Dreams Tell Lies Chapter Nine (Part One)

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This is the shorter half of the chapter but as I'm not likely to get much further with it today I thought I'd post. Reviews needed!!

Chapter Nine:
My eyes fluttered open and I tried desperately to figure out where I was. The dark walls were unfamiliar, almost threatening as they rose above me and joined to an equally dark ceiling with heavy weather stains. I tried to raise my head to look around. Bad idea. My brain throbbed and I had to lay it back on the pillow again. At least the woman had been telling the truth about something; there was a bed.
As far as I could see, there were no windows in this box-room. The only light was coming from a lamp on a bedside table, and I had no way of telling the time or how long I had been out for. I couldn’t even know if it was day or night. The door over the other side of the room was chained and bolted with complex iron locks. There was no way out.
The dusty floor was made of wood, yet holes covered the surface where it had been worn away over time. It was like a prison cell. I half imagined myself as an animal, kept behind bars where people would goggle at me through the small gaps, feeding me scraps of food. Abruptly, I realised I was hungry. When was the last time I’d had a decent meal? As though reading my mind I heard the click of a key in a lock and tried to pull myself up, waiting for the door to open. Instead however, a small square of metal at the bottom of the door swung open, like a cat flap, and a bowl of food was shoved through. If I hadn’t felt like an animal before that would have done it!
I scrambled forward, forgetting the pain in my eagerness to eat something. I needn’t have bothered. The ‘meal’ consisted of a pile of soggy carrots in a puddle of cold soup. It wasn’t exactly like dining with royalty. Nevertheless, I gobbled it down without a pause; I was starving! The glass of water that followed didn’t look too clean, so I left it. The soup was like drinking anyway.
Once finished with my dinner, I stood up to search around this prison cell. I found that the top of my head brushed the ceiling and as I wasn’t very tall, the room must have been smaller than I’d originally thought. I wasn’t usually claustrophobic, but now I understood what those who were must have felt like. It seemed as if the ceiling was coming closer and closer and the walls were drawing in; I pushed my arms above me, trying to make some more room but it wasn’t working! I hammered on the door loudly.
“Let me out!” I screamed, “you have let me out!”
There was a cough outside; evidently the room wasn’t sound proof. It appeared as if I had guards. Attempting to calm myself I had a sudden flash of sane thought. If I was being guarded, surely they were afraid that I could get out. I decided to try a different tactic.
“If you don’t let me out,” I threatened, “I’ll just have to get out myself.”
Two voices started muttering in low tones behind the door, it was impossible to catch what they were saying but they sounded panicked. Why, I had no idea. I wasn’t dangerous but I wasn’t going to let them know that!
“This is your last chance,” I warned them, “I’m going to count to three and if the door isn’t open by then I’m coming out.” I paused for effect, revelling in the fact that the voices were sounding more and more scared.
“One...”
Was that a hissing sound? I looked around, trying to work out where it was coming from.
“Two…”
Who cared about being let out anyway? I was tired; maybe I could rest for a while.
“Three…”
My knees buckled and I hit the hard floor. Then everything went dark.
Last edited by IcyFlame on Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Icy, tis me!

Well, this was really really short but that's ok: easy to read.

I thought her reactions were good at her discovery but maybe you could work it more. Have her be angry that she was set up this way, have her wonder whether this was intentional or not. Have her moan about her rotten luck.

Why would she think that the guards are posted there to prevent her from escaping? Does she have any magical powers that she herself knows nothing about? I found her thought process here very disbelieving. I mean, I would think it's to prevent anyone from coming in. Maybe they're in a building where that is a possibility, you know?

Also, I would definitely hesitate at eating the soup. She's obviously been drugged or knocked out, wouldn't it occur to her that they might slip something in her soup to keep her controlled?

Anywho, I thought this was a good chapter, and I hope my suggestions will help you out!

Tanya :D




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Hey Icy! I don't seem to recall getting a notification about this being posted...be warned. I only allow this to happen once. ;)

Well, as Mum already mentioned, this was pretty short, and I really haven't satiated my curiosity as to what happened to Ash since being driven away by the mystery woman. Also, when you start it off it sounds like she's been knocked out and is just coming to; does she remember anything beforehand, between her being put in the car and now? She mentions the woman, so she can obviously remember that, but can she explain anything else? Maybe how she was drugged with gas, or bashed on the head?

As for her attempt at escaping, it felt kind of weak. When she says that she's going to get out on her own, I think it's a pretty empty bluff. Obviously, she's in some kind of a prison; she knows it, the guards know it, and there's not much of a chance that the room hasn't been secured. She'd really have to peg away at a certain spot to get out; it's not going to take a few body-slams against the door to break it down. Plus, in her weakened state, she can't take on the two guards outside. So all-in-all, I think her "threat" isn't really effective, and the guards' reactions don't seem too realistic. She hears panicked voices after an empty threat to come out there on her own? Either the guards are lame, or she's just misinterpreting the tones she's hearing.

Well, that's really all I've got to say. Keep up the great work, and let me know when you post the next part. Cheers! :]
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus