An exercise in line breaks- tell me what you think

Momentum

I’ve laced my shoes and slouched my socks
And hit the pavement,
Jogging.
I’m not warmed up; I’m not prepared,
And yet I’ve started
Running.
I’ve reached the crest; it’s all downhill,
And now I’ve started
Panting.
My throat is dry; my lungs feel wet,
I cannot stop this
Gasping.
My muscles scream, my heart’s one beat,
I cannot stop this
Racing.
I cannot slow
The path will
Turn
And I will loose my footing.
I cannot
Jump
The ground will
Fly
Rushing
Up to meet me.
I cannot stop
Or I will
Fall, be
Swallowed
By the pavement,
I’ll wallow
In my failure
And loose all my momentum.

The first part is awesome! But then the last couple of lines seem to lose the attractiveness of the former lines. Although you are losing momentum... Hmmm...

I liked how you put jogging, running, panting, etc. on the next line. It is visually pleasing to me. And about the end there too, I don't know it you did that purposely but how it broke away from the original format, while in the poem you're losing momentum... interesting but I think it would be better if you kept it with the same format. I don't know, that's just me.

I loved the first part. The line breaks and the rhythm are awesome. I think the last part is cool, it does lose momentum but it fits because that's what the poem's about. I think it might fit a bit better if you changed

Fall, be
Swallowed

to

Fall,
Be swallowed

cause then it would go with the rhythm of the rest of the poem. Just me though...

I really liked this.

I love this! The rhythm reminds me of Tiddly Pom in Pooh Bear (I havent the foggiest idea why). It makes me laugh and its incredibly effective at building a visual picture in my head. For some reason it makes me feel warm fuzzies. Kudos!

Just a thought - shouldnt it be "exercise"?

The entire poem reminded me of something I would find in the Young-Adult section of the library. No problem with this, of course but personally, I am really tired of this kind of poetry. I have read so much of it in the pass two years it's unbearable.

But you did seem to pull-off a slightly complicated subject even though you lost your momentum towards the end, as Snoink said.

I agree this poem is stronger at the beginning than at the end, but I don't know what I would change. I like how it is about jogging, or at least is using jogging to represent a loss of momentum in some other area. It is much more interesting than "I've lost my motivation to live" or any of that other direct melodramatic crap you see so much of. A fun read.

Yes, you definitely handled the line breaks well - it certainly added to the rhythmic nature of the poem. The way I perceived the poem, it had a strong rhythm, which is good due to the subject of the poem being running. (What a badly written sentance - I do hope you get the point.) The poem is, of course, stronger in the beginning, but I did not think that the ending was, in a sense, a let-down. It was very well-written. Congrats.
I USED A SMILE! I NEVER USE THOSE!

The ending doesn't seem to keep up with the same momentum of the beginning of the poem, but i think that's perfect with the poem, considering the last line and all. It's like the speaker literally slows down and loses momentum. I thought this was very good.

But I agree with BlackDaisy, change those two lines and you have a winner on your hands! =)

i found it good the way you would write sentences then write one word, it makes the reader pause and think about the previous line. The end lines were a bit weak though but still very good.