[September Contest] Alone in the Crowd

Walking down forty-second street
There are a thousand, thousand feet;
All of them marching to the beat
Of all the business of the day.

I find I’m floating ‘gainst the flow
Of all these people I don’t know,
Collecting frowns from them as though
It’s me who’s getting in their way.

From every corner there come cries
To buy a hot dog, buy these pies.
Not far ahead a pigeon flies;
More confident than I can be.

I’m lost and smothered in this crowd
This faceless mass – this face in shroud
And I could almost shout aloud
Just to make someone speak to me.

Well, I won't be lost in this throng,
Won't change myself just to belong.
Decision made - I'll hold it strong:
Being myself will set me free.

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My short story for the contest is called People Watching and can be found here: post764052.html#p764052

Hey Pigeon!

First of all, I would totally rearrange your poem to look like this!

Walking down forty-second street
There are a thousand, thousand feet;
All of them marching to the beat
Of all the business of the day.

From every corner there come cries
To buy a hot dog, buy these pies.
Not far ahead a pigeon flies;
More confident than I can be.

I find I’m floating ‘gainst the flow
Of all these people I don’t know,
Collecting frowns from them as though
It’s me who’s getting in their way.

From every corner there come cries
To buy a hot dog, buy these pies.
Not far ahead a pigeon flies;
More confident than I can be.

I’m lost and smothered in this crowd
This faceless mass – this face in shroud
And I could almost shout aloud
Just to make someone speak to me.

Don’t lose yourself into the throng,
I promise smiling isn’t wrong.
Each of us has a unique song
To sing, so raise your voice clearly.

It seems to flow better that way.

Also! I think the last stanza seems a little bit preachy now. So! What you might considering doing is either put another stanza in to collect the ideas of your previous stanzas and make it a kind of segway into the last stanza (which will make it seem less preachy) or you can see if you can tame it down and make it less preachy. In any case, playing with the poem should be fun.

Good luck!

Hmm, I'll see if I can rearrange it without stuffing the rhymes at the end of each verse.
I thought the last verse was preachy too! I'll try to change it a bit. I wanted to have another verse in between like you suggested, but then it would be too long for the contest.
Anyway, thanks for the critique! I'll see what I can do

I really enjoyed this poem, the rhyming didn't sound forced until the last stanza.

Don’t lose yourself into the throng,
I promise smiling isn’t wrong.
Each of us has a unique song
To sing, so raise your voice clearly.

I think the poem would be better off without the last stanza - or you could write something that sounded less... as Snoink said, "preachy".

The only other thing I picked up on was this:

I’m lost and smothered in this crowd
This faceless mass – this face in shroud

"This faceless mass" means mass of people with no distinguishing faces, right? Then you go on to say that this mass that doesn't have a face, has a face that is shrouded. I don't know how you'd be able to fix it without ruining the fantastic rhyming you've got going, but that line is a bit of a contradiction. Maybe, "A featureless mass, their faces shroud".

Nice poem, sad message.

- Jai

Thanks seeminglymeaningless!
Mmmh, I going to work on changing that last stanza now, it's really annoying me!
I did realize that the 'faceless mass' line didn't make sense, but I kind of like it like that It's sort of supposed to be a quick flow of changing ideas and I like the feel of it
Anyways, thanks for the advice!