Tonight

Tonight we will dance in lazy pirouettes
Atop the roofs of victorian houses,
Hold our heads high to the pearly moon,
Scream our wishes, our dreams, hopes into the sky
For safekeeping among the stars

Then feast on sugar-coated delicacies: creamy, fruity,
Lick our fingers and savour the taste on our tongues
Tonight we will sing with voices so beautiful,
Sing to no one, to anyone, to the world,
Be anyone, be nobody, be ourselves

We'll watch the stars glimmer over the moon-kissed land,
Be the king and queen of these majestic kingdoms
Turn on the lights in the lonely towns,
Arouse the broken and ungrateful,
Brush them off and teach them to live

Then sprint along the never-ending shore,
Barefoot, race the tide up and down the sand,
Or laugh and laugh and laugh and cry
Tuck the rains away if skies turn grey,
Let mighty Thor rest his hands tonight

For tomorrow brings surprises,
Sorrow, confusion, dejection, depression,
For tomorrow brings surprises,
Pain, loss, heartbreak, anger,
Tonight we will dance on the rooftops

We'll keep the innocence safe and sound,
Tonight as we dance on the rooftops of victorian houses,
We will dance on the rooftops under the clouds.

This is the best poem by far I have read so far on this entire site. I have absolutely no corrections to suggest.

ace1996 wrote:I wrote this poem in remembrance of a friend. He died in a car crash when he was six years old.

Tonight we will dance in lazy pirouettes So you're spinning slowly? How does that go with dancing? Or can you describe a pirouette to me more so?
Atop the roofs of victorian houses,
Hold our heads high to the pearly moon,
Scream our wishes, our dreams, hopes into the sky
For safekeeping among the stars

Then feast on sugar-coated delicacies: creamy, fruity,
Lick our fingers and savour the taste on our tongues
Tonight we will sing with voices so beautiful,
Sing to no one, to anyone, to the world, You might want to drop the odd one out. That would be to no one, and the nobody.
Be anyone, be nobody, be ourselves

We'll watch the stars glimmer over the moon-kissed land,
Be the king and queen of these majestic kingdoms
Turn on the lights in the lonely towns,
Arouse the broken and ungrateful,
Brush them off and teach them to live Okay your last two lines, I have no idea what that really means? You're going to gather all the "damaged" people then get read of them and teach them how to live? Could you explain that, please?

Then sprint along the never-ending shore,
Barefoot, race the tide up and down the sand,
Or laugh and laugh and laugh and cry
Tuck the rain back into the skies, okay, this doesn't go with the rest of the stanza, you may want to let it connect and things.
Let mighty Thor rest his hands tonight same as above

For tomorrow brings surprises,
Sorrow, confusion, frustration, depression,
For tomorrow brings surprises,
Pain, loss, heartbreak, anger, isn't frustration a type of anger? That seems a little redundant. I guess.
Tonight we will dance on the rooftops

We'll keep the innocent safe and sound,
Tonight as we dance on the rooftops under the clouds,
We will dance on the rooftops under the clouds.

I liked the ending, pretty nice. And forgive me if I am wrong about most of this, it's 2am, I'll ran back over this in the morning and see if I need to make any corrections.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Hey Ace!

You have a pretty cute database of imagery to use, clearly - things like 'safekeeping among the stars,' 'tuck the rain back into the stars,' 'pearly moon' made it a delight to read. I wonder, however, if you tend to overdo this at times - why all this pretty imagery? It's a memory-poem of the friend, right? Nowhere do I get this sense that it's important, that it's addressed to someone, to someone who died moreover. It doesn't feel deep. It feels very light, fluttery almost - all this happy dancing with the fairies business just detracts from whatever effect you were hoping to achieve. I feel like it could do with a bit less fluffiness. Have another look at your stanzas - sugar coated delicacies, dreams, dancing, kingdoms, racing along shores...all of these indicate to me a very cheery outlook on life; almost ridiculously cheery, if that makes sense. It seems surreal, like some kind of fairy tale world the kids are living in. This abstraction, coupled with the fact that I do not get to know the main characters in the slightest (you use 'we' all the time), means that I feel very distant from the writing. It lacks an element of personality, I guess.

Anyway, a cute read nevertheless. Hope that helped!

Hey Ace!

I really liked this poem. It's very luscious in its description and action and it doesn't mind being fantastic -- in the fantasy sense. I also really like the fact that you didn't do a memory poem and instead did a poem about what you would do with your friend, using fantastic imagery. It was really awesome.

Just one thing!

Tonight as we dance on the rooftops under the clouds,
We will dance on the rooftops under the clouds.

I think that the repetition doesn't work here. Try something else!

Nice poem!

Thank you all soo much for the reviews! I just wanna clear up a few things first:
Navita: We, refers to me and my friend. I know that I didn't make that very clear. But I'm not so sure how to. Any ideas? When I was writing the poem, I was trying to portray the childish innocence we had back then. It seemed so unreal that when he left, I didn't believe it. Therefore, the "kind of fairy tale world".
Silented1: Umm you asked me to drop the odd one out. Which one is that? And the line about the broken and ungrateful: basically, the poem is about living life to the fullest, with no worries. In those two lines I was trying to say that "we" would teach them to live that same way. I changed "frustration" to "dejection". Does that work?
Thank you again
Ace

Hey ace! It's me, here to try to review your poem! ^^

I loved the nice flow to this poem.

ace1996 wrote:Turn on the lights in the lonely towns,
Arouse the broken and ungrateful,
Brush them off and teach them to live

I especially like these lines.

In a way I agree with Navita about this poem lacking some personality, and instead being more on the sweet and light side.
But nonetheless, I quite like this! (: This was fun to read, since it was beautifully written.

Did I help? Sorta-kinda-maybe? Hehe, keep on writing!

~KD

Sweet and lovely to say the lest.
I have to tip my hat to you and keep it removed writing this review all in respect for your friend that has passed on.
Great job the flow went well your motive pure!
Nice poem keep writing!
-Dawn