Rain and Lightening

I knew its really short, but I was bored, it was raining out, I had to do something. This is what I came up with so, tear it to pieces and tell me what you think.


The sound of lightening woke me from a dreamless sleep. I sat up straight and looked out my bedroom window. Lightening sputtered across the sky, as rain covered the land like a cozy blanket. Salty tears leaked from my eyes as I rested my head against the wall and stared outside. The sight gripped my heart with warmth and peace. Tonight, I was lucky. Tonight, I wouldn’t be punished.

Reaching out with shaky fingers I placed my hand against the cold glass and sighed in relief. I didn’t understand why I did it, or why it soothed me so. I only knew that it made me feel whole and safe. Then I closed my eyes and wrote my name on the fogged glass. Natalie. I never understood that either. But every time it rained, it had to be done.

Other than the sound of the storm, it was silent. It was broken quickly, by a whimpering sound. I smiled as I climbed out of bed and onto the floor. “Chloe,” I whispered. “there’s nothing to be afraid of. Come here pretty girl.”

Slowly, my baby pit bull crawled on from under my bed. I petted her nose and in swift move gathered her in my arms. Her fur was a dark chocolate color, except a white strip on her nose and belly. I sat back down on my bed and wrapped my comforted around us both. Chloe whined and snuggled in closer to me. “Shush,” I said stroking her along her head and back. “everything’s going to be alright.” l laid down and continued stroking Chloe. A yawn slipped threw my lips as I began falling asleep. No one would ever know how happy I am to sleep in my own bed. To sleep though the night without my father kidnapping me and forcing to me to play the role of my mother in his bed. He never came to me on nights like this. I was safe tonight and that was all because of the rain and lightening.

Hey LiveLaughLove!
My first impression was that it was really short. I almost didn't read it but then I thought it wouldn't take me long so why not? It's a touching piece. At first, I was curious why she said she wouldn't be punished tonight. You anwered part of my question... because her fater is abusif and all but I want to know why wouldn't he tonight? What's so special about rain? I got the message that some are afraid of thunderstorms and some aren't but while reading, I didn't see the purpose of the dog in all of this really.

I do have some nipticks though... sorry, I have to do them everytime

Lightening sputtered across the sky, as rain cover the land like a cozy blanket.

Reaching out with shaky fingers I place my hand against the cold glass and sighed in relief.

"Cover" and "place" here are present tense... while the rest is past.

Salty tears leaked from my eyes as rested my head against the wall and stared outside

I think you might have forgotten an "I" between the "as" and "rested"

It was broken quickly, by the sound of whimpering

I feel like this sentence would sound better if it was "by a whimpering sound" instead?

Her fur was a dark chocolate color, expect a white strip on her nose and belly.

I think you meant "except"?

That's all I've got Overall, I think it was cute. I love rain and it certainly makes me think a lot when I watch it slap against the pavement. It was really enjoyable and kind of sad and you make us feel bad for the girl. Good job!
Keep writing!

-Truth-

I love it! I could feel tears filling my eyes as I read it. You have a great sense of imagery, and I could definitely feel the emotions of the girl.

One thing that stood out to me was:
play the rule of my mother in his bed
I think you meant to put 'role' instead of 'rule'

you have some grammatical mistakes, but other than that the story was wonderful.

Keep writing, you're great!

Two minor things before I begin the review. First, make sure you run over your work with a spell-check. It looked fine for the most part, but I noticed you misspelled lighting several times throughout the story and in the title. There isn't an e after the t.

Second, the fact that this is all one big block of text makes it really hard to read. To make things easier, trying dividing into paragraphs for every new idea and each time you have a new bit of dialogue. If you're having trouble figuring out where to put your line breaks, you can probably browse around some of the stories here.

As for the story...whoa.

Even though this is so short, you cover a lot of really rough ground. It starts off innocently enough. Here you have this warm and whimsical story, then you mention what her father does to her. Then it's over, even though our curiosity has just been aroused. I know in a way, you allude to to the en, but it's only through one short and vague line.

What this story simply needs is a focus; is it on her father's treatment or the soft and peaceful rainstorm? If it's the former, I'd build up to it more. Is she so relieved that she's crying? Does she find herself staring at the door. I'd also introduce it much earlier on in the story. If it's the latter that you want your focus to be, I'd cut it. Something so terrible and violent would only really distract from the subtle beauty that this piece is supposed to have.

Hope this helps! Shoot me a PM if you have any questions or if there's anything that could be more clear.

-Elinor x

Hey there!

This has to be one of the saddest things I have read on YWS. My heart sank with your last few sentences.

Since this is one big clump of a flash fiction, I will suggest a way to break up the paragraphs for you so it looks and reads more appealingly.

The sound of lightening woke me from a dreamless sleep. I sat up straight and looked out my bedroom window. Lightening sputtered across the sky, as rain covered the land like a cozy blanket. Salty tears leaked from my eyes as I rested my head against the wall and stared outside. The sight gripped my heart with warmth and peace. Tonight, I was lucky. Tonight, I wouldn’t be punished.

Reaching out with shaky fingers I placed my hand against the cold glass and sighed in relief. I didn’t understand why I did it, or why it soothed me so. I only knew that it made me feel whole and safe. Then I closed my eyes and wrote my name on the fogged glass. Natalie. I never understood that either. But every time it rained, it had to be done.

Other than the sound of the storm, it was silent. It was broken quickly, by a whimpering sound. I smiled as I climbed out of bed and onto the floor by my bed. “Chloe,” I whispered. “Chloe, come out pretty girl. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Come here pretty girl.”

Slowly, my baby pit bull crawled on from under my bed. I petted her nose and in swift move gathered her in my arms. Her fur was a dark chocolate color, except a white strip on her nose and belly. I sat back down on my bed and wrapped my comforted around us both. Chloe whined and snuggled in closer to me. “Shush, pretty girl,” I said stroking her along her head and back. “everything’s going to be alright.” l laid down and continued stroking Chloe. A yawn slipped threw my lips as I began falling asleep. No one would ever know how happy I am to sleep in my own bed. To sleep though the night without my father kidnapping me and forcing to me to play the rule of my mother in his bed. He never came to me on nights like this. I was safe tonight and that was all because of the rain and lightening.

And two other things I have to point out:

I smiled as I climbed out of bed and onto the floor by my bed.

The word 'bed' in this passage is overused. You could go without one of them in this sentence. I suggest writing it like, "I smiled as I climbed out of bed and onto the floor." We'll still know that she's next to her bed.

“Chloe,” I whispered. “Chloe, come out pretty girl. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Come here pretty girl.”

I hate this so much. As I was reading it, the first time before I knew that it was about how her father molested her, I thought that she was calling a little girl from under her bed. It creeped me out so much. I would suggest rephrasing it. It seems like she's not very innocent. It sounds like something her father would say to her to get her out from under the bed.

Overall this was haunting. I could never write something like this. It pains me so. But I like how it was written, and I liked the story. I liked how you kept it a secret with subtle hints.

Keep writing,

Classy