secrets

Hello there!

Here to review.

pencilgirl wrote:There are many things in this world that are unknown to many and so they are named the term secrets. (#FF0000 ">Your starting line isn't really interesting, and it should be. I mean you don't have to make a one long sentence to define secrets.)Secrets are those words that you say to the most faithful person you know, meaning trust. If you trust that person very strongly he may underestimate his secret keeping skills but if your faith is strong there is no power in the world that can take the words from him. (#FF0000 ">A huge part of this is quite incomprehensible. I mean you switch words like 'faith' and 'trust'. Sure thing, that we need it but what is really your point and what with the power?)[/color]'There are such secrets that are the most unknown things man can ever dream of hearing. They are hidden in such dark places that we can say we are blind to those words. Some people rather trust journals rather than humans. They keep these journals locked away for thousands of years and when they are discovered they are admired if written well for example Anne Frank (a diary of a young girl). #FF0000 ">(Um... it's actually unnecessary to bold this. By the way, I'm very fond of Anne frank.


There are many types of secrets like gossip secrets. #FF0000 ">(I think gossips are 'rumors', not secrets, technically. And because rumors can be passed on to someone,. because everyday it happens and we can help it, it's not a secret. Secrets are truth while rumors can be truth or a lie)They are shared among teenagers that soon spread it out and they no longer have the term secrets labeled to them, instead gossip. #FF0000 ">(Teenagers only? No, it counts to all of us)
The next #FF0000 ">type of secrets are ‘mind secrets’. People that are gifted with a brilliant mind keep their thoughts very carefully in their minds just #FF0000 "> in case anyone would steal it. #FF0000 ">(How would someone steal something coming from their mind?)The final type is dark secrets. They are not to be shared among many, especially the innocent. There are many dark secrets in the world about various things and if revealed may result dangerously. We also have a dark secret maybe a mild one or maybe something extremely odd. What’s your#FF0000 ">s?

Warning: (Please don't get discourage, this are just either nitpicks, comments, but this doesn't contain violent reactions, okay?)

First off, I think you might want to place this under 'Other' forums because this is technically not a general fiction story. Second, I don't get the point of this, it's because I think this is way short and you missed to place here some important informations. Confusion bothers my head.

Sure, you talk about secrets but how you place awkward matter such as the types of secrets are kind of a bit confusing and really, it doesn't attract well the readers to read the whole piece. I would like you to reword this or try reading this aloud. In that way, you'll understand the things I'm blabbering about here.

Third, let's go to the good things. Your spellings are good and your tenses are quite good too. Though for your grammars, I see it as an 'okay' score but I'll prefer that you need to check every line here. It's because I don't understand some of the paragraphs here.

Fourth, I want to encourage you to improve on this. I would be harsh, I don't see any potential that this would be good #FF0000 ">but if you only improve this by putting off some awkward sentences and perhaps, really place here your point then I think this will turn good. PM me for questions. (I'm expecting that)

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

To start off with I don't like starting a review with the bad things but for this I think i should. First I think the beginning sentence could be reworded, or at least shortened. Also in the sentence "Some people rather trust journals rather than humans.", I think you should change the first rather to something else or just get rid of it entirely, it just sounds wrong to me when i read it out loud.

Now onto the good stuff. Well the work itself was interesting to me and was well put. And as Yuriiko has already said the tenses in it were good.

I hope this helps you in the future. Thanks.

Hi pencilgirl, welcome to YWS I'm peanut! I think Yuri hit on a lot of important points. And I agree that this isn't really a short story. I read it like an essay sort of. But it seemed really short. I have a way you can fix this. Last year I wrote an essay about promises, it was kind of the same in the sense that it's easy to explain but you can get to a point where you are repeating yourself about what a secret or promise is. To make it more interesting to the reader and to keep myself from rambling I put in a story. I laid out a story behind the facts so that it would get across my message and wouldn't bore the readers. Also like Yuri said some of the things in here where generalized and said that only a certain group of people, for example, share rumors. Make sure that you include all the groups that spread rumors and such not just one. That way more than one group of readers might be able to relate to this passage.

I'm also not really sure why the first part is in bold. When I read it only the first paragraph was like that but as I review it and look down at where it is at the bottom it is all in bold; I'm not really sure how that happened Overall it was okay, you seemed to know what you were talking about but it was a little rambley and very rushed; I didn't really see a point to it. There wasn't really a lesson or anything I could learn from it. I think it would be good if you expanded on your ideas such as the "mind secrets". I thought that was interesting but I didn't really fully get to understand it because it was so short.

I hope my opinions helped. Good luck!
~peanut~

Hi there!

So, firstly, I commend you on your subject choice. Not the most original, for sure, but one that usually manages to be extremely interesting. The possibilities with this topic are numerous - the stories you can create, the conflict it can cause...

Now, upon reading this, I was rather confused why you put it in short stories. There is no story happening here, it is a tangle of facts that have no seeming background plot. I would be happy to move it into 'other' for you!

Onto the review. I have to say, I'm not sure what you meant by this. I'm going to deviate away from reviewing it as a story, as it really doesn't seem like one to me, and instead look at what you could do to improve the structure you already have.
I really think that, with this, you need to take it back and read it through a few times. It seems rushed to me; the sentences run over each other, there is no apparent structure to the paragraphs you're writing. It looks a little like you just wrote without thinking about it much - that's fine, but it's always best to refine what you've written afterwards. Some sentences don't make too much sense, others don't need to be there.

I'll start with your first line:

There are many things in this world that are unknown to many and so they are named the term secrets.

Just reading this through I feel rushed, harried. The starting sentence is important, and this one doesn't seem all that great to me. You need to make it a little more languorous, spread it out more. You have so much more space to write on then just a few paragraphs - take your time and make each word count, make it all sound great.

Looking at your first paragraph, I see that there are many different points within it. 1) What secrets are. 2) Who you tell secrets to. 3) Dark secrets. 4) Journals. Now, all of those points last only a few lines, yet all of them could easily be expanded to last a lot longer. This would, perhaps, counter the rushed feeling this has and make you work seem a lot more interesting and structured.

I would also, as an afterthought, recommend that you change your tack a little bit with this writing. Why not try to weave a story into it somehow, within the factual writing? This would make it more interesting for the reader and give it a less essay-type feel to it.

Hope I helped! PM me with any questions!

-Amy

pencilgirl wrote:There are many things in this world that are unknown to many and so they are named the term secrets. Secrets are those words that you say to the most faithful person you know, meaning trust. If you trust that person very strongly he may underestimate his secret keeping skills but if your faith is strong there is no power in the world that can take the words from him. There are such secrets that are the most unknown things man can ever dream of hearing. They are hidden in such dark places that we can say we are blind to those words. Some people rather trust journals rather than humans. They keep these journals locked away for thousands of years and when they are discovered they are admired if written well for example Anne Frank (a diary of a young girl).
There are many types of secrets like gossip secrets. They are shared among teenagers that soon spread it out and they no longer have the term secrets labeled to them, instead gossip.
The next types of secrets are ‘mind secrets’. People that are gifted with a brilliant mind keep their thoughts very carefully in their minds just incase anyone would steal it.The final type is dark secrets. They are not to be shared among many, especially the innocent. There are many dark secrets in the world about various things and if revealed may result dangerously. We also have a dark secret maybe a mild one or maybe something extremely odd. What’s your’s?

To be honest, I really didn't like it that much. BUT, everyone else has been saying all the stuff that's bad about it, and I think that what they said pretty much covers it so I'm going to say what's good.
I do agree that this is not really a fantasy short story. Maybe its a prologue? I'm not sure, but its a good idea, none the less. It just needs a little tweaking. There are a million things you could do with this, a million ways you could go. Your tenses are good, and the concept is good. The words themselves are just a little scatterbrained.
PM me with any questions

Ducky

i know how bad it is ducky i wanted you to check out the 4 elements story