Charlie

(This is for Skins contest...I seriously started crying as I wrote this. Hope you like it )

I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. Epecially not him. But no one seems to believe me when I say that. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Perhaps it's because I still have hope that someone will believe me. As long as you promise to listen to everything before you judge me, I'll tell you how it all happened.

It all started as some stupid dare that I was to afraid to turn down. You see, I wanted to be apart of the in crowd. I was tired of being a loser and an outcast. As long as I could be apart of their group, I would do anything. That's what I told them.

They spent days asking me to do small things for them. Getting their lunch, carrying their books, doing their homework. But it was two weeks later when they told me I only had to do one more thing. At first, I was extremely excited. I was finally going to be able to be popular! But as they whispered the command into my ear, my eyes dimmed, my smile faded, and I said no.

Abby, pretty much the leader of the group, said to me "If you say no there is no way we are letting you in our group. Ever." It was then that I made my choice. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? I never thought that doing it could alter my life like this. So I went to do it.

Let me explain this to you now so you're not confused-my brother, Charlie, is autistic. Now, let's move on...

I walked up to Charlie that day at lunch. He was sitting by himself. When he saw me, the biggest smile crossed on his face "Lauren! Lauren, are you going to sit with me today?" He said excitidly. I used to sit with him everyday before I began trying to get into Abby's group.

I could't look him in the eye. As I rubbed my hand up and down my arm, I could feel Abby and her friends watching me. "No Charlie, I'm not going to sit with you." He frowned "Why? I-I want to spend time with you. Why?" Swallowing hard I looked up at Charlie and said "Because you're stupid."

Charlie's face crumpled and he looked down at his hands. He whispered "I'm not stupid." Tears began running down my face and I yelled at him "Yes you are Charlie! You're stupid!" Charlie's eyes flooded with tears and he yelled back "I'm not! No I'm not! I'm smart! You're stupid Lauren!" Charlie ran away from me. I just stood there crying.

That night, Charlie locked himself up in his room and wouldn't speak to anyone. In the morning, mom went to his room to wake him up. But his door was locked. "Charlie, open up. It's time to get ready for school." She waited a minute and pounded on the door "Charlie, we're going to be late." Mom began to get worried. Usually when Charlie did this we could hear him giggling behind the door.

Mom called up dad and he called "Son, open up and let us in please." Still no answer. Mom and dad exchanged glances and the next thing I knew, dad threw himself against the door and had busted through it. Mom walked in and she screeched. Charlie lay on the floor, not moving and not breathing. An empty bottle of pills lay next to him. Dad rushed over and checked his pulse.

Bursting out in tears, dad held Charlie's hand and began muttering "My boy. My poor, poor boy." He shook with tears as he held Charlie's hand to his face. Tears flooded from my own face. Unable to bare it any longer, I ran. I ran out of the house as fast as I could. This was all my fault! Charlie killed himself because of me.

Somehow, I ended up at the school. Some people wandered around, waiting for homeroom to start. Without even thinking, I found Abby and started attacking her. I yelled "I hate you! Because of you, my brother killed himself!" I managed to mess up her pretty face before a teacher pulled me off of her. As I continued trying to attack her, even with the strong hands restraining me, she lay there holding her face, crying in pain.

She deserves to be in pain. She deserves to be hurt for what she did. She sat up and pointed accusingly at me, screeching "I didn't make you do anything! You could've refused! I didn't make you do it! It's your fault, not mine!" I crumpled, crying and not caring who saw or heard.
***

Hi Fictionfanatic! You know the drill; I'll go through and edit some things, first.

fictionfanatic wrote:I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. Especially not him. But no one seems to believe me when I say that. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Perhaps it's because I still have hope that someone will believe me. As long as you promise to listen to everything before you judge me, I'll tell you how it all happened.

It all started as some stupid dare that I was to afraid to turn down. You see, I wanted to be a part of the 'in' crowd. I was tired of being a loser and an outcast. As long as I could be a part of their group, I would do anything. That's what I told them.

I highlighted "it all" in blue because you said it twice.

fictionfanatic wrote:They spent days asking me to do small things for them. Getting their lunch, carrying their books, doing their homework. But it was two weeks later when they told me I only had to do one more thing. At first, I was extremely excited. I was finally going to be able to be popular! But as they whispered the command into my ear, my eyes dimmed, my smile faded, and I said no.

Abby, pretty much the leader of the group, said to me,"If you say no, there is no way we're letting you in our group. Ever." It was then that I made my choice. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? I never thought that doing it could alter my life like this. So I went and did it.

I edited the dialogue a bit to make it seem more naturally. When I write dialogue, I tend to put down the words I or my characters would actually use while talking.

fictionfanatic wrote:Let me explain this to you now so you're not confused-my brother, Charlie, is autistic. Now, let's move on...

You can just come out and say that Charlie is autistic. The whole, "Let me explain this to you now ..." thing can be a real turn-off in literature.

fictionfanatic wrote:I walked up to Charlie that day at lunch. He was sitting by himself. When he saw me, the biggest smile crossed on his face. "Lauren! Lauren, are you going to sit with me today?" he said excitedy. I used to sit with him every day before I began trying to get into Abby's group.

I could'nt look him in the eye. As I rubbed my hand up and down my arm, I could feel Abby and her friends watching me. "No Charlie, I'm not going to sit with you."

He frowned "Why? I-I want to spend time with you. Why?"

Swallowing hard, I looked up at Charlie and said, "Because you're stupid."

Charlie's face crumpled and he looked down at his hands. He whispered, "I'm not stupid." Tears began running down my face and I yelled at him, "Yes you are, Charlie! You're stupid!"

Charlie's eyes flooded with tears and he yelled back "I'm not! No I'm not! I'm smart! You're stupid Lauren!" Charlie ran away from me. I just stood there crying.

Every time a different character uses dialogue, it should appear in a new paragraph.

[quote=fictionfanatic"]That night, Charlie locked himself up in his room and wouldn't speak to anyone. In the morning, Mom went to his room to wake him up. But his door was locked. "Charlie, open up. It's time to get ready for school." She waited a minute and pounded on the door. "Charlie, we're going to be late." Mom began to get worried. Usually when Charlie did this we could hear him giggling behind the door.

Mom called up dad and he said, "Son, open up and let us in please." Still no answer. Mom and Dad exchanged glances and the next thing I knew, Dad threw himself against the door and #BF0000 ">had busted through it. Mom walked in and she screeched. Charlie lay on the floor, not moving and not breathing. An empty bottle of pills lay next to him. Dad rushed over and checked his pulse.

Bursting out in tears, Dad held Charlie's hand and began muttering "My boy. My poor, poor boy." He shook with tears as he held Charlie's hand to his face. Tears flooded from my own face. Unable to bear it any longer, I ran. I ran out of the house as fast as I could. This was all my fault! Charlie killed himself because of me.

Somehow, I ended up at the school. Some people wandered around, waiting for homeroom to start. Without even thinking, I found Abby and started attacking her. I yelled, "I hate you! Because of you, my brother killed himself!" I managed to mess up her pretty face before a teacher pulled me off of her. As I continued trying to attack her, even with the strong hands restraining me, she lay there holding her face, crying in pain.

She deserved to be in pain. She deserved to be hurt for what she did. She sat up and pointed accusingly at me, screeching, "I didn't make you do anything! You could've refused! I didn't make you do it! It's your fault, not mine!" I crumpled, crying and not caring who saw or heard. [/quote]

Wow. That was oddly intriguing and depressing. But there is one thing that bothered me throughout the story. Wouldn't Lauren say that to her brother, then explain the whole situation to him when he got home? Maybe you could throw in a scene where she does try to explain it to her brother and take it back, but he doesn't believe her.

Also, where did he get these pills? Wouldn't his parents know he had autism and store their pills in secret places? I mean, autistic children can be very emotionall instable, and their parents are usually very vigilant when it comes to signs of depression.

Overall, though, this was a fabulous story. I really loved it, and I'm almost certain it will win!

Keep writing!

- Abigail

Hiya,

So, this isn't bad. It definitetly kept me interested in reading, but I feel like the execution could be a lot better, especially since we've seen this sort of this story in many shapes and forms. I know stuff like this happens a lot in real life, so make us relate to Lauren and really understand the situation that she's going through, why she felt so much pressure to tease her brother. Okay, so maybe we've all been in a situation at one point where we wish we were cooler then then we actually were, but still.

I'd show us more scenes with Abby and the rest of the popular crowd, show us how unpopular Lauren is and why she is so deseparate to become friends with them. Then, I think we'll buy her sense of urgency and feeling of absolute need to accept the dare. I'd also like to see more of a fight between Abby and Lauren over the dare--I'd introduce the actual idea of it earlier, and that way we'll know what's in store. We'll wonder why she'll really go through it, and how Charlie will react.

Also, the fact that he comitted suicide just after his sister said that to him seems a bit unrealistic, even if he was emotionally sensitive. I could it eventually leading up to that, though. You would have to have other factors. Maybe afterward they let Lauren into their group and bully Charlie day after day, with every chance they get. Or maybe Abby gets Lauren to say something a lot more harsh (i.e. why are you so stupid? You don't deserve to live). Then it would be more belivable that he would kill himself.

Hope this helps! Shoot me a PM if you have any questions.

-Elinor x

Hello! I'm Lise, and I really liked this. It was very sad, especially for me, because my little brother is autistic, and he's teased a lot, and it kills me to watch anyone get hurt. There was some mistakes, but they have been pointed out, so I won't repeat them again.

Let me explain this to you now so you're not confused-my brother, Charlie, is autistic. Now, let's move on...

I don't know why, but I've never liked things like this in stories. You should slowly show that Charlie is autistic. Maybe you could write a scene with him, and he does something that lets you know that he's autistic.

Also, the fact that he comitted suicide just after his sister said that to him seems a bit unrealistic, even if he was emotionally sensitive. I could it eventually leading up to that, though. You would have to have other factors. Maybe afterward they let Lauren into their group and bully Charlie day after day, with every chance they get. Or maybe Abby gets Lauren to say something a lot more harsh (i.e. why are you so stupid? You don't deserve to live). Then it would be more belivable that he would kill himself.

I agree with this. It would definantly make it more believable.

Overall I loved this story, and I love how you showed the effects of bullying. Good job! :]

--Lise

This was so sad, but it proves so many good points. People will go so far because of envy, and they don't realize the consequences. It is an amazing piece, and you are an awesome writer. It made me cry and not many pieces can do that. I'd give you corrections, but I don't see the need for any.