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This is nice and I want to know more about Lilla, write more. This is good!

Hi again! Here is your review, as requested.

So, I like that you’ve taken the comments you’v gotten into account, and I definitely think this is better than the first version. However, you may want to start working on the rest of the story before you get bored of it. Sometimes obsessing over the first chapter harms you more than it helps.

Also, quick note: you probably already know this, but it’s better just to edit the existing post and not make a whole new one, since it clutters up the forum. You can always change the title.

On to the review!

“Mika, take her and go,” my wife, Lilla says, handing me our daughter.

“But I can`t leave you. King Jorell is already sending soldiers after you. And what about Zobra?” I protest.

“I already took care of that,” she reassures me. “Our son is safe for now. He has mastered the art of shape shifting and has cleverly disguised himself as a shepherd in a small village. In fact, the whole palace has been evacuated to the hide outs underneath the ground.”

“And what about you?” I, object. A husband protects his wife.”

“True,” she agrees. “However, a man’s children come before his wife. And as Queen of the Alvelvans, it is my duty to stay here and fight for my people.”

When I open my mouth to argue, she continues, “Besides, I `m not helpless like a female mortal.”

“What if we never see each other again?” I say, surprised at how quiet my voice sounds, like that of a frightened child.

A few things here:

a) This is stilted and feels very forced. They are panicked and rushed, right? So why are they arguing in such a matter? The whole thing could/should be much snappier and abrupt. Imagine what you would say in such a situation instead of forcing words into their mouths.
b) This is also an example of “as you know, Bob” dialogue (exposition hiding as dialogue) in which the characters talk about things they already know for the sole purpose of showing the reader what is going on. “As you know, Bob, we’ve been stuck on this island for decades.”
c) Dialogue tags: Be sure not to overuse them. Someone has probably told you to avoid using the word “said” and that is sometimes true, but it is worse to put a tag on every piece of dialogue with random synonyms for “said”. In general, if it is obvious how they are saying something by what they say, just use said or no tag at all. (eg. “she agreed”).

. My strength is reduced to that of a mortal; however, the captain is stronger than the average mortal, even for a veteran.

Confusing. Why are veterans stronger than mortals? Is the king a mortal or not?

She takes of her necklace, and places around our daughter’s neck, a necklace that has been in Lilla`s family for generations.

Should be “off.” Also, the ‘a necklace that has been in’ part is awkward.

Lilla (named in honor of her mother)

I really don’t like parentheses in fiction. I’d incorporate this into the rest of the story. Also, in this bit, why on earth would he teleport to the bridge and not outside the castle?

The captain strides forward until he and I are only inches apart. “If you surrender and give us the girl, you and your wife will be spared. Will you cooperate?” As much as I want my wife to be spared, as she said, our daughter comes first. Besides how would she or I for the matter, ever forgive myself if I allowed them to take our daughter.

“Never,” I reply. His eyes narrow through the slits of his helm, as if he is sneering.

“So be it,” says, drawing his sword. I too draw my sword, a thin, long razor-sharp blade that can easily slice through armor.

His sword stabs at my unprotected chest. At the last moment, I parry the blow. A shower of sparks flies off our swords. I am thrown into a routine that I don’t even have to think of, launch; parry; launch; parry; launch; parry…. It appears as if we are dancing, twisting and turning, our bodies, and jumping out the way to avoid blows. Perhaps this is a dance, a dance of survival.

I think his decision should be a bit slower—after all, he’s basically deciding that his wife is going to die. The bits where it says “it appears as if XX” are really distracting.

My heart sinks with the knowledge that Lilla set the place on fire to win the invasion.

Wait.... no. They are being invaded. Burning your fortress down does not equal winning an invasion. It just doesn’t work that way or make any sense.

And I have another question—why on earth wouldn’t he just beam out of there?

“Where is she? I have reports that an Alvelvan is right here in this village, and not just any Alvelvan, but the Princess.”

Seems rather odd that a) they would only figure that out sixteen years after her birth, and b) that they proclaim this loudly in the market where anyone could here.

First, he gives me the loaf of bread. I tear through the bread, grateful for something to eat, even if it is stale. I then gulp down the water. After finishing the meal, my head feels clearer.

Wait, so that was a dream? Now I’m confused. Maybe (this is just an idea) they follow her all the way back and almost catch her? That way she would have a legitimate excuse for leaving. That would also get rid of the way Jackamal is like “here, have some money and go.” There could also be some suspence if she hid in the barn/could hear them arguing with Cia, perhaps? Anyway, just an idea.

So, overall, I love the story and like the edits you’ve done, but I still feel like this could use a lot of work. What is this kingdom like? What are the holidays, crops, etc? What kind of tools do they have?

Also, characters—I still feel like her step mother/sister could use a lot of work.

Hope I helped! Good luck with revisions and the rest of this story.

See you around! Let me know if you ever need another review.

Hello there!

*lands for a review*

“And what about you?” I, object. #FF0000 ">"A husband protects his wife.”

I bury him in the unused farmland behind my house, but I keep the sword because it is Lilla`s rightful #FF0000 ">inheritance.

Cia says, “Lilla, go to the marketplace and buy more food #FF0000 ">and hurry up.”

Merchants advertise their wares as children run up and down the road as their mother#FF0000 ">s
shop and gossip.

For a while, Jackamal holds me in his arms, as if I #FF0000 ">was his daughter.

I bolt to a sitting position sitting.

I don't like how you placed 'sitting' twice here and I think you should definitely rephrase this.



First off, I just wanted to apologize for the delay. I was just busy due to school works. (Yep, school have just started last week)


Okay, I don't know why you intent to 'Prologue' here because it doesn't seem to be right. What is this a prologue or a chapter? If this is a prologue, then, why is it too long?

Though I say this is one long chapter to read because you kept on switching points of view which kind of confuses me a bit. So, if you ask me, I like the idea behind the story plot, which is good. But how you write it, seems to weaken the storyline, because again, of switching POVs (point of views).


Let's go to the good things. I can see that your spellings are flawless and so with your tenses 'cause you only stick to one. However, there are some awkward sentences, though they're quite understandable, maybe just because of typos or something like that. Also, I salute you for your punctuations, they are clean! As with your grammars, as far as I can see, it's really good.

I like how your descriptions can be a good effect in your story. Emotions are flowing well throughout the story and that's what makes me grab my attention to read it until the end. So keep up on that!

And let's go at the bad things. I have to say this again, the switching of POVs are what makes your story confusing. I mean it's because, it's the first chapter and readers would really be so confused about it. but I really want to say is that you wrote it well and neat but try to stick to less than two POVs, okay?

Overall: I have to say I like this. It's because I can see that this has a good potential to be a very good piece. You applied the 'Show don't Tell' thing and that's really good. PM me for questions.

keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hey I liked the concept.
But don't you think it's very long to be called a prologue

“And what about you?” I, object. " A husband protects his wife.”

“Even if I’m not alive, the memory of me will be. And,” she says, her other free hand resting on my heart, “where ever you go, I `ll always be with you in your heart.”

There was soemthing wrong wiht the apostrophe you put after I for I'll. It had happened once before also in this chapter.

She turns, picks up our daughter and kisses her with such tenderness that can only belong to a mother.

I loved this line!

Besides how would she or I for that matter, ever forgive myself if I allowed them to take our daughter.

Even though the pain is almost unbearable, it is nothing compare#FF0000 ">d to the pain in my heart, Fury fuels me; if I die, so does Lilla , and I’m not gong to allow her to share the same fate as her mother.

I'll review it later, it's very long.

~Shubhi