Freshman Fantasies in a Two-Hour Motel Room

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It was the man’s gesture that alerted Dhananad’s eye to the intent of their visit. Just before the man came in, he shook his snow off his coat, brushed the snow off hers, and held the door open as she walked in, shaking the snow off her snow boots.
“Thanks, Robert,” she said, laughing as she pulled off her hat and shook off the snowflakes that clung to her long, blonde hair. “You’re quite the gentleman.”
And she was quite the lady. Even in her bulky snow clothes, Dhananad could see how slim her body was, how her face lit up from the cold weather, and how the frost turned both of her cheeks rosy. She was young, wonderfully so, and he felt his mouth water.
Dhananad turned to Robert to see how he took her words, but Robert only grinned sheepishly. “Wait till you see me later.” He took off his gloves and shook them out. “Soaked, as I expected.”
“They’ll warm up near the fire. There is a fireplace here, isn’t there?” She peered at the brochure in her hand.
And it was then that Dhananad realized that they hadn’t noticed he was here and watching them—not yet. He stood up and twirled his mustache. “There are fireplaces here, depending on the room you choose. We have some very nice rooms.”
The couple looked at each other. “We were wondering about the price,” the girl said.
“How many days?”
The couple looked at each other. “We were hoping for the hourly price,” Robert said.
“If that’s not too much to ask,” the girl added. She shifted a black duffle bag in her hands and it clinked softly, steel on steel.
Dhananad stared, an involuntary smile growing on his face. “How many hours?”
“Just one—” the girl began to say when the man interrupted her.
“No, two, we need two hours.” He winked meaningfully to the girl. “To cool off.”
Dhananad thought he would go crazy. He bit his smile. “I’ll give you a special rate. Ten dollars per hour for the honeymoon suite.”
“Ten dollars?” Robert glanced at the girl, frowning. “That’s an expensive hotel room.”
The girl shrugged. “Yeah, but it comes with a fireplace, a kitchenette, and a hot tub,” she said, glancing at the brochure. “And it’s rated three stars. It’s a deal.”
“It’s still expensive.”
“It’s about the same price as a meal swipe,” she said, cutting him short. “It’s a deal.” She turned to Dhananad and smiled. “We’ll take it.”
Dhananad smiled and reached for the key. “You a new couple?”
They glanced at each other. “Just friends,” the girl said firmly. “He’s lives across the hall from me.”
Robert smiled sheepishly. “We’re freshmen.”
“Very good, very good.” Dhananad gave the girl the key. “Third floor, you can’t miss it. See you back in two hours,” he said.
The girl smiled. “Thank you very much.” She gestured to Robert and they left, Robert following the girl like a puppy.
As soon as they left his vision, Dhananad raced to the security office and sat at his desk, turning on the recorder and adjusting the video cameras. It was a simple, yet effective set-up, he thought to himself. Near the kitchen area, there was a fire alarm and near the fireplace, conveniently located next to the bed, there was a carbon monoxide alarm. It had been easy enough to install two security cameras there and hide it. After all, no one would check those alarms. It had been harder to hide the camera near the hot tub, of course, but he had managed to hide it in a light fixture. It was perfect. He flipped a switch to test the night vision recording and smiled, leaning back in his chair. Now, to wait.
The couple came in. They were laughing at something – a joke from a mutual professor. Dhananad didn’t care about the joke, but he liked watching the girl laugh. She set down the bag and took off her coat. “Ah, freedom!” she sighed, stroking her hand through her hair. “Do you think we can use a towel? I’d love to dry off.”
Robert smiled. “Why not? It’s ours for the next two hours.” He glanced at the bag. “I hope everything’s there. If it’s not, I will hate myself.”
“Of course everything’s there. Even the sausage.” She winked at him. “I’m getting a towel and then we can start. In the meantime, why don’t you start the fire and get set up?”
Robert rolled his eyes. “I have to do everything, don’t I?” he said playfully. He took off his coat and looked for the matches. Dhananad thought he would explode. He watched the bathroom’s screen hopefully, but the girl just picked up a towel and left, rejoining Robert. She took the bag and Dhananad’s heart leapt. He squirmed in his seat impatiently while she rummaged through the bag. And then as she brought out...
A spatula.
Dhananad stared.
She turned to Robert and smiled, twirling the spatula in her fingers. “So, are you ready for the main course yet?” she teased. Robert grinned.
“Yeah. Lasagna, the way it was meant to be cooked! No more DC food today!” He pulled out several cans of tomato paste and a huge package of sausages. “Ready to be amazed?”
“Always,” the girl said.
Dhananad turned off the cameras and swore. Freshmen.

---

I know this is pretty awful. This was one of those stories where I loved the idea, but I hated the execution. With that said, how can I bring out the humor of this and make the characters really sparkle? Any ideas -- especially those crazy ones! -- are very much appreciated here. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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I think it'd be cooler if they turned out to be robots.




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First and foremost, Dhanadad is the most ridiculous name ever. Totally tripped me up. In more ways than one.

It was the man’s gesture that alerted Dhananad’s eye to the intent of their visit. Just before the man came in, he shook his snow off his coat, brushed the snow off hers, and held the door open as she walked in, shakingthe snow off her snow boots.


I initially thought the woman was Dhanadad, not sure if I misread it or if it's the odd description that threw me off but it was quite confusing. Otherwise, the snow is not 'his' and there is far too much repetition going on here, with snow and shaking, even unto the next sentence when snowflakes are shaken as well! So much shaking!

I disliked the obvious 'Thanks, Robert', it sounds like a forced introduction to a name. As I'm so fond of saying, it's rare for friends to call each other by name, especially in instances like this. Also, she goes from being referred to simply as 'she' to 'lady' to 'girl' most often - it threw me off just a touch as well, and I was suddenly confused as to how old she was.

The couple looked at each other. “We were wondering about the price,” the girl said.
“How many days?”
The couple looked at each other. “We were hoping for the hourly price,” Robert said.


Blegh. Stale repetition once more.

“He’s lives across the hall from me.”


Typo! :P

Okay, so...why? That's my question. Why did they have to rent a hotel room to cook? Were they starving? Why did you write this? It was boring and flat. There wasn't any real comedy in it because the set up wasn't long enough, or engaging enough, to make me care - you could've done so much more with this, murder! mayhem! sex! something! It just didn't go anywhere. Even if you heightened the tension, sharpened the stakes (why does D is so desperate to see something sexual? why are the two so desperate to get away? And cook!) and spruced up the action and description, there still isn't enough in this to carry a story on its own. At least, not in my opinion. Maybe as a side-note, an episode in a larger story.

Just thought I'd pop by for that quickie, haha. Hope it helped.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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This is pretty good, however I think it could be even better by changing how the sentences read



The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they.
— TheMythMaster