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I'm pigeon and I'm here to review your work.The day began the same way as usual#FF0000 ">; far too early. Even the sun seemed to have risen somewhat reluctantly and now stretched itself out, reaching under and through cracks in the curtains. My iPhone took a different approach#FF0000 ">, screeching and shuddering on my bedside table#FF0000 ">, seemingly #FF0000 ">I think just seeming would be better than seemingly only too happy to wake me up.I pointed out a few times here where you had no punctuation but needed a comma. I'm not going to go through and find every time, but there were several instances when a lack of punctuation made me struggle to read smoothly and understand what you were saying.
I liked t-shirts that were tight against me, most thought this was because I enjoyed showing off my chest muscles, six pack and bulging biceps but the truth was very different.I wanted to know what the truth actually was here.
A quick fix of my short dark brown hair and a brush of my teeth later, I set off down the rickety flight of stairs, each one groaning and creaking like a 93 year olds spine. Making a mental note to win the lottery and buy an apartment before this dump fell down, I entered the kitchen.I really liked this. The way the narrator describes things gives a clear picture of the character, as does his mental note which I found funny.
Also, soon after this the descriptions of characters with a lot of references to birds were really great, and the characters were all very convincing for their various ages.At the age of 10 Damon already considered himself far too old for hugs and without his crap excuses of parents being around, he was becoming a bit of a handful to look after.I didn't understand this sentence. I get that Damon thinks he's too old for hugs and he's hard to look after, but what were his excuses about parents? Sorry, I just really have no idea what you're saying.
3 pairs of feet were in shoesAnother great insight into how the character thinks. I like that he seems to have listed in his mind all the things he has to do for his siblings: breakfast, check. shoes, check. It's what I do when I'm babysitting
The bus decided to show up today and as though feeling guilty, it was 3 minutes early.This would be great, if you'd established a precedent of late buses. As it is this is the first the reader hears of the bus, so it coming early doesn't seem that big a deal. I'd save this description for a bus ride later in the story if you have one.
That#FF0000 ">, coupled with the death of my mum in a rather gruesome road accident (she was driving and she lost her head, albeit because a lorry collided into the side of her car flipping it several times #FF0000 ">maybe this is just me, but I just can't picture this. How does someone inside a car get decapitated when the car flips? Surely she would have been crushed by a lorry hitting the car, not lose her head?) #FF0000 ">, had brought about this change of college and the move to my grandma#FF0000 ">'s.
Images flashback of daydreams in which I had repeatedly, countless times, murdered or beaten her, splashes of blood spewed from flailing remains. The train of thought derails and rattles to an abrupt end as the bus brakes sharply for my stop.This is suddenly in present tense while the rest of the story was in past tense. Also, it doesn't quite seem to fit; It feels like you're trying to insert a film style flashback into a written story.
bright red brick that was dull and mundaneWait, the brick was bright and dull? Obviously, that's not what you meant, but it reads strangely.
A guy around 5ft 7" with mousy brown hair, a soaked sweaty checkered shirt and glasses perched precariously on the end of his nose reflecting his terrified eyes was being held by a hand. #FF0000 ">Be careful of falling into stereotypes. A checkered shirt and glasses? He can be a nerd who gets bullied without all that The hand slowly crushed his neck as I put my stuff back in my locker and looked the owner of the hand up and down in disgust. He was a black man of about 19 years old, his short hair patterned with a razor. He was wearing a large black hoody with white framed red letters spelling S.G.U.R.D which I presumed was drugs spelt backwards, epic fail for originality. #FF0000 ">Again, stereotypesA gold chain hung unceremoniously round his neck with a large symbol at the end no doubt compensating for his tiny manhood. #FF0000 ">I love your narrator right now.He also wore baggy sweatpants and bright white trainers#FF0000 ">, embellished with the Adidas logo#FF0000 ">, which he'd probably stolen.
Noticing me he looked my way and angrily spat "oh yo wantin' some too does ya bitch? I'ma take all your dough so yo betta' be rich. Fuckin' shank you and leave you bleedin' in a ditch, now go fuck yo motha you stupid fuckin' butters prick!"I don't like unnecessary swearing, but this wasn't unnecessary. You made a point about the character through his language and it works really well.
No, I'd try to communicate in a medium he could understand#FF0000 ">; rap. I'd never rapped before#FF0000 ">, but how hard could it be?Okay. This, right here. This is the point where you lost me. I just found it a little too unbelievable. Do people really just start trying to rap in the middle of hallways? Your character seems surprisingly successful too, which seems unlikely. The ensuing fight seems more realistic, as is the crowd drawn to it.
She grinned sticking her tongue out enticingly, walking backwards slowly as I continued to walk towards her smiling back. "What do you want pretty lady?" I asked her quizzically.The character of this girl is developed almost instantly and I loved the witty banter between them! Awesome work!
130,543 Literary Works • 671,513 Reviews
