Coffin Girl - Part 1

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This is something I was working on probably a few years ago now. Thought I would post it for review day so people have more stuff to rip into. I'm wondering if I should continue it. I quite like the interaction between the two characters.

Also for Americans - Torch = Flashlight

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“Jeb! Jeb, where are you?” Marcus tried to search through the darkness for his friend who had run off a moment ago into the woods, laughing as though all of this was just a big game. It wasn’t a game to Marcus though; this was serious business, a serious investigation. Tonight he could have proof, proof of the other side. Putting his hand inside his coat jacket, Marcus fingered the side of his EMF detector, his brand new piece of equipment; his way of tracking the supernatural.

He sighed and pulled his hand from his pocket, “Jeb! This isn’t funny!”

Marcus shuffled forward, his feet shifting around the leaves and other debris that lay on the ground of the copse. A twig snapped off to his left and his head automatically snapped around to assess the danger. He was sure he could see something moving in the dark, or was he sure. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him, seeing dark masses moving that weren’t there at all. Craning his neck forward Marcus tried to focus his eyes and concentrate. For all he knew he may be about to see something amazing, an experience that would change his life or maybe just see Jeb mucking around. Marcus leaned forward, squinting through the darkness. A hand clasped around his shoulder.

Marcus yelped and fell forward landing in a heap on the ground, he swiftly turned onto his back, heart pounding, gasping for breath and turned to see, he hoped, what had touched him. There before him was Jeb, barely visible except for the moonlight that managed to find its way through the trees.

Jeb was doubled over laughing, grasping a small camcorder in his hand “Dude, that was… hilarious! You fell flat on your face and I got it all on tape!”

Shaking his head Marcus got to his feet and dusted himself off. “Stop acting like a prat Jeb. We have to be serious about this.”

“Well where’s the fun in that?” Jeb began to fiddle with the camera and then guffawed loudly. “Man that is so going on the net!”

Marcus snatched the camcorder form Jeb’s hand. “Give me that.” He set about changing the settings on the side.

Jeb sidled up behind him. “So watcha’ doing then?”

“Putting it on night vision.”

“Awesome.”

Marcus pulled the camera away from Jeb, not trusting him that close to his equipment anymore, and continued to set it up for the investigation.

“I thought I was the camera man.” Jeb scowled.

“Was being the operative word,” Marcus held the camera out in front of him, testing the settings.

“Well what do I get to do then?”

Marucs lowered the camera and swung his backpack to his front; he delved inside it and rummaged around. Then coming to a halt he smiled. “Ah, perfect.”

Stepping forward eagerly, Jeb bounced on the balls of his feet as Marcus grabbed the object from the bag and handed it to his friend.

“You get sole control of the torch.”

Jeb yanked the torch from Marcus’s hand. “Lame…”

“You should be happy I even gave you that.” Marcus replaced his bag to its rightful position and pointed the camera forward, continuing on down the track.

Jogging to keep up with his friend, Jeb clicked the torch on. He considered it and then the camera and smiled to himself. “You should totally have something like night vision goggles. That would be awesome. Or like a headcam! Oh what about a thermal camera or something.”

“Jeb.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up."

Jeb muttered several curses under his breath. Rolling his eyes, Marcus returned his attention to the camera and recording the dirt path.

They progressed in silence, Marcus occasionally whipping the EMF detector out of his pocket every time he felt a cold breeze flutter across his skin.

Jeb was still trudging along beside him beginning to feel incredibly bored. “Are we there yet?”

“No,” Marcus replied sharply; his focus on the LCD screen that was partially lighting up his face.

Huffing, Jeb turned his attention to the torch in his hand. He placed his thumb on the switch and turned it off, then back on again. Smiling to himself Jeb began to flick the torch on and off, more rapidly each time.

Marcus felt the heat of annoyance prickling up his neck and into his head as Jeb flicked the torch on and off more rapidly. Click, click, click.

“Cut it out!” Marcus smacked Jeb on the arm.

“Ow! This is so lame! I thought we were going to see some ghosts!”

“They don’t perform on cue Jeb. Besides we aren’t even at the graveyard yet.”

“Graveyard?” Jeb stopped, shining the torch into Marcus’s face as he swiveled towards him.

Marcus stopped reluctantly and batted the torch out of his face. “Yeah, where did you think we were going?”

“I dunno some like…run down house but a graveyard? Really? That’s creepy.”

Marcus looked at Jeb in disbelief. “Dude! You came on a freaking ghost hunt!”

“That’s different…there…there are like dead people in graveyards.” Jeb visibly shuddered.

“What do you think ghosts are?” Marcus began to laugh. “You are so dense sometimes.”

“Oh shut up!” Jeb marched off.

“Jeb! Jeb! Come on! Wait up! I was just kidding!” Marcus jogged after Jeb who had now slowed to a walking pace. Placing his hand on his friends shoulder, Marcus leaned in. “I understand. You probably thought they were fairies or something.” Marcus guffawed loudly as Jeb shrugged his hand off.

“That’s not funny man!”

“Just remind me not to be with you when the zombie apocalypse happens.”

“Oh…ha. Freaking. Ha.” Jeb folded his arms and lazily held the torch, pretending to be in a strop. Marcus managed to control his laughter and kept pace with his friend. He was actually quite enjoying the new silence between them. It made a nice change.

More minutes ticked by and Marcus reckoned they should be coming up on the graveyard soon. He had chosen this specific graveyard because of the stories that surrounded it. The proximity of his house to the graveyard might have also been an added plus.

Jeb though was becoming less and less of a plus and more of a minus.

Marcus had been reluctant to tell his friend about his ghost hunting ambitions, for fear of being thought stupid or weird and being mocked. He had been quite surprised when Jeb had discovered Marcus’s plans for the evening. His friend had used the words ‘awesome’ and ‘cool’ and had seemed almost as excited as Marcus to be going out on a real life ghost hunt.

Now though Marcus was starting to see Jeb’s real motives. He just wanted to have a laugh or a good scare. Marcus on the other hand wanted to try and do as thorough a scientific investigation as he could, spurred on by his favourite TV paranormal investigators.

Graveyards were obviously not the easiest places to investigate, given the fact that they were usually outside and difficult to control but he relished a challenge…

“Sign.”

“What?” Marcus was pulled from his train of thought by Jeb’s low grunt, which somehow was supposed to resemble the English language.

“Friggin’ sign!”

Marcus turned to look at Jeb who had his arm out stretched, pointing ahead of them.

“Must be the graveyard I guess,” shrugging Marcus stepped forward to peer at the sign. “West…Chester…graveyard. This is it.”

“This is it?” Jeb questioned, looking around.

“Yeah.”

“It doesn’t look that creepy, just…dark.”

“Great observation there.”

“So what do we do now?” Jeb held his torch importantly as though he was finally taking his job as light holder very seriously. Marcus smiled slightly, maybe his friend was actually in this for more than a cheap thrill.

To be continued...maybe...
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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Hi!

Okay, just to get this out of the way, I think you should keep this going. The ending doesn't really symbolize an end, exactly. Also, so far, the title has had nothing to do with the story, so it kind of lets the reader down.

Otherwise, I like the humor in this, even though it's supposed to be a ghost story. It really lightens the mood. Overall, it was pretty good! Nice job! :)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

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becki!
SUPERNATURAL!

Anyway, I think you should continue. It starts off really good for you to not to.
Your dialogue is good and it gets me a good idea of their relation. Good job. But then, as a standalone part, this borders on boring. And besides them bringing a little humor, I would like some more of what they're doing. Y'know just something for me to get a better grasp of this. And the minimal description is effective here. But really, just expand this some more, get us to know them more, and show me a little more of the plot and this would be wonderful. And with that title, I'm really interested to read more.

West…Chester
I'm seeing Winchesters everywhere. O.o
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Beckiwah! I don’t know if I’ve ever reviewed anything of yours….*thinks* Yeah nothing is popping into my head. Before I start, thank you for the torch= flashlight bit, that was helpful(:

Nitpicks:
Tonight he could have proof, proof of the other side.

This sentence bugged me a little bit, and that may just be me being picky. But maybe you could just say: Tonight he could have proof of the other side. ?
Marcus shuffled forward, his feet shifting around the leaves and other debris that lay on the ground of the copse.


What’s a “copse”? Just wondering(: Okay, I looked it up. It means wood. Maybe just put wood because I thought it meant maybe something like graveyard since they are trying to find ghosts…
A twig snapped off to his left and his head automatically snapped around to assess the danger.


Snapped is a little bit repetitive in this sentence I would find another word for it at the beginning and keep it at the end because it sort of implies an immediate reaction the way I’m reading it.

He was sure he could see something moving in the dark, or was he sure.

Here I would put either a full stop after dark or a semi colon then put a question mark at the end. I’m not sure how you are supposed to write this in terms of grammar but it needs a pause somewhere and it’s definitely a question at the end.

Craning his neck forward Marcus tried to focus his eyes and concentrate.

Comma after forward.

Marcus yelped and fell forward landing in a heap on the ground, he swiftly turned onto his back, heart pounding, gasping for breath and turned to see, he hoped, what had touched him.

Either a period or a semi colon after ground. Either would work here.


“Stop acting like a prat Jeb.

Comma after prat.
“That’s different…there…there are like dead people in graveyards.” Jeb visibly shuddered.

Commas on either side of “like”.

Jeb folded his arms and lazily held the torch, pretending to be in a strop.

What’s that? xD I need to learn all these British words…

Overall:

This was really close to me because my dad ghost hunts, EMFs, camcorders, the whole shebang. So it was really cool for me to read it, since I’ve never read a story about ghost hunting, only watched the shows. There were only tiny grammar things, commas mostly, so that’s not a big deal.

Your characters were great. Jeb reminded me of myself if I was to ever go on a ghost hunt with my dad. I would expect the wrong things and think that it’ll be like the TV shows and I think you got that perfectly. I liked your dialogue, also. It was very sarcastic sometimes and made me smile.

I learned new words reading this, too. I now know a copse is a forest but I still don’t know what strop means. Make sure that when you use words specific to how you talk yourself that the readers can figure out exactly what they mean by the context clues. Which you probably did but I’m not good at context clues(;

I hope you continue this. PM me if you have any questions or need another review.

~peanut~
There is a light in you, a Vision in the making with sorrow enough to extinguish the stars. I can help you.
~And The Light Fades


The people down here are our zombies, who should be dead or not exist but do.
~Away From What We Started


P.S Got YWS?




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Augh! No fair! You have to continue this!

I really enjoyed this, but as Lava said, some of this got a little boring. I would've liked to see some ghostly action, or some more suspense. :) I also like your characters and the dialogue between them. Your dialogue flows very smoothly, which in turn makes the entire piece flow smoothly.

I couldn't find anything else wrong with this. I guess my only nitpick would be to give us more background on Marcus. How did he get interested in ghost hunting? But hopefully you'll reveal that in later parts. :)

Sorry for the short review, but I hope it helps a little bit.

- Jelly
"Whatever will happen, will happen. You either face it as a coward or you face it as a hero." - O.R. Melling

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