Skin [ Editied]

Ron didn't want to go to the trip. Period. No questions asked. Every year Ron's family -- which was comprised of his overly outgoing mom, his busy body dad, and he–– would go to a different location every year. This time it was a farm in the middle of nowhere, Alabama. Why couldn't his parents just be normal and go to California or Hawaii where there's plenty of waves and girls? But no! They just had to chose a place where there's no cable,no stores, and no girls.
"Perfect!" Ron mumbled and grumbled, the car bouncing up and down.
"Honey, lighten up! This is going to be fun! How many of your friends get to go to a place like this?" Ron's happy-go-lucky mom quipped.
" None 'cause they're all in California!" Ron yelled angry at her incompetence.
"Now son," Ron's father intervened, "Stop griping! Enjoy the scenery. Things will turn out, you'll see."
For the rest of the car ride, Ron doused out the world playing Metallica on his Ipod on high. Finally Ron felt the car com to a sudden stop. Ron took out his earphones and looked around. As he looked, Ron noticed that it was exactly how he imagined it to be. Brown grass, gray sky, barren landscape. When he was about to get out of the car, there was a rasping noise near his window. Ron screamed. Loudly. For there before him was an old man with no arms and... scissors?
"Dude, what's your problem?" Ron stuttered mollified.
"Your skin. I want your skin" The creepy guy whispered eyeing Ron's tan brazen arms.
Ron looked at his parents who didn't seem to notice.
"Did you just see that?! Did you hear that?! He wants my skin!! And, he doesn't have any arms!" Ron whispered to his dad as they got out of the car.
"Ron, are you okay? This is Mr. Whithers, our neighbour. He'll be helping around town. Besides, he doesn't want your skin because he still has arms. See?" Ron's dad explained.
He was right! Mr. Withers had arms and no scissors to be found.
Mr. Withers then said, "Follow me. I'll show you to your rooms."
Ron's family walked into a glorified shack a.k.a, a cottage. Despite his father's corrections, Ron still clung tightly to his mothers purple skirt. She detached him when Mr. Withers showed the parents into their room where there was a maid waiting for them. Ron followed Mr. Withers down a barely lit hallway.
"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Ron questioned. Mr. Withers just grunted.
At the end of the hall that seemed to go on forever, there was a huge room filled with people.
"We've been waiting for you Ron," A maid creepily stated, "We need something of yours."
"Get away from me wierdos! I don't know what kind of sick joke this, i just want to leave." He said as he moved towards the door.
Suddenly the door slammed open and his parents entered. Ron had to do a double take. "These can't be my parents." he thought.
Their skin was molten gray, their eyes sunken and lifeless; fresh blood dripping from their wounds. As he noticed this, his mom's arm fell off and he screamed. Then Ron knew Mr. Withers was a thing not to be messed with.
"What did you do to my parents, you creep?! Sure, they annoyed me at times, but I didn't want them dead." Ron cried.
"Relax Ron. I didn't kill them, merely turned them into zombies." Mr. Withers corrected. "I control them now."
"Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money, power, our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron was bargaining now.
"Good man. I knew you'd come to your senses," Mr. Withers said, "Because all we need is something very little. It'll just pinch a bit."
Instantly, every-one's arms fell out and were replaced by scissors.
"We want your skin! We want your skin!" The mass of bodies endlessly chanted as they congealed around Ron.

That was the last thing he ever heard.

Oooh, nice horror story. I can just see this being told around the campfire in the dark.

which was comprised of his overly outgoing mom, his busy body dad, and he

That "he" at the end there should be "him". It's sort of the same confusion as "I" vs "me". A good rule of thumb is to ask if you could use the word on it's own without the others in the list. For instance, if you were to take away his dad and his mom out of the list, it would read "comprised of he", which sounds silly.

For there before him was an old man with no arms and... scissors?

How is he holding the scissors if he has no arms? *is confuzzled* And how are they holding scissors at the end with no arms?

"Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money, power, our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron was bargaining now.

How does Ron plan to give them money or power? It just sounds very out of character for Ron. Maybe have him blubbering a bit more as he freaks out, asking them not to hurt him or something?

The description in this story goes from being pretty good in the beginning to nearly non-existent by the end. Everything is moving so fast that we aren't really getting time to react to each new thing coming or to experience the full horror poor Ron must be experiencing. Slow down a little bit (not too much - you don't want to lose the great chaos you have there at the end) and let the reader really soak in the bad, bad stuff that's going down.

Out of curiosity: any particular reason they want his skin?

*shudders*

~GryphonFledgling

Hiya!

That gives me a good horror feel. Good job!
So, besides what Gryph said, here's what I think about it

Pace: It was good in the beginning but you sort of wanted to rush your story out by the end. You need to slow it down.

Description: Well, your description lacked a bit. Well, you could explain the zombie people, their features and how it tingled Ron's skin or something. Or how his parents didn't see them/ hear them.

"Honey, lighten up! This is going to be fun! How many of your friends get to go to a place like this?" Ron's happy-go-lucky mom quipped.

I did not like this description of the mother. Happy-go-lucky doesn't quite suit this place.

Ron's family walked into a glorified shack a.k.a a cottage.

Try not to use the 'a.k.a.'

Suddenly the door slammed open and his parents entered.

A little more description needed. Afterall, they are his parents.

Overall: Work on description a bit. But in all, a good, not outrageous(which I tend to dislike) horror story.

Cheers,
~Lava

Hi Sionamara!

I didn't enjoy this. The idea was interesting, but the execution wasn't very good. It was too short and the pace was all clunky. It's deserving of something much longer so you can go into detail and give the characters and the setting justice. It's a good idea, and it should be pulled up to its full potential.

Let's take a look at your characters first. There's hardly any development for any of them. Ron comes across as an annoying jerk so we don't really care when he dies. To make a slasher story work, we have to care enough about the characters so we're concerned for them and want them to survive. Maybe if we knew a little bit more about Ron we'd be able to relate with him a little bit better. If I was him, I'd be lucky that I was going on a trip at all.

On top of that, I'd like to see more explanation to the story. The major thing that's leaving me scratching my head is wondering why they would rent a cabin in the middle of the woods. You could argue that they may not have known, but they seemed to be familiar and friendly with Mr. Withers, who obviously isn't right in the head.

I also think you should give us time to soak up the atmosphere of this story. It's a cabin in the middle of the woods. What is the cabin inside like? Try to foreshadow in subtler ways. For example:

"We've been waiting for you Ron," A maid creepily stated,

Creepily? No. Creepy doesn't really have a specific sound. Maybe "Cold" or "Raspy" would be a better word. That way we get the sense that something is wrong without you outright stating it to us.

I think you should expand on the idea of the killers, too. Why do they want the skin? Are they crazy? Cannibalistic? Even if you never mention it in the story-give hints that there is a motive behind their crime so we will be able to interpret it and make our own conclusions. How many people have they killed? Do they target specific people, or everyone that dares come near them?

I think you've got a good start to this. Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Heya
I had to comment on this because the title's my username, just without the 's' on the end. Yeah, I'm weird like that.

Ron didn't want to go to the trip. Period. No questions asked. Every year Ron's family -- which was comprised of his overly outgoing mom, his busy body dad, and he–– would go to a different location every year You don't need repeating this!. This time it was a farm in the middle of nowhere; Alabama. Why couldn't his parents just be normal and go to California or Hawaii where there's plenty of waves and girls? But no! They just had to chose a place where there's no cable,Space here.no stores, and no girls.
This was a good beginning! It made me giggle, well done.

"Perfect!" Ron mumbled and grumbled You don't really need the two verbs here. Just mumbled or just grumbled would sound better, in my opinion., the car bouncing up and down.

"Honey, lighten up! This is going to be fun! How many of your friends get to go to a place like this?" Ron's happy, go-lucky mom quipped.

"Don't need a space here. None 'cause they're all in California!" Ron yelled angry at her incompetence.

"Now son," Ron's father intervened, "Stop griping! Enjoy the scenery. Things will turn out, you'll see."
Sounds like something my father would say!

For the rest of the car ride, Ron doused out the world playing Metallica on his ipod on high. Finally Ron felt the car come to a sudden stop. Ron took out his earphones and looked around. As he looked, Ron noticed that it was exactly how he imagined it to be. Brown grass, gray sky, barren landscape. When he was about to get out of the car, there was a rasping noise near his window. Ron screamed; loudly. A semi colon seemed more appropriate here. For there before him was an old man with no arms and... scissors?

"Dude, what's your problem?" Ron stuttered mollified.

"Your skin. I want your skin. The creepy guy whispered eyeing Ron's tan brazen arms. WTF?!

Ron looked at his parents who hadn't seemed to have noticed.

"This is our neighbor, Mr. Whithers. He'll be helping us around town" Ron's dad explained.

Mr. Withers just muttered and said, "Follow me. I'll show you to your rooms."

Ron's family walked into a glorified shack a.k.a a cottage. I liked this! Mr. Withers first showed the parents into their room where there was a maid waiting for them. Ron followed Mr. Withers down a barely This word sounds a bit odd. Maybe something like 'badly' would sound better? lit hallway.

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Ron questioned. Mr. Withers just grunted.

At the end of the hall that seemed to go on forever, there was a huge room filled with people.

"We've been waiting for you Ron," A maid creepily stated, "We need something of yours."

"Get away from me, wierdos! I don't know what kind of sick joke this, I just want to leave." He said as he moved towards the door.

Suddenly the door slammed open and his parents entered. They looked the same, except for them being zombies!

"Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money, power, our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron was bargaining now.

"Good man. I knew you'd come to your senses," Mr. Withers said, "Because all we need is something very little. It'll just pinch a bit."

Instantly, everyone didn't have arms like Mr. Withers and pulled out scissors.

"We want your skin! We want your skin!" The mass of bodies endlessly chanted as they congealed around Ron.

That was the last thing he ever heard.

Overall

Right... this was the weirdest thing I've ever read. I have to agree with Elinor though; the idea itself was very good and original, I just don't really like how you wrote it. Some parts of it were funny and was enjoyable to read, I just think that it was a bit rushed. I also don't know anything about your characters, especially your MC. There's no real climax either. To put it bluntly, your MC just seems to go to a cabin, go to a room and die.

Now, I'm not saying that your a bad writer, not by far! I can tell that you are actually a very good writer. Your idea as a whole is very, very good. Also, there were a few parts in your story that really did make me giggle. Well done for that. The beginning of this story was good, I must say. You showed us readers how much your MC really hated going on family holidays, even if he did come across as a bit of a c***. No offence. It was good how you portrayed his feelings though, in my opinion. If the rest of your story was as good as your beginning, it would make the story great.

Another thing that I found kind of weird were your characters reactions. Your MC sees a guy with scissors for hands. His parents tell him that he's their neighbour, so your MC is like 'okay' and accepts the fact that the guy has scissors for hands. Now come on, would that really happen? If my parents told me to trust a dude with sharp things for hands, I would hardly be able to trust him within the blink of an eye. The same goes with the parents actually. Would they trust a guy with scissors for hands? I can imagine how they met. 'Hey, I'm your neighbour.' 'Hey, I like your sharp hands, are you a hairdresser?' Do you get what I mean. It seems kind of unrealistic that your MC and his parents would accept their freaky neighbour. How did he even get scissors for hands, anyway? How did everyone suddenly have scissors for hands? You need to explain these things a bit more!

Thankfully, your grammar is pretty much up to scratch. Your spelling is also perfect! Unless I've missed something, that is. There are an awful lot of writers who struggle with grammar, especially commas. I have to say though that there was the odd missing comma in this piece. Although, there was nothing absolutely terrible; I've seen much worse. I only found a few missing commas, well done. All of the other grammar marks in this was pretty much perfect, you just didn't seem completely sure about the commas. As for your spelling, I didn't actually find one misspelled word. That made me smile!

Overall, I definitely do think that this story has potential. With the right care, this could be seriously great. I love the idea as a whole and I also like the little random bits of humour you added here and there. All that you need to do is consider what us reviewers have said and maybe polish this up a bit. With a bit of careful editing, this will be very, very good. You are clearly a good writer, we just need to suck your skills out of you!

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins

Hey there! Irish here!

So, interesting story you have here. I agree with Elinor when I say that it's very original. I saw a couple things however:

They just had to chose a place where there's no cable, no stores, and no girls

I think you mean "choose"?

"Perfect!" Ron mumbled and grumbled,the car bouncing up and down.

Now, I'm not the greatest at punctuation nit-picks so sorry if I'm incorrect about this but instead of a comma, I think thats supposed to be a semi-colon. Right? xD Again sorry if I'm wrong.

Ron's happy go lucky mom quipped.

I believe someone else pointed this out but I believe you meant "happy-go-lucky"?

" None 'cause they're all in California!" Ron yelled angry at her incompetence.

I believe there should be a comma between None and 'cause?

Finally Ron felt the car com to a sudden stop.

Did you mean "come"?

"This is our neighbor, Mr. Whithers. He'll be helping us around town" Ron's dad explained.

I think you meant "neighbour" and I think there should be a period after town.

"Are you sure you know where your going?" Ron questioned.

"you're"?

"Get away from me wierdos! I don't know what kind of sick joke this, i just want to leave."

Captial "i"

Sorry that was so nit-picky, but those errors just jumped out at me. xP

Overall, I thought the idea (again) was very original. And I agree with Skins, that I don't partically like the way you wrote it.

Ron seems to be easily defensive when the maid tells him that they have been waiting for him. Like he automatically knows that they're after him (even though Mr.Withers had said before that he wanted his skin, he could've forgotten about it?). I know, that when writing scenes like that, you tend to get really excited about it and skip alot of important stuff, and that happens to me all the time, and I think that may be what happened here? I could be wrong but you know *shrug* I'd add a little more content, like make Ron suspicious not just out right scared for his life?

Thats all! I hope I was of some help! PM me with any questions!!

- Irish

Hola there ^^. My corrections will be in varying shades of pink ^^.

[quote="Sionarama"]Ron didn't want to go to the trip. Period. No questions asked. Every year Ron's family -- which was comprised of his overly outgoing mom, his busy body dad, and he–– would go to a different location every year. This time it was a farm in the middle of nowhere, Alabama. Why couldn't his parents just be normal and go to California or Hawaii where there's plenty of waves and girls? But no! They just had to chose a place where there's no cable,no stores, and no girls.
"Perfect!" Ron mumbled and grumbled??? Maybe just pick one, the car bouncing up and down on the gravelly road.

" None 'cause they're all in California!" Ron yelled angry at her incompetence.
"Now son," Ron's father intervened, "Stop griping! Enjoy the scenery. Things will turn out, you'll see."If I had yelled at my mother like that she would have come riding towards me on a three headed horse with the numbers 666 tattoed on her forehead. LOL but maybe that's just me, since I was raised "old school style". I just don't see this as very realistic unless the dad gives Ron a warning first


"Your skin. I want your skin" The creepy guy whispered eyeing Ron's tan brazen arms.
Ron looked at his parents who didn't seem to notice. They must be deaf huh? Or they must have done some serious background checks before allowing a sicross handed (sorry for the horrible spelling) man to be near their kid.

"This is our neighbor, Mr. Whithers. He'll be helping us around town" Ron's dad explained.
Mr. Withers just muttered and said you need to pick either the word "muttered" or "said". Not both.,


"We've been waiting for you Ron," A maid creepily stated What's she look like? What do the collective people look like?, "We need something of yours."

Suddenly the door slammed open and his parents entered. They looked the same except for them being zombies! Oooo is their skin flushed gray? Fresh blood running down their faces? Description here please ^^

"Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money, power, our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron was bargaining now.He's a selflish lil boy aint he? His parents get turned into zombies and he just don't give a flip. Anyway, how would he give them power XD?

Instantly, everyone didn't have arms like Mr. Withers and pulled out scissorsfrom where?.

Overall....it was ok. A Nice campfire story that definatly gives one chills. But your description....it's like you just gave up at the end. And as for Ron, shouldn't he be a little more suspicous of the creepy sciross man? No one can forget a person who clamors for their skin THAT quickly LOL

Hey again!

Sorry, this won't be a proper review, I've just come back to comment on this story now that you've edited it again. Anything I would mention has already been mentioned by myself or other reviewers.

As a whole, this is definitely a lot better! This story doesn't seem half as rushed anymore and you seem to have looked over it carefully. I love how you've still kept the same, original idea, that's what I love the most about this. I also like the fact that Ron doesn't annoy me as much as he did before you edited this. In fact, I actually very much enjoyed reading about him.

I think that you still had the odd issue with was your characters reactions. They have improved an awful lot, I'm just still not quite finding them completely realistic.

"We've been waiting for you Ron," A maid creepily stated, "We need something of yours."
"Get away from me wierdos! I don't know what kind of sick joke this, i just want to leave." He said as he moved towards the door.

Surely, Ron wouldn't just call them weirdos and head for the door. You should write about how confused he is, how he freezes in the spot when he sees them. Something like that, just to make the story seem a bit more realistic. Mind you, making a story about dudes with scissors for hands realistic is kind of weird...

Sorry this wasn't much help, it was more of a comment than anything else, really!

Keep writing and good luck!

xoxo Skins

great plot not much of a conflict though nice job not over complicating the character i think it needs something but i cant put my finger on it the dad's 2nd peice of dialogue sounds COMPLETELY immature. im sorry if that was a little harsh.



ERANBEAR

well this is something different... it starts out with great potential, really gripping. But then i find it just gets more rushed, and rushed, and rushed towards the end. try thinking about what people are going to say.
This is a line i don't really like:

{ "Get away from me wierdos! I don't know what kind of sick joke this, i just want to leave." He said as he moved towards the door. }

Why would he say that? That's really mean! He doesn't exactly know, so why would he say that? and plus nothing 'sick' has happened yet. all they've done is said 'we've been waiting for you'. it could have been a welcome greeting, or something amazing. I'd prefer him to say something like:

"what do you want?"

that would be much simpler.

and this...
{ "What did you do to my parents, you creep?! Sure, they annoyed me at times, but I didn't want them dead. }

I'd prefer this as just complete silence, maybe tell us exactly what this character is thinking, then maybe get him to stutter something out like "What... what have you done?"
It's not something to joke about if you see your parents dead.

{ "Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money, power, our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron was bargaining now. }

I'd prefer you use 'fuel' instead of 'power'. and it's not bargaining that you should use. you might want to use "negotiating'. But even that is not needed. We can see he's trying to do, you don't need to tell us. I'd re-write it as:
"Wha-wha-what do you want from me? Money? Fuel? Our car? Just tell me and I'll give it to you." Ron whimpered.


But this is good! I think that once you re-write it over and over, you'll have an amazing version you'll be proud of. And check your grammar.

~Mystic