Letter To My Mother

Hey there,
Wow!! I am a Mama's girl all the way and I love it when Mothers are praised so and are showed such love. Couldn't imagine a person actually hating their mother. Anyways I love this poem, it is just great how you speak of being your mother's comfort. I LOVE IT!!!
My favorite lines were:
I'll be here to bring the sun,
When the day sheds torrents of rain and lightning.

Bravo! I like the rhythm, I like the choice of words and I like the way your love for your mother is so evident that it seeps right out of your words and shines. Great job.
xxx Upile xxx

Hey Smiley!

Lovely poem! I like the positive aspects to it and everything... mommies deserve tons of love!

One thing that you might consider doing is cleaning up the metering. While your rhymes work, the poem doesn't quite bounce along as easily as it could for rhyming poetry. So pay attention to the metering, and it'll be lovely!

Nice, this is a poem most people can relate to. I like your voice and your use of language, the voice you present us is quite unique, I can't really describe it but it's wonderful. Even though i don't particularly like my own mother, i feel like i can relate to this. I have a feeling it has darker undertones, i know this was not your purpose but the narrator is almost scary in someways, almost like they Oedipus syndrome.

One day I promise, you'll be happy again;

be nice if you kept the repetition, also some lines sound awkward as if they are to long, but this is probably just me so i won't go further.

Anyway great work!

Hey Smiley!

So I guess I was a bit vague in my first critique! Here's a video critique, which I am hoping is a lot more thorough than the previous critique! And, basically, I talk about the technical aspects of the poem, etc. You can see it here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1KS-grRbNQ

Bug me if you have any questions!

beautiful poem! It's really sweet..
I don't have any criticism

Thanks all, for the positive reviews and the help in critiqueing. I made some minor editing, but this poem I feel is still very unfinished. I thank Snoink for the tremendous help. I hope this poem will be better one day. But until then, you'll probably continue to see different edited/tweaked versions until I can figure out when it's just right.

The support is great! I feel like I'm being built up as a writer in more ways than one. You guys are all awesome. So thank you for reading and supporting this post.

-Smyli

Hi Smyli! I'm going to review your poem today.

Okay. I love your poem. It's sweet, emotional, and I'm sure if your mother read this she would be very ecstatic, as you say.
One thing I can say, though, is that while this poem had a great feel to it, the rhythm isn't all there. I understand if you'd like to keep it more serious, but maybe just add a word or take one away here in there to make it flow nicer?
For example:

Do not cry, sweet mother of mine,
I'll pick you up when you are down. #FF0000 ">Maybe, "For I'll pick you up when you are down"?
One day I promise we'll be through the hardships,
I'll erase from your face this unending frown. #FF0000 ">These last two lines are really long for this poem, they both have 11 syllables while the first two only have eight. Perhaps you could switch out 'hardships' and split the last line into two? Like: "I'll erase, from your face/ This unending frown ? Unless you do not want to sway from your strict quatrain set up, that's perfectly fine ^_^

Also,

These terrible times won't last forever,
Even if you feel as though they're endless.
I dream and think of the day to come,
When your nights are no longer so perpetually restless. #FF0000 ">Ah, the use of 'perpetually' really breaks the rhythm of the poem, because it is a five syllable word and the others are mostly two and three. I think maybe you could switch perpetually out for something shorter, maybe constantly?

And some day, when you're old and gray, #FF0000 ">Gray?
And have no interest to keep fighting,
I'll be here to bring the sun,
When the day sheds torrents of rain and lightning.

Besides these little things, I saw no errors or anything I'd fix in this. It's very sincere

This is a great poem. One thing that I think it might be missing is more explanation, but, I'm sure you're thinking some of this information is just common sense, and given. But, for instance, in the third line when you say, 'One day I promise we'll be through the hardships.' ....The hardships of what? Life in general? A description might be nice. Then again in the third stanza when you say, 'These terrible times won't last forever.' What specific terrible time will not last forever? Like, what are we talking about here? Are they in a fight with each other over something?

But, my absolute favorite line of this entire poem is "I'll be here to bring the sun."
That gives the mother a lot of hope and joy.
Good job!