy to decipher. The bear is clearly meant to represent an antagonist, and the invisible box is meant to show that she cannot escape. There is no hidden complexity, no depth. Manipulating metaphor is not easy, so don't assume it is; this is the kind of thing that comes of that assumption.

I'm also going to have to agree with the previous reviewers in that the overall composition of this was not so great. Your descriptions, though admirable, were sporadic and obtrusive. You just kind of threw them in randomly, not really paying attention to the fact that they tended to get in the way of the message you were aiming to get across.

The transition between tranquility and agitation was, well, awful. Not to say that it couldn't be easily fixed, but it is honestly devoid of any tact or skill.

I couldn’t help feeling at peace, even though I was uncomfortable in the sky. I didn’t feel like I was drifting contentedly on a puff of cloud, more like I was contained within an invisible glass box.

In two sentences, you try to encompass an initial feeling of peacefulness, a nagging discomfort, a realization, and a fear. No matter how excellent they are, no two sentences can accomplish this task without sounding rushed or awkward. (Also, using both "invisible" and "glass" to describe something is a redundancy. Glass is already invisible.)

So, you were wondering how you could expand this, and I'll give you some pointers. Firstly, I think adding more of a story, or at least some sense of organization, would do this story good. As it is, all I'm seeing is a girl being chased around by a bear inside a glass box, with some halfhazard attempt at mystery and/or prophecy. Perhaps, instead of labeling it as some raving beast with no purpose but to kill Ash, you could attach some personality to the bear. Give it a reason to be there. Not only would this add depth to the chapter, but it would also make the scene that much more interesting.

Another way to make this longer would be to stretch out your transition between placidity and the turbulence that followed. Also, more description would be quite nice near the end of the chapter, because it is then that you start to teeter away from the composure you maintained nearer the beginning.

Keep writing.

-Kafka