Trust~Proluge

Walking home from school, 3rd grader, Crystal was on Meadow Brick Road, a long rocky road that leads to a big manion that's about 100 years old. When Crystal walked up to her front door, duh knew something was wrong. She threw open the door and only saw havoc. What looked like a young teenage male held a gun to her mother, and her father was tied up, with new-looking rope, to a chair.

"Run!" Yelled her father, with pain in his eyes.

"Get out of here!" Shouted her mother at the same time as the high-school boy sprinted to her.

She tried to run past him, but he tackled her to the hard wooden floor.

"No!" Both of her parents screamed.

The teenage boy bounded her to the front door.And as Crystal started to scream, he shoved a gag in her mouth."I'm so sorry, but I-i-i-i mean We need the money." Crystal began to sob. Her parents were pleading for him to stop and that they would pay him anything he wanted.

"No!" A dark, chilled voice came from the stairway that led to the second floor. "This isnt about the money." Crystal noticed something unreal about the middle-aged man.

"Ah, this little one found out.something about us,"the creepy unsaid, amused. "What do you see, little one?" He took the gag out of her mouth."

When he did,she whispered,"your eyes are crimson and really ancient-looking."

The guy laughed, it wasn't a gentle laugh, but a cruel one at that," let me show you what I am..." He lend toward Crystals neck...

Hey jolene!

This is a pretty interesting beginning! Lots of action, lots of intense moments... I like it! Now, the main thing that you're going to want to fix in this draft is the pacing... you're going too fast! You need to slow down a bit, otherwise, you won't catch us in the suspense! So make us get to know the characters, lead us into the scene, and slow everything down. It'll be that much better, honest.

Also, clear up some of the grammar. Right now, it feels like you had this awesome idea and you just wrote whatever you had in your head. Which is awesome! You are very creative. But you'll want to look over and revise your work before posting, just so you're sure there isn't a silly typo or annoying grammar mistake.

Good luck with editing!

Hi Jolene. Welcome to YWS and I guess this is your new post. As Snoink said this seemed like you got this fabulous idea and just put it down on paper without taking look at the sentence construction, spaces and commas. I couldn't picture anything and it seemed like you're just narrating a story with no feel in ti and no fun. You need to spice up a bit. Also, try to use more description and different words rather than simple ones. Open a dictionary and read words, if you think a word can be fitted into your story, write it down on a paper. Best of luck with it! Keep writing!

Walking home from school, 3rd grader, Crystal was on Meadow Brick Rd., a long rocky road that leads to a big manion Is it supposed to be mansion? that's about 100 years old. When Crystal walked up to her front door, duhThere should be something else here knew something was wrong. She threw open the door and only saw havoc. What looked like a young teenage male held a gun to her mother, and her father was tied up, with new-looking fresh rope, to a chair.
"Run!" Yelled her father, with pain in his eyes.
"Get out of here!" Shouted her mother at the same time as the high-school boy sprinted to her.
She tried to run past him, but he tackled her to the hard wooden floor.
"No!" Both of her parents screamed.
The teenage boy bounded her to the front door.And as Crystal started to scream, he shoved a gag in her mouth."I'm so sorry, but I-i-i-i mean we need the money." Crystal began to sob. Her parents were pleading for him to stop and that they would pay him anything he wanted.
"No!" A dark, chilled voice came from the stairway that led to the second floor said. "This isnt about the money." Crystal noticed something unreal about the middle-aged man.
"Ah, this little one found out.no fullstop needed something about us,"space here the creepy unsaid, amused. "What do you see, little one?" He took the gag out of her mouth."
When he did,space here she whispered,"your eyes are crimson and really ancient-looking."
The guy laughed, it wasn't a gentle laugh, but a cruel one at that," let me show you what I am..." He lend toward Crystals neck...

PM me when you've more. Signing off till now!

Hi!

So, so far, I agree with everything Snoink and shubhi have said so far, but I just wanted to add something to that. If you think grammar isn't really much, and it's kind of there, it's actually a real major part of your story! If you have bad grammar, your reader is going to focus on that and not the story, however compelling it may be. So it's really important to look over! I've found that reading aloud really helps you catch a lot of the silly mistakes.

Another thing I wanted to comment on is the title. Do you have a title for this story? Titles can be really hard to create, and as such a lot of authors come up with them when they're all finished. However, when you post it on YWS, you should at least have something; a working title that doesn't have to turn out to be the one you use when you end up publishing it. If you have a suitable title that's not just 'my story', you'll get a lot more reviews, too, since titles are what draws us in.

Okay, onto the story! I thought that it was a little rushed, like you wanted to get this finished as fast as possible. We know so little about Crystal that we don't really care when she's turned into a vampire. I wrote a vampire story when I was new on this site. And it sucked. Antigone Cadmus gave me some really good advice about my prologue, where the main character became a vampire.

Try to make this original. Or make the vampire attack more interesting. Have you read Anne Rice or Bram Stoker? They have amazing vampire novels. The way the describe attacks is superb. One reason for this is because I actually care about these author's characters. But yours... not so much.

I couldn't have said it better, to tell you the truth. Also, to me, Crystal seems a little young. Third grade is like, eight or nine years old. Do you really want her to be that young throughout the course of the story? Also, I don't get any sense of fear from her. Right now there's hardly any description, just telling. Does Crystal try to run or fight back?

Right now, I like the start you've given this piece! It's just got unnecessary bulk to it right now, and it's disjointed. I also would like to know a little bit more about her parents and what they were like. Also, I can somewhat assume that they died, but that's never really clear, so you might want to expand on that a little more.

Anyway, welcome to YWS, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions, or when you post a new installment in this story.

-Elinor xo

I thought it was good as the other readers said and I agree with them. You should try to slow your pace down a bit.Also try to use more description. Other that that the other com mentors said it all. Best of luck and have fun writing!

Hey jolene

I'm not going to mention any nit-picks. Any nit-picks that I would have mentioned have already been mentioned by other reviewers. You especially got a good one from Elinor! So yeah, I'm skipping the nit-picks for now

I have to agree with the other reviewers; the pacing of this story is definitely too fast! There's no time for suspense because you've rushed things. It would be an awful lot more effective if you slowed things down. Remember, slow and steady wins the race! We need to get to know the characters better, feel what they feel. We need to get a good grasp of the plot so that we get sucked into the story itself.

What I also have to agree on is the grammar of this piece. Other reviewers have said this and I agree; the grammar is a bit all over the place. Without correct grammar, stories become annoying and awkward to read. It also effects the flow of your story, which makes me sad. The flow of a story is a lot more important than most people seem to think! I used to have trouble with creating a nice flow in my writing, but now I'm confident in doing so. Practice makes perfect!

I haven't really got much else to say, to be honest. Everyone seems to have beaten me to it! There are a few negative things about this, but what I really like is the beginning of your story! It drew me in and it definitely made me eager to read more. If you could make the rest of the story as good as the beginning, it would be seriously great!

All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have suggested and try polishing this up a bit! I'm sorry that this was kind of short, everyone else pretty much covered everything.

If you want another review, just ask me in my Will Review For Food thread.

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins

Hey! I thank you, but I forgot to put that the story actually begins about 200 years before what the whole story takes place...and after the 4 chapter..something happens with the guy she likes and she has a HUGE flashback...she has pictures of herself as a child...and journal...
Thankz!!

Hey. I do agree with what the others have said. It needs to flow smoothly. The grammar is one of the big things for me.

I have written a few stories before, (I haven't posted any though.) and I have found that when writing stories like this, it is easier to write them in present tense. You don't have to, and it may not fit, but even if what your writing is in the past, you can still write it in present tense, as long as the reader knows at some point, (not always right away) that it has already happened.

If what I said doesn't make sense, or you need help with anything, feel free to PM me.

I thought this was a great idea, but a bit to quickly said. There are parts which aren't entirely clear but otherwise it was great and I wanted to read on.

I thought this was really good. It pulled me in the moment I started reading it. I really want to know what happens next! Please PM? Thanks(:

-Pshhxhoney

Hey Jolene.

As promised, here I am. Well, I think I have reviewed it earlier but the method of my reviewing has changed a bit, and I still find some mistakes which you need to fix hem or else it would look pretty bad.

Walking home from school, 3rd grader, Crystal was on Meadow Brick Rd., a long rocky road that leads to a big manion that's about 100 years old.

Well there is not one but two mistakes here. Firstly there can never be two punctuations together, so change the Rd. and write it's full spelling. Abbreviation look good only if they are in a dialog or a note, etc. But when you narrate the story, try to use the full forms as much as possible, and here Road is a small word so I think it won't be a problem writing it.

Secondly, I think I have mentioned it earlier too that you need to write mansion. Correct me if I am wrong.
And also 100 which is the number of tears should be spelt. Like: hundred.

"Run!" Yelled her father, with pain in his eyes

.You wrote big 'I'.

The teenage boy bounded her to the front door.And as Crystal started to scream, he shoved a gag in her mouth.

First of all there is no spacing after the first sentence gets over, and secondly you never use a word with 'and' as it's a conjunction.

So, I have reviewed this earlier also but you haven't made the corrections. So I just hope this time my efforts are not in vain.
Secondly the spelling for prologue is wrong. It is: PROLOGUE(lOl, I wrote it earlier too. )

Now, onto a detailed review.
I read the synopsis you provided for it and I really think that this idea you have is quite intriguing and this can be turned into a very great novel. Right now the synopsis was a bit confusing for me, but then it just might be me, and I would let my thinking wander and find out in the next chapter where it is headed for.

I think the grammar was quite weak and you should listen to Elinor and Skins carefully, so that your forthcoming chapters are good. the major problem I had with this was that it was moving so quickly. When Crystal discovers that her parents have been held hostage, there should have been more emotions. Also, you told away the hostage part so soon. Like when she was coming home you could have described her mansion, or tell how she was feeling, what the environment looked around her. You know small things as such can make a huge impact on the reader.

This just seemed like you were wanting to complete it as soon as possible.

I won't comment much because whatever I would have said has already been said earlier. Thanks for letting me know that you wanted a review as I wanted something to review. Sounds rhythmic?

~Shubhi