We are Beautiful~

Lol, I really don't know...I guess this is just like, all my thoughts sort of rolled into some sort of story? Yeah, well. I'm not that bothered about it. Tear it apart, whatever. I won't change it because it isn't that important. Please read and (enjoy?) Thanks

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We are made from the stars, all of us. Joined together in a silver web of invisible creation. We are beautiful, fading delicately as the sun stretches slowly over the new Earth.

Slow burning in my flesh. Under my skin I am on fire, rushes of pounding heat sliding into my arteries. It'll be okay, it'll be okay...it will be forgotten. Ice moves through me, cold and direct. Relief spreading from the bite of the razor on my wrist. It's okay now, it's okay.

"Cleeeaaa, I know you're there. Pick up. I just want to talk. It's Molly,"

The music is saddening. My heart is tearing open, creating a hole so big not even the universe can fill it. I'm aching so badly. Suffering so badly. Please understand for me. Because I don't.

"Okay, whatever. This is like, the six hundredth time I've called. You're making me depressed, Clea. All your moodiness is bad for the soul, y'know? Well, mine anyways. Pick up, Clea! Pick up...,"

I love them so much. So much I can't even tell them. I would die for them. For him. And it's not easy knowing and having to keep it alone. Isolated from my other thoughts. A taunted puppy in a locked cage. Knowledge is cruel.

"Clea! Honestly, are you like, dead or something? Seriously, girl. Pick up! Or I'm coming over,"

It happened without my knowing. It happened quickly. Like the sudden rain, it fell from a grey distance. Six months previous, I was happy. I was fine. I was...normal. Now I was this.

"Okay, Clea? I'm coming over. In thirty minutes. It's been four days, Clea. This is unhealthy, you need to get over it. I hate to be harsh but it's the truth. You need to move on Clea, you need to,"

Desperate.

"Last time. Clea?"
"Shana...,"
"Clea?!"
**Beeeeeeeeeeeep.**

I am a star. And all stars must die a beautiful death.

Well, Auteur, that was just depressing.

But it was also well written. The only actual problem that I have with this is that my curiosity is sparked. I can only guess that she’s lost someone she obviously loves. But who and how? I’m curious to the point that I hate you.

I love the sense of urgency that Molly’s dialogue gives the piece. That’s really the driving force behind this I believe, not the italicized thoughts. At least that’s how it was for me while I was reading it.

Still, it was a great piece of flash fiction.

~lilymoore


*Also, congrats. You are my 400th review!*

LOL. I'm sorry, hehe. The science intermixed with everything... it's just so geeky, and geeky in a humorous way. Plus, the contrast between the caller and the scientific philosophy? I don't know. It seems like it's written more as a comedy rather than a drama. That is, the last line doesn't make it seem that way, but everything else? It's pretty funny!

I like it. I would totally rewrite it as a comedy, kind of like the movie, "Better Off Dead." That would be AWESOME.

I'm going to give you my semicolon talk Enjoy.


Semicolons are beautiful things. They make your writing look more advanced, and in general more pretty, in a complex way.

However, when you use them wrong, you look like you are trying to hard to make your writing look complex.

There are only a couple rules of semicolons.

Each side of the semicolon must be a sentence, as semi-colons are used for dividing sentences.

The sentences that you combine must run into each other. For example: Amy must not eat the potato chips; she is a diabetic. That's a horrible example, but you should kind of understand.

If you have more than two semicolons in the same sentence, you must edit. It just looks horrible. The exception is if you are making a list and you are employing the semicolon as a supercomma; however I seriously doubt that situation will ever occur.

So that's basically it. Just remember to only use a semicolon to connect two independent but related sentences.

Now I'm going to correct all your semicolon errors in this piece.

Pick up#FF0000 ">; I just want to talk.

I'd take the semicolon out of this one, even though it actually does follow the semicolon rules. Usually when you have semicolons in dialogue, you should replace them with a period, as is the case in this. I also feel that the sentences don't run together enough, but it really all is a matter of your opinion on it. Keep in mind that an excess of commas makes your writing look very amateur.

I am a star#FF0000 ">; and all stars must die a beautiful death.

This semicolon should obviously be changed into a comma. The second part of the semicolon MAY stand as a full sentence, but who wants a full sentence that starts with and? Nobody. If you have a conjunction after the semicolon, then it shouldn't be there. Or you can take out the conjunction and leave the semicolon, although that would sound weird.

I know you said that you don't care much about this piece, and that you won't edit it, but I think you should apply your new knowledge of semicolons to the rest of your work, to ensure that it does not become infected with semicolons as well. (haha, yeah I just realized that this only has two problems, so I guess its not all that bad... hahah... oops...)

One more thing.

It came quickly, and quietly.

This sounds horribly sexual to me.

And I agree with Snoink that although you attempted to hold a very serious tone, this piece was almost humorous. Also, I found it hard to figure out what the heck was going on.

PM for questions/comments,
Lena

I loved this. The only thing I'd reccommend though is that you expand it. I'd like to see more

My favourite part of this was Molly's dialouge. It added a sense of urgency to the piece.

I found it somewhat mellow and depressing, but I still liked it!

Good work!

- RedRaven