Haunting Matty (scary story contest)

Hey there! This is for the scary story contest! I don't like the ending much, so any comments on that would be great.

This is the tale of Matty, a young boy from a small town who discovered the impossible one lonely Halloween.

He was perched on his front porch, reading the Brothers Grimm, the complete short-story collection. Right when he reached the page where the evil stepsisters were chopping off their toes, he paused. He didn’t look up, or change his vision, but studied the picture that the corner of his eye was giving him.
There was a fat little boy standing on his porch, staring at Matty. He had sharp claws for fingernails, and his eyes were hallowed in. He wore a blue striped shirt that was two sizes too small, because his fat tummy hung out over his matching blue shorts. In his right claw was a sucker. Red and white sugar formed a messy circle around his mouth from when he had been sucking.
Matty said “Hello” to the young beast, but as soon as he turned his head, the little boy was gone.


Matty encountered the young beast two days later, in the park. He was swinging, all alone. The wind howled, and the swing to his right started moving. Matty sighed and stared forward, wishing that someone was actually beside him. When he looked forward, out of the corner of his eye, he could see the fat child on the swing next to him. The boy started to swing higher and higher, leaving Matty on the ground.
Matty swung his legs to reach the beast, still looking forward because he knew that if he looked at the child, it would disappear. Matty smiled as the fat kid laughed, sucking and chomping on his lollipop. Matty had a friend.


Matty was sitting on his bed, talking to the beast.
“Fat kid,” he said, the beast laughing at his nick name. “How come I can never look right at you?”
The beast thought for a minute, his blue, rotting flesh trembling for a moment. “I ain’t real?”
“That’s not an answer, that’s a question,” said Matty.
“What you gonn’ be for Halloween?”
Matty thought about it. He decided he was going to be the fat beast.


It was Halloween: the last night. The wind was howling, the moon was staring, and the children were happy. But where was Matty? His parents had searched the entire house for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
After hours of searching, the police finally found him in the park, on the swing. He had a red stain around his mouth in a circle, for where he had been eating. His skin had turned blue, and he was talking to himself.
“That’s what you get Matty,” he laughed to himself, staring forward blankly.
Hidden in the tube slide was a lifeless body dressed as a witch. The red stain on Matty’s mouth belonged to the child, the police had discovered after hauling the new Matty to the police car. As Matty sat, laughing, watching them drag out the witch, his stomach grew fat, and his skin bluer. His shirt became two sizes too small. Now you could not tell the difference between Matty and the beast.
Because there was no difference.

Saaam. Here is your promised review.

So I thought this story was really cool and creepy. You had good ideas and really play up the atmosphere. The last line really sent a shiver up my spine. For this to really work, however, you need to slow down your pace. I read this over once, twice, and skimmed it over a third time, and even then I don't really have a clear idea of what was going on. First, you keep switching between the "fat kid" and the "young beast" for the boy, so I don't really know what I'm supposed to think of him as.

Also, I would really like to see more scenes between Matty and the fat kid/young beast and show their relationship grow, as one-sided as it may be, so we can really see and understand the ending and that it would seem realistic to us. You might want to clarify Matty's age, too.

Speaking of the ending, I have no idea what happened. So, he became the fat kid/young beast, but how? And why is he suddenly so evil now? You might want to use those extra scenes between the two characters to show how he can manipulate Matty into thinking about doing bad.

Otherwise, it was good. PM me if you want to talk about this some more. ^_^

-Elinor x

Nitty picks away! (Ironically, they're both in the same paragraph. xD )

He wore a blue striped shirt that was two sizes too small, because his fat tummy hung out over his matching blue shorts.

His tummy sticking out is a effect, not a cause. Say "So" or some other variation.

He had sharp claws for fingernails,

In his right claw was a sucker.

If his claws were in place of finger nails, technically he couldn't have a right claw, nor hold anything in it. That's like say "In his right fingernail was a sucker." Preposterous, is it not?

Okay, so those were the only nitpicks I spotted off the bat. Now, for the story.

You have 5,000 words, so, like Elinor said, drag this out more. Make the scenes more complex, more in-depth, character-wise. Show their relationship, and how this happened. Also, it wouldn't hurt to place a word of explanation at the end, though it's not really necessary. But if you do, don't info dump. If you hone in on it, show not tell.

Also, the wording here is nice enough, but this is a scary story. So amp the vocab up a few notches on the creep-o-meter. Doing that will also add a bigger effect to the last sentence.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hey Saam!

Okay, well I liked this. I like your plot and how you went about it.
As Eli said, fat boy/young beast is a little confusing.

The ending: Well, I like that he becomes evil and all hat. But, it needs work. You'll need to describe stuff more. A little more to make it better. Because in my head it's like the kid just suddenly *ka-poofed* into evil.

It was Halloween: the last night.

This sounds fakely ominous with a dun-dun-dun. I would suggest you scrap this and add in a bit more detailing, so that we get to see some more.
I like the idea around the end, but maybe a bit more description would make it scarier.

Good luck!
~Lava