Flameshore

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1750
Reviews 10
(Prolouge)

“Give it back!” Muse screamed stubbornly.

“Not unless I get a kiss in return!” Flame smirked, holding Muse's arrow high above his head. Being a year older had it's advantages. Muse only stood to his shoulder.

Muse planted her hands on her hips. Was the arrow really worth it? She looked him up and down playfully. He was starting to lose that baby fat in his cheeks, and his raven black hair was finally growing out.

“Fine.” She closed her eyes and puckered her lips. This was the normal way to get what she wanted. Flame was very easily persuaded, and he was only ten! She felt his lips soft on hers, then they were gone. She opened her eyes to find the arrow on the ground before her feet, and Flame sprinting all out towards the castle.

“I'm going to win!” He taunted over his shoulder.

Stupid boy. She whistled low and heard the familiar sound of hooves against grass coming swiftly towards her. Sedot, her warhorse in training, was thundering towards her.

“Alright boy...and...jump!” She timed it perfectly and landed on his bareback at a full gallop.

In seconds, she was close behind Flame.

“I win and I get your horse treats!” Muse yelled at him, he turned around and almost tripped, and his eyes went wide with shock, then narrowed in anger. He didn't like being beaten.

“Cheater!” He yelled as she passed him.

As always, she stuck her hand out at the last second, and pulled Flame up behind her. His hands flew around her waist, warm and familiar. He hated riding bareback.

They flew by the maple tree that was next to her window. She used it almost every night to sneak out a see Flame. They usually just wrestled over silly things, then Flame would get mad because she won and he would stalk back to his father's house. Muse would have to climb back up the huge branches, into her window, and clean off the mud and leaves.

Finally they were at the castle entrance. Without getting off her horse, they walked right in. Gaurds were stationed by each of the doors, though. The Kingdom of Flameshore was very heavily gaurded nowadays, since the war with the Rock Clans. It wasn't unusaul for the princess to be seen with other people, because of that, but she explained herself quickly anyways.

"He was walking along the road. His father was looking for him earlier so I decided to give him a ride." The gaurds nodded once. They knew better than to question their future Queen. She urged Sedot forward, into the gloomy hall, and her eyes had to adjust to the contrast of light. A voice starteled her.

“May I take your horse, Lady Princess?” A servant asked as she walked by.

“Ask him yourself.” She had replied curtly.

They rode all the way into the dining pavilion before Flame had told her to stop. If they were caught together, her father would fire Flame's father. Flame's father was the HorseLord, and her own father was King Soleshine, Ruler of Flameshore.

“Until we meet again, Princess.” He said with a smile.

Thus started the beginning of a forbidden romance.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Chapter One

“FLAME! You had better run!” Muse screamed across the meadow.

“You couldn't catch me anyways, Muse. Your as slow as the King nowadays!” Flame's voice echoed from the tree-tops. She closed her eyes and focused. Second tree to the right. He was in for it now.

'You're right, as always. I give up.” She plopped down in the grass, tucking her blood red dress underneath her.

She heard rustling in tree she had predicted and stood up quickly. Her arm extended like a cobra and she threw her daggers with precision. Hearing a muffled “Ow”, and a string of swear words, she finally saw Flame bounding out of the tree. His black hair was sticking up all over the place.

“You hit me!” He accused, running towards Muse with her daggers. Obviously he wasn't really hurt; he was used to her hitting him and such. She had barely even drew any blood. She could smell it from even where he was.

“No, I stabbed you!” She said with a fox-like grin.

He stopped when he was right beside her, and stared into her eyes.

“If you want these daggers back, I get a kiss for each of them.” He said seriously, and his auburn eyes seemed to see right through her, into her very soul. Her body wanted it more than her mind did, and when she closed her eyes she held out her arms. She felt her skin touch his and, very hesitantly, he put his arms around her. She waited, and when he didn't kiss her she opened her eyes slowly, one by one. He was inches away from her, and his breath smelled like apples.

“You are such a beautiful creature.” He said slowly.

She laughed, “Not too bad yourself, stable hand.”

“No Muse. I'm very serious. I've just never noticed it before.” His gaze was intense and very mature.

Now that he mentioned it, she looked very closely at him. He had gold flecks in his auburn eyes that flashed in the Sun. His hair was shaggy, but blacker than Sedot's fur. He was also very tall for being seventeen. She had to crane her neck to see him now. There was a handsome quality about him that was hard to explain. He almost looked, wolf-like, with his sly grin, and they way his eyes crinkled. It was very appealing. All in all, he'd grown up from the mud eating bugger she'd known.

“We're not kids anymore.” She said softly.

“No...We're really not. We should do something mature and adult like.” He declared.

“Hmm..” Pretending to think about it, Muse leaned into his neck and bit his shoulder.

“Ouch! What the bloody...You bit me!” He said, not quite believing that she really just did that.

“Your first love bite! Very mature.” She winked and laughed at the irony. He had bit her once, and she had shot him with an arrow. It was very called for.

“That's vicious.” He said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Muse kissed Flame in a way that they weren't used to. She put every once of love and passion, of pain and lust into that kiss, and he had received it hungrily. They stood there, intertwined in each others embrace until the distant sound of horns bugled in the distance.

“Flame!” Muse was urgent; she had to get back before the King's men came looking for her!

They leaped apart and whistled in unison. Two horses that were grazing at the edge of the clearing raised their heads and fell into a gallop. The raven black one was slightly faster than the cream colored one, so Muse mounted Sedot faster than Flame mounted his horse, feather.

“Until we meet again, Princess.” He called over his shoulder as they sprinted in opposite directions; him to the stables, and her to the palace. She was taking the back roads so they wouldn't look suspicious.
She nodded her farewell to her almost lover, and bent herself low. Sedot ran with the wind through the forest, and leaves ripped at her flowing red hair. The trees were unnaturally quiet, and she urged her horse forward. He responded, and she felt like she was flying.

No one knew that Flame and Muse met secretly, except for Flame's father. He was a very kind man, but he was also very old. That's why Muse had to convince her father regularly that he was worth his keep. It wasn't a lie either. He was very wise, and you could see that in his sharp blue and gray eyes.

Sedot's ears pricked up, listening to something that Muse couldn't hear. Her eyes were now wide open and her thoughts were only focused on her surroundings. Something wasn't quite right...

Two rider's cloaked in black robes flew out of the underbrush. They were atop snow white horses' with black armor. Muse grabbed wildly for her daggers. Instinct kicked in, and when she remembered that Flame still had her favorite weapon, she wanted to punch herself. Curse him!

She pulled her sword from its sheathe on her back. It felt huge and clumsy in her hands, and she desperately ached for her daggers.

Swinging wildly, her sword seemed to move in slow motion. The rider on her right dodged her blow and managed to hit her on her shoulder blade, popping her arm out of socket.

Her teeth clenched in pain, but she refused to cry out. She thought wildly about what to do, then it came to her. Flame still had her daggers. If she could get back to him, they could take these spies or kidnappers captive.

Yanking on Sedot's reins, she turned him on his heels and sped the other way, back to the clearing.

There was a pinprick of feeling on the back of her neck that felt like a bug bite. Hesitantly, she felt around until she found what she was looking for. She pulled the dart from her neck and cursed silently. It was either coated with poison or sleeping medicine, but either way her eyelids were drooping with exhaustion. She had to get to Flame. She just had to.

Specks of white were popping up in her vision by the second. She urged Sedot faster even though he was foaming from the physical excursion.

The clearing was only a couple of leagues away. She had to hold on to her mind, her feelings, and her sanity. For Flame's sake. As heir to the throne, she had to go on. Her eyes started crossing themselves, and it felt as if her body was shutting down.

As she broke through the clearing, she saw Flame in the middle of the meadow, brushing Feather.

“Flame!” She managed to choke out, before the darkness took her under. Standing as still as a statue, Flame was the last thing that Muse saw.
Last edited by Riot_starter on Wed Mar 31, 2010 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I live my life in one simple fashion:WWTWTD
What would the Weasley Twins Do?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14356
Reviews 199
Tehe, I hate cliff hangers!

Wow this is really good! I really liked it, great job.

I couldn't find any spelling mistakes or gammar (I suck at that anyway so...)

And yeah! Great job, can't wait for the next one!
I spy!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2826
Reviews 13
This was really cute. I liked it.
I look forward to read more.
Tell me when you submit something, will you? : )
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Erm... So if she stabbed him with her daggers, is he hurt? Where did she stab him? How deeply? Is he bleeding? O.o

Seriously, that was all I could think from that point on. And it seems like daggers are a dangerous thing to be throwing at people. I mean, I could see if she nailed him with a pinecone or a play dagger or something, but she threw literal, actual knives at him and hit him! Isn't he hurt?

Yeah, anyway, moving on...

Hesitantly, she felt around until she found what she was looking for. She pulled the dart from her neck and cursed silently

Muse doesn't have the use of one of her arms, having had it dislocated, so it's hanging loose? Is she holding on to Sedot's reins at all? You can ride a horse without using your hands hands, but it seems like here she would have dropped the reins to feel for the dart since she can't use one arm. And that arm would be in horrible pain.

The little romantic moments were very sweet. It was cute to see them behaving almost the same way even as they aged. I want more character development though! Why did they fall in love? How do they act when someone is around who doesn't know about them? What is it with the knife-throwing abilities? Why is Muse trained in combat and riding a warhorse? It makes it seem like there should be a danger somewhere, that she would know how to hold her own in a fight, but the kingdom seems to be fairly happy (except for those guys trying to kidnap her or whatever).

This was cute, but it felt a little lacking. The threat of them being found out didn't feel very real. They seem pretty happy and open. Why are they forbidden to love one another? What would the consequences be if they were found out? It's nice to see characters with a secret love being non-angsty however.

I'm sure some of my questions will be answered further into the story. The romance was still oh so sweet though. ^_^

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1199
Reviews 3
That was really good. Please, please, please someone pm me when there's more!!!!
"Not all those who wander are lost" - J.R.R Tolkien

"It's horrible when you're giving a microphone a blowjob and it's giving you negative feedback" - Ville Valo

LOVE is the MOVEMENT. HOPE is the REASON




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1581
Reviews 5
I found one thing.
Flame mounted his horse, Feather.

This should be capitalized because it's the horse's name.

The whole thing was good, and I didn't find any other mistakes.

Can't wait to read the rest. :smt003

BandGeek
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3974
Reviews 24
I liked the romantic moments, they were very sweet. Flame and Muse interacted very naturally with one another. The only real issue I had was with their names. "Muse" and "Flame" in particular, seem very cliché for fantasy names. I kept focusing on that...
However, I did like it.
But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
Prolouge should be prologue. XD

'had it's advantages.' its.

Aw, they're adorable! >.< <3 <3 <3

'Gaurds were stationed by each of the doors, though' Gaurds should be guards. I'm seeing a lot of spelling errors like this where two letters are switched around, so I'm assuming they're just typos. XD I'd go back and proofread a little more.

'Thus started the beginning of a forbidden romance.' Sounds a little odd. 'Thus began a forbidden romance' or 'Thus started a forbidden romance', I think. But, do you even need this sentence? I'm pretty sure we can all infer where this is going. ;)

I repeat. They. Are. ADORABLE. <3 <3 <3

I agree with a lot of what GryphonFledgling said though. The thing about the daggers, and the rest.

Also, she decides to turn around and ride back to Flame because he has her daggers. If she's that confident that she won't be caught right away, why not just ride toward the castle and get the guards to do their jobs and take down her attackers? How does she know that she and Flame will be able to take them down themselves? Especially considering she just dislocated her arm or whatever.

Basically, this has oodles of potential, but some proofreading and plot development wouldn't hurt anything. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2054
Reviews 4
My first review. I kinda checked around to see how it`s done and hopefully I`ll get you a helpful review.

Muse planted her hands on her hips. Was the arrow really worth it?

This part is kinda missing a part - You should describe Muse a bit more. After "on her hips" just continue with something like : "and the forelock she had from birth curled more on her forehead contributing to the menacing look she gave to Flame. Her cheeks were flushed and her breathing a bit rapid. Muse let out a sigh." and then you add the question.

“You are such a beautiful creature.” He said slowly.

=)) She`s a creature? Sorry, but I get very quickly amused. From my opinion the line that follows it should be more ironical, to continue the "joke".

Hmm..” Pretending to think about it, Muse leaned into his neck and bit his shoulder.

“Ouch! What the bloody...You bit me!” He said, not quite believing that she really just did that.

Another part where you can develop a follow-up for the "creature". After that I just see her saying "What? I`m a creature remember?"

She pulled her sword from its sheathe on her back. It felt huge and clumsy in her hands, and she desperately ached for her daggers.

Describe the felling she gets when she moves, when she hits... "The weight of the sword drew her back as she swung it towards the attacker. The inertia made her lose her footing but regained her equilibrium quickly. She could not make mistakes in from of them. She stood there concentrating, remembering her lessons. Right foot in front, body weight on both of them, breath slowing, concentrate on their weak point... Strike!

Her teeth clenched in pain

Describe that pain..."The burning feeling that paralyzed for a moment her body, making her breath stop in shock."


Anyway, overall there aren't much problems. The only thing is that you must describe more, also build up your characters by doing so. Their way to act and react to certain situations, their thoughts, their feelings, described, build up their personality.

The actions are short. Too short. Also describe.

At dialogues try making them to sound more human-like. They are old enough to know a fine irony or sarcasm. Try using it, try playing yourself their roles. It will help you.

I like the idea and I`m looking forward to reading more of this. Hope this review helped you.

Dante.



There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki