and on your left is the statue of liberty [remix]

pendulums of emotion swing above mahogany fireplaces
with chimneys to let the steam out and firewood to keep
the cauldron boiling; I've pulled out too many petals over you.

drowning in our birthplaces, losing the key before we
wanted to unlock anything, falling before science class
taught us about gravity, drafting obituaries when we were
sixteen, dead before we stepped out the front door.

what did they teach us, oh jesus,
we can pour our hearts out onto blank pieces of paper
until the flood water is too deep, before we trap ourselves
in our own stranglehold, choking on love....

how do the hell do you choke on love anyway?
maybe I should wear hooped shirts and baggy jeans
and learn to wail and name this poem
"drown in my tears because I'm so fucking cool".

led zeppelin never mentioned the creak on the right
or how the next step collapses when you apply
some pressure maxïmo-esque. this is a public service
announcement with guitars, because it's like that,
that's just the way it is.

where would we be if we didn't rip off the past masters
nothing is original, just slap a new colour, new name,
hide it in the middle of a line and nobody will notice.

and I know this poem is 23 lines too long, I know this poem
has dragged on too fucking long. if you're waiting
for some sort of purpose, don't you know that
don't you know that don't you really know that

all these pointless techniques, a lot/a little alliteration,
rererepetition, meaningless metaphors, and I always end with something
really dramatic; what's wrong with a beautiful anticlimax?

By far, the best poem I've read on this site. Don't know if that's a compliment coming from me because I haven't read that many, but hey, take it as one anyway. Honestly, what I got out of this poem practically epitomizes what I've been thinking about for the past little while, and it's refreshing to actually see something unclichéd and beautifully original. I especially loved the last stanza:

all these pointless techniques, a lot/a little alliteration,
rererepetition, meaningless metaphors, and I always end with something
really dramatic; what's wrong with a beautiful anticlimax?

Excellent. (I'm jealous)

It's also wonderful that you shed some light on our generation's almost complete lack of originality with your sixth stanza. It's completely unfathomable that we've accepted recycled ideas as enlightened thought. You've managed to stay away from this problem with success, and your writing is wise beyond your years. A very insightful piece. Well done!

heh. Sometimes (ok, more than sometimes), you amaze me.

Last stanza is beautiful. Period.

Now. As for the rest. A bit.. rantish. Round-about rantish

first stanza, same as the last.

Won't bother with line nit-picks (unless asked), you don't really need them (from me).

second stanza, last line. very nice.

third. I heard somewhere that certian ideas and ideals shouldn't be said directly in poetry. usually, I take that type of thing with a grain of salt, but here..eh, not to sure about using "love" but that's me. maybe becuase you've been expressing without using a term such as, and it's rather distracting. next stanza, however, it's fine (by me, at least, but I'm no authority).

speaking of next stanza..sounds bitter and sarcastic when read one way, desperate in another.. and there are other ways, but I won't bother listing the ways I can read it.

5th (led zeppelin one becuase I think I've lost count of stanzas..) heh. yep. that about sums it up. that and "creak"..either a stair creak, or a play on words for "creek"..or both (or maybe that's just somthing I would do..). last few lines I like..and it's kinda true, too.

ok, next stanza. we go from poetry, to zeppelin, to the masters, back to poetry (next stanza after this one, and yes, I'm talking about stanzas, not lines.. don't think I said that). ok, connections make seme sense, but it's jumpy. intentional? sounds like it to me. still bitter, but still true, in a sense. but not entirely, but I'm not here to dispute that.

uh-huh. next stanza. heh. and transtion between the last two lines and the last stanza works quite well.

ok, overall, the voice sounded peeved at something. many things. love, to poetry, to rip-offs, all inclusive, but not. sure, there are places I think you could trim it up, but it's mostly minor stuff. (ok, my musings..again. what's wrong with not being 100 percent original when it's impossible in today's society, and people expect far too much of individuals, but also seem to expect too little. yep. I'll stop right there).

[edit]OH! idea.

ok.. the stanza where you end with "love..." what if (and yes, this is me, missing points and making almost revelent comments) you what if you end on "on" and then the "..." and then the next stanza? I don't know... just a thought (from a rather insane, not inane, mind). and now i actually am done with my comments that probably don't help, but inhibit, and are rather missing points, still *bows* still don't know how you write so darn well.. jeesh. make us all look bad. kudos to you.

I didn't really care much for the second to the last stanza, but the rest of it was very 'Oh my god... that was awesome'.

Whoa. I cant believe you used to claim you didnt WRITE poetry. Jesus. I might as well just pack up my pens and leave. Another brilliant poem, Firestarter. Particularly that last line. Beautiful.

Jack I love you and your poetry. If we weren't both taken I'd ask you to marry me, lol.

Seriously though, this is... wow. My God. And the last stanza wrapped it up beautifully.

Best poem I think I've ever read from you.

And now I am going to rant on and on about how I hate your poetry...

Just kidding. Cool poem. I liked it very much.

long.long.long.long.
long.long.long.long.
long.long.long.long.

Too few linebreaks and periods, too long, and I stopped caring (and wasn't given a reason to otherwise) after stanza 387.

brad

You're losing your touch, Incandescence.