The Waking Hours (3/3)

[deleted]

Eviiiiiiiiiiiiii.

You have no idea how happy I am that you posted this! I've really enjoyed reading this story and watching the characters grow and change in such a short space of time. Your writing is always a real pleasure to read. This part was especially good, and I think everything wrapped up nicely. Your characters shine strong in this, and for the first time I feel like we get a real sense of the bond that these girls share with each other. I like the idea of the ending but I'm not too fond of the pinky promise. Although it's cute, and it says something about their friendship, I just don't see it happening, and there are other ways in which you can express it, even if it's something as simple as a hug. Besides, the importance of it somewhat shows, at least for me, from the beginning, so there isn't exactly a need to reinforce it at the end.

Just a quick question, though -- how old are they supposed to be in the fire scene? I thought that I remember you saying that they had just graduated high school, but then you mention Grace's pigtails. Now, I don't know if this is different where you come from, but where I live girls that age wouldn't be caught dead in pigtails. Besides, it somewhat clashes with my vision of the older Grace that was established in the first part. Then you mention something about nine year olds, and that somewhat threw me off guard. Also, Rory mentions that she 'had no friends and didn't know how to make any' at first. If this was true, how was it that she was invited to the party in the first part, especially to that of who's you seem to set up to be very popular? Maybe you can add that she was forced to invite Rory by her mother, or something. It doesn't matter what you do, but that was something that was bothering me slightly.

While I thought that a majority of the fire scene was well done, I still think it could be better at the beginning. We don't really get a sense of the separation and fear that Rory's going through until she's lying with Grace with her arms. When she first sees the flames, she's just like, "oh, there's flames. Where's Grace?" I'm willing to bet she hasn't been in a fire before this. I know that if I was her, I would seriously start freaking out, especially when she learns that Grace is gone. Does the thought of death cross her mind, as much as she tries to shoo it away? I know it would for me. Don't be afraid to become very vivid with your imagery in this scene!

Grace's conversation with Rory at the end was very sweet and heartfelt. As I said at the beginning, I thought that you wrapped it up nicely. This was some good stuff! I'm really glad I was able to follow it and review each part. Keep up the awesome work, and definitely let me know if/when you post an edit! *likes*

~ Elinor

Heya again Evi,

So, the rest of my comments.

I found there to be a pretty big disjoint between part 2 and 3; the emotional arcs are pretty well separated from each other. What makes this noticeable for me is how the cause and effect of part 2 and 3 are visible, but the characters don't notice it.

Take, first of all, the fact Rory says Grace should tell her parents. When Grace says she will, Rory doesn't think that she could have had a part to play in that. There's also the whole emotional turn-around I mentioned earlier.

My biggest problem with that is how there seems to be so much backstory to all the emotions involved, and we're only getting a tinny bit of that. The friendship feels just a bit superficial because we don't really see how Grace has been nice in the past, and we're not told a lot about it either until the end. This makes Rory's steadfast dedication a bit less understandable, because previously she'd been rather annoyed at the whole thing. The switch in emotion, which extended to here, was a bit weak because we're not given a huge reason why Rory's stuck so close to Grace. A huge/more detailed reason is needed because of Rory's bitterness, and the small taste of what we're shown of Rory's actions.

There's also the whole thing about her parents not knowing about Grace's sleepwalking. I'm wondering how she managed to hide that for years, when it's written all over the narrative that she's highly destructive when she sleeps. That weakened the ending a lot for me, because it seems pretty implausible that she could hide it that long.

And a minor thing that bugged me; it's implied that had Rory gotten up after Grace the fire could have been prevented, yet Rory has no guilt over not having followed Grace. That disconnect could use some polishing up, because it could provide a lot of tension in Rory's mind and in their friendship. Maybe why Grace wants to release Rory? She's figured out that if Rory doesn't do her job once, Grace causes massive damage.

You did improve on the voice as the story progressed, and because Rory aged in each flashback, so her voice no longer seemed that out of place.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

Heya, Evi.

Believe it or not, I'm here to review! I'll cut the blabber for once, and get straight to the review. Like always, if you have any question or comments on this review when I'm done, be sure to let me know through PM, my wall, or whatever other way you can think of.

I'm going to try and avoid repeating what's already been said, but if there is something that I think needs to be mentioned again, I will. By the look of it, I do have one or two things I noticed that don't seem to have been mentioned by Ellie or Rosey yet. My overall opinion of this is good. I think it wraps up the story wonderfully and I have to admit that I'm quite sad that it's finished now. I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for some more of your stuff from now own.

I didn't really notice any huge problems in here, so that's good. Except for a few things that have already been mentioned, the first thing that I noticed about this has something to do with the scene where the adults and Rory are outside (or almost outside) the house. Okay, so they think Grace is already out, but then discover that she is, in fact, still in the house. Mr. Ewing runs towards where her scream came from, but then Rory pushes him and his wife out of the way and finds Grace herself. There's no call behind her from Mr or Mrs. Ewing, telling her to come back, and they both give up and leave the girls on their own? That's the impression I seemed to get.

Once Rory is upstairs, there's no real mention of Mr and Mrs. Ewing. Where have they gone? Would they have really just left Rory and Grace once Rory had ran upstairs? They don't even call after her? You said something about the staircase burning after she's gone up it, so that half explains it, but it still seems a little off to me. I think that if you simply add in some dialogue of one of the adults calling her name and ordering for her to come back, then this won't seem as unrealistic to me. Do you see what I mean when I say that this part is a bit unrealistic? A bit of explanation into this will do the job fine, I think.

The only other critique I have for you has something to do with the dialogue. I think you may actually be slightly aware of this because you mentioned something about being worried that the ending is a bit cheesy. I do agree with you a bit on that, and I think it's mostly because of the dialogue. I think that it can sometimes sound forced and too... rehearsed, I suppose. I especially noticed this whenever Grace and Rory were discussing their friendship. When they were trapped in the room, for example. It just reminded me of the dialogue you see on those movies hat can sometimes end up being melodramatic. Take this part, for example:

This is an important conversation we’re having, one I won’t be able to coax out of her again. “Grace,” I say, trying to choose my words carefully. “When I came here, I had no friends and didn’t know how to make any. Finding you was like finding—I don’t know. A star. A sun. You had your own orbit, but it wasn’t like I was sucked in—it was like I was lucky to be so close to you.”

She tries to cut in, but I wave my finger in her face. “You had so much life. I’d never been near anyone with as much vibrancy and energy as you. Your sleepwalking seemed so minor at the time. I learned to be everything for you—your secret-keeper, your caretaker, your friend.”

She crosses her arms. “And in return I gave you bruises and burns.”

Although I loved the imagery you created through this dialogue, it just didn't seem realistic. I mean, when you're talking to your buddies, do you start comparing them to the galaxy? I don't tend to. If I did, they'd probably have me locked up. To me, it all sounds a bit too rehearsed. You have to remember that this is technically supposed to be coming straight from your characters heads. They'd either have to be really, really, really creative and smart to come up with things so quickly, or have practised this conversation beforehand, which I doubt they have. Do you kind of see what I mean? I don't think I'm being an awful amount of help.

I think that's about it. I worry that I've been a bit unclear in this review, so please let me know if you're confused on anything. Overall, I really like this short story, Evi. I adore the idea of the insomniac and the sleepwalker being best friends and your writing is full of great skill and potential. With a bit of tweaking here and there, this could really be wonderful.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins