The Roller Coaster

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AN: Taken from a prompt about the protagonist overcoming a fear. This is also a companion story to Annie. Enjoy!

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Lisa had never liked roller coasters. In fact, she was terrified of them. It had been so since before she could remember. When she was ten years old and her family had visited an amusement park together, she mustered up the courage and went on one with her older brother, Sam. It had been awful—she’d been incredibly scared, and afterward had vomited. They had to leave the park early because of it, and Lisa had made herself a vow to stay away from roller coasters
Yet, seven years later, she found herself waiting in line for one with her best friend Annie. They were taking a trip to Six Flags for physics class. Lisa had wanted to skip it—the trip was optional, after all—but she finally caved in after urging from both Annie and her mother.
‘The whole class is going to go,’ Annie had said, ‘It won’t be nearly as much fun without my best friend there.’
‘Come on, you’ve been cooped up in school for too long. It will be fun, and you’ll still get to learn.’
So Lisa went. Six Flags is big, she thought. There are plenty of things there to do besides roller coasters. Besides, Annie will probably be with Thomas most of the time. She’d lasted about an hour, buying food from stands and playing the various games where you could win giant stuffed animals and pay for a certain number of tries. She’d taken a break for a sprite when Annie had found her.
‘Hi!’
‘Hey,’ Lisa said nervously.
‘I’ve been looking for you for a while,’ said Annie, ‘Thomas didn’t want to go on Superman with me. I finally convinced him to go. He said he liked it, but that he’d had enough. I’ve only been on that one today, but I don’t really want to do any by myself.’
‘Listen—’
Annie sighed. ‘Please, Lisa? It won’t be that bad, I promise. And we can go on one that isn’t so intense at first. It will be so much fun.’
‘Annie, did I tell you about what happened when I was ten?’
‘That was seven years ago, and on a roller coaster that’s at a completely different park,’ Annie said, ‘Please. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to go any more. Please try?’
‘Oh, alright.’
They’d chosen a roller coaster that was called The Bear. It looked fairly tame compared to everything else in the park. Still, the line was of fair length. They’d been waiting for about fifteen minutes now, and through each second of bit Lisa could feel herself staring up at the coaster and shaking.
Annie had a look of worry on her face. ‘Are you alright? I’m sorry if—we don’t have to go on this if you don’t want to.’
‘No,’ said Lisa. ‘We’re almost there anyway.’
Annie simply nodded.

To get into the carts, they had to walk up a flight of stairs and go into a small wooden room that was supposed to look old and run down. I can’t believe I’m doing this, Lisa thought.
They took their seats in one of the middle cars. Once everyone had gotten situated, an employee came around to check and secure safety belts. Lisa kept her grip tightly against the steel bar that hung in front of them; so much so that she felt like she might shatter it. Then, they were off. They went slowly at first, slowly upward. They went up and up until they finally hung in the air for a second or two. Lisa could see the drop. Her eyes were widening. It had to be at close to a ninety degree angle, if not that. Annie turned and smiled, and they were down. Lisa felt like her stomach was about to explode and that all the feeling had been sucked from her face. She was screaming. It felt like they would never stop, like they would keep falling downward into the center of the universe. But they were finally level, but not for long. They spiraled upward so fast that her surroundings began to blur. Then they were shooting downward again.
That was when Lisa realized something incredible; she was smiling. Then she began to laugh. This is fun, Lisa told herself, this is fun!
She freed her hands from the bar and shot them up into the air, continuing to smile and laugh. They came to a stop too soon.

As they were walking away, Annie, with one eyebrow raised, asked, ‘Do you want to go again?’
‘Totally.’

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hey Elinor! You decided to grace me with one of your reviews, so I shall do the same!

I really liked this story, partly because it was so well done and partly because I could totally relate! I was terrified of roller coasters when I was younger, but lately I have begun to enjoy myself whenever I ride on one. There were some nitpicks that I could point out, but I'm going to go over different things this time. So here's what I liked about the story.

Lisa had never liked roller coasters.


I loved this first sentence. It tells the readers the general idea of the story, so they have a chance to figure out whether or not they want to continue. Also, it introduced the character and allowed me to begin creating an image in my head.

Something I noticed about the piece is that, in my opinion, it isn't the type of story that is supposed to be tugging at your heart. Like, for me it didn't really make me feel intense emotion about anything for anything. Though I did smile at the end when she began to feel excited and stuff, because that was pretty much my reaction when I rode a roller coaster a few years ago after going for about half a decade without riding one.

Then, they were off. They went slowly at first, slowly upward. They went up and up until they finally hung in the air for a second or two. Lisa could see the drop. Her eyes were widening. It had to be at close to a ninety degree angle, if not that. Annie turned and smiled, and they were down.


I'm not sure whether or not others would share my opinion in this, but I think that listing each action in a short sentence really worked for you here. It adds to the excitement and tension of the moment. I was thinking, "Is she going to like it? Is she going to chuck it? Will she end up falling off when they are going upside down?" It provoked excitement and anticipation for what was going to happen, not strongly, but enough for me to get into it.

Well this isn't the type of review I usually give, but I really enjoyed this!

Have a good one!
-HP
"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."


Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.




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I love, love, love it! Even though I barely know Lisa, I can't help but feel incredibly happy for her. I think that everyone has had an experience where they are afraid of something due to a childhood incidence and have to muster all of their courage in order conquer their fears. Good for Lisa for being able to do it! Good for you for writing it so well!
I did notice a couple of errors however.
I think that Lisa should have a lot of memories of her before she was ten. So the phrase "[Lisa hated roller coasters] ever since she could remember" is technically incorrect. There was a time when Lisa had no feelings towards roller coasters and she probably can remember it.
The phrase "Lisa had made herself a vow" should probably read something like "Lisa had made a vow". Also, that sentence should end with a period. I know you know that, but just so that you are aware of the type-o...
I really like the part when you quote what Annie and the Mother said to get Lisa to go to Six Flags. It shows the reader instead of just telling, always a good thing!
The phrase "Six Flags is big" should be put in quotes since it is exactly what Lisa thought.
Sometimes you slip into super past tense, (sorry I don't know what it's technically called) when you are telling the part of the story about Lisa's second encounter with roller coasters. I think that it should only be written in basic past, (still not the right term, I know), since it isn't a memory anymore. For example the phrase "They'd chosen a roller coaster..." should simply read "They chose a roller coaster". This mistake repeats itself several times, so watch out for it!
Finally, you occasionally slip in phrases that remind me of old English such as "yet" or "the line was of fair length". Try to stick to modern terms, it'll keep the narrative voice more consistent.
Great job over all though. I really enjoyed reading it!




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'Ello! Here as promised!
Corrections and the sort are in #FF0000 ">red!
All of the stuff I thought was epic is in purple!
And my own comments are in bold!

Elinor Brynn wrote:
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Elinor Brynn wrote: They had to leave the park early because of it, and Lisa had made herself a vow to stay away from roller coasters#FF0000 ">.
Yet, seven years later, she found herself waiting in line for one with her best friend Annie. They were taking a trip to Six Flags for physics class. Lisa had wanted to skip it—the trip was optional, after all—but she finally caved in after urging from both Annie and her mother.


I liked this...it was a good sentence, but I guess that that has nothing to do with it. xD It reminded me of my friends trying to force me into going skiing in grade 6. You did forget a period though. ;)



Elinor BrynnTo wrote: get into the carts, they had to walk up a flight of stairs and go into a small wooden room that was supposed to look old and run down. #FF0000 "> I can’t believe I’m doing this, Lisa thought.


Usually thoughts are in italics. I always forget to put mine in italics though...sooo....>.>


Elinor Brynn wrote: That was when Lisa realized something incredible; she was smiling. Then she began to laugh. This is fun, Lisa told herself, this is fun!


Italics! =D This makes me happy. xD

Alright, so I'm sad now. I didn't get to nitpick much! D=
I suppose that that's actually a good thing, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's a good thing. I'm sure of it.
I really liked this piece, it was cute and reminds me of my own fear of giant rollercoasters. (The little ones are fine by me, but the big ones...baaaagh.) It has inspired me to try the big one next time I go to the amusement park.

Like I said before, there was pretty much nothing wrong with this piece that I caught, with the acception of missing a period and some italics.

Wonderful job, thanks for the read! Signing off!

Peace!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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Oops! Forgive the delay. ;) Here as requested.

Quick typo:

It had to be at close to a ninety degree angle, if not that.


So, er, I'm a bit biased against this in the beginning just because it's fluffy and cute. xD Which is definitely fine, in and of itself, but it boils down to reader's preference, and I personally love me some turmoil. I like stories with high stakes and evocative atmospheres, twisted characters and convoluted plot-lines.

The thing I didn't like about this was that it was barely a story. You have a girl with a perfectly rational fear of roller coasters who goes to a theme park and, after seven years of living in terror of them, spontaneously decides that it can't be that bad and to go ahead and ride one. Then she's screaming bloody murder and it feels like her face has been wiped off-- but wait! She's smiling! It's...fun! It all seems very contrived and cotton-candy-ish. What exactly happens here? A one-dimensional character easily changes her mind. Why was she so terrified of roller coasters in the first place? You say she "mustered up the courage" when she was ten, signifying that she was already scared by then. What convinces her to shed a life-long fear on a whim? Is it a special friendship with Annie? A dare? A New Year's Resolution?

Basically, while I liked the clear simplicity of the prose, it was too simple for me. No metaphors, no similes, no description, no character development, no plot depth. So, I think this makes a good practice piece of writing, and I'm glad you wrote it! :) But unless you can significantly spruce up the language and story so that something interesting happens, I'm not sure what else you can do with this.

Anyway, keep writing! I feel like you're just on the brink of a really wonderful story, Elinor. PM me for anything, as always.

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.



I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical