Fallen Idol

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I gave you my heart,
Knowing you would break it.
Hoping that,
While it was still intact,
It would be in the hands
Of someone worthy.
But in the end
You denied me even that.

I don’t blame you -
It’s not your fault,
You didn’t know
What you’d been given.

But now,
I can never make the same mistake;
Now I don’t have a heart to give away
Because you never gave it back.
Last edited by Pigeon on Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reader, what are you doing?





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I like this but I also think that you write more, the end just doesn't seem like the end...

Now I don’t have a heart to give away


That is the only mistake I found, but I also think that if you added punctuation to this it would make it easier to read...

Hope this helps,

~Rain~
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Theres always a rainbow after the Rain!!!!!!!




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Hero here, hear Hero!

I think this was rather nice. Let me say that it's quite hard to review bad poetry, contrary to belief, or at least in my opinion. I felt that your poem was rather good especially because it revolved around a single concept of still loving somebody that's broken up with you. So well done. However, with that said I didn't feel a build up to the lines that summed up the poem - Now I don’t have a heart to give away / Because you never gave it back - and while I understand that this was not a narrative or an epic, the kind of build up I want is more emotive.

Best thing you can do is get some attitude. Have you heard "Gives you Hell" by the All-American Rejects. It's basically a dumping song but instead of, "Honey, I miss you so much..." it's all "When you see my face hope it..."
Or "Take a Bow" by Rihanna? And yeah, you pretty much punched my lights out with attitude when you said,

I don't blame you
It’s not your fault
You didn’t know
What you’d been given


So, get that heart-retching pain in the first stanza. Then turn it around with your second, I don't care stanza. You know, like, "Wow, this girl really doesn't give a care what this guy thinks. Awesome." and then deliver just as you already have in the third stanza. "It still hurts." You know? "You never gave it back..." And then rename the poem because yeah... I don't think that the title fits the expectations created by your poem. I realize that, because of the title, you were meant to be saying that you expected this guy to be something different but to be honest, that's over done and clichéd. I think somewhere deep inside, the poem really contains a lot of attitude that you should definitely PM to all the guys on YWS on Valentine's Day :D

So, *LIKED* for the inherent talent you possess and my warped idea of the poem :D .

Thanks for the great read, Pigeon. Bye now!

Hero was here. Here was Hero!




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Points 3817
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First off, this is a good poem. I like it, though adding some punctuation would make it far more easier to read and also make some of the lines clearer and more emphasized. The first stanza is a lot longer than the other two, and I feel like you don't need all the words you have there to make your point. The second stanza is shorter and to the point, but not too short.

But now
I can never make the same mistake
Now I don’t have a heart to give away
Because you never gave it back

This is a good ending and I really like it. Especially the last line.

Good work and keep writing!
Do we not all agree to call rapid thought and noble impulse by the name of inspiration?
- George Eliot


"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."



“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester