betrayed

There are some errors I am aware of, like the paragraphing and other small errors but other than that, enjoy. And please help me to improve. Thank you!






Her eyes wondered around the room. She didn’t know where she was or what was going on, but the agonizing pain between her legs made her think it wasn’t good. She let out a small moan and fidgeted in discomfort. Where am I? She thought. When she looked down at her arm to see an IV hooked in her skin, she cried and reached down to pull it out.
“Don’t,” a voice said, and grabbed her arm before she yanked it out. “It’ll hurt worse if you pull it out like that.” She turned to see Sean, one of her best friends, sitting next to her, his eyes red and puffy. Oh God, she thought, what happened? She could feel her heart pounding inside her and there was a faint ringing in her ears. Part of her wanted to know what happened but the other part had a feeling she wouldn’t like it.
“What happened to me?” she asked in a faint whisper. Sean looked at her; his eyes blank yet concerned. He looked down at his hands and twisted his fingers together as he thought about what to say. Then, he looked up, cleared his voice, and said, “Tabitha, t-this isn’t easy for me to say, but, um,” he looked over her shoulder as if something distracted him then turned back to her and continued, “you were raped.”


2

Tabitha could swear her heart burst inside her. She stared at Sean as if waiting for him to say something else but when it was clear it was just as simple as that, she lost all control of herself. “Oh God….” She said in a normal but shocked tone. Her eyes began to fluster and she couldn’t stop the babbling. “N-no, it can’t be. It just can’t be……..it’s a lie! You’re lying Sean! Why would you come up with a sick joke like that! I wasn’t rapped! It didn’t happen! It just didn’t! You can’t be serious!!!” But he was. Sean sat there with the same innocent expression on his face. He was letting her get all of her feelings out but of course, she wasn’t taking the news too well. He knew she wouldn’t. When she was done, she sat there staring at the ceiling; breathing heavily. “It just can’t be true…..” she moaned.
Later that evening, she woke up again, almost forgetting where she was. But when she opened her eyes to that same pain again, she was quickly reminded of what happened to her; the horrible news Sean gave her. “I was raped,” she whispered to herself. But this time, she broke into an uncontrollable sob. How could have this happened? She could hardly remember anything; just the faint pain of someone inside her, hurting her. And a soft plea somewhere off in the distance. To her it seemed so long ago but here she was, a day later in a hospital bed with bruises over her arms and legs, obviously fresh.
But her thinking was interrupted when her parents entered the room, a cop right behind them. She stared at them as if they had 2 heads each and weird shaped bodies. “Hello Ms. Stoneheart,” the cop addressed her. She was a tanned woman, in her mid 30’s or so and her thick dirty blonde hair tied up in a bun; the typical hair style for woman cops. “My name is Captain Reed and I’m here to ask you a few questions if that’s alright with you?” she said it as more of a demand than a question but her face was gentle and compassionate. Tabitha gave her a small nod, her stunned wide eyes relaxing a bit. She looked at her parents as if waiting what to do next. They smiled an encouraging smile and gave her a small nod. The cop came around the left side of the bed and took out a small note pad and pen from her belt. Tabitha stared at the different weapons in amazement: a tazer gun, baton, normal gun, and a small flip phone.
The cop cleared her throat in a nervous way and looked at Tabitha. You could tell that she was a bit uncomfortable with the subject but she tried to control her nerves and go on in a serious manner. “First I just want to say that I am very sorry at the condition of the situation but I’m going to do everything I can to help you and catch whoever did this. Now do you remember anything about the rapist? As far physical features?” Tabitha thought for a moment and realized that she really didn’t remember too much about anything. The last real thing she remembered was waking up and the paramedics asking her to respond. She gave Captain Reed a small shameful nod; a tear rolling down her cheek as she hung her head in embarrassment. Captain Reed stayed silent for a moment before continuing, “Did he say anything to you at all? Or maybe threaten you in some way?” As soon as the cop said this a light went off in Tabitha’s face and her whole face lit up. She starred off into the distance as if she was drawn into her thoughts; seeing everything first hand. “His voice,” she mumbled,” his voice…so familiar…so young and fragile….She turned to Sean; his eyes drawn to her like a magnet. Then she whispered two words, “Adam Lace.”

Helloo! Here we go...

Cons first
A few grammar mistakes. Proofread! Errors in spelling break the flow of a story.

You start off with an inside look into Tabitha's mind, but that slowly fades as you continue narrating. Try not to let the narration take over the story, but make sure not to repeat any of Tabitha's thoughts/worries/feelings.

Then, he looked up, cleared his voice, and said, “Tabitha, t-this isn’t easy for me to say, #FF0000 ">but, um,” he looked over her shoulder as if something distracted him then turned back to her and continued, “you were raped.”

You don't need the highlighted part. The pain between her legs mentioned before allude to what happened to her. Removing this builds some suspense (even thought people may already know what happened) and maintains the reader's interest. You can clarify later.

He knew she wouldn’t. When she was done, she sat there staring at the ceiling; breathing heavily.

It should be a comma, not a semi-colon.

She stared at them as if they had 2 heads each and weird shaped bodies.

I found this comparison awkward and out of place. Maybe you should mention a comparison related more to her distress rather than alien-like creatures?

They smiled an encouraging smile and gave her a small nod.

Repetition. "They smiled encouragingly..." would fit better here.

As soon as the cop said this a light went off in Tabitha’s face and her whole face lit up.

A light went off in her face? Do you mean in her head? And you mention 'lights' twice: "light went off" and "lit up". To avoid repetition, you could change either of these to some other sort of description.

She starred off into the distance as if she was drawn into her thoughts; seeing everything first hand.

First, it's "stared", not "starred". And secondly, improper use of semi-colon. A dash (otherwise known as a hyphen) would be more appropriate here.

She turned to Sean; his eyes drawn to her like a magnet.

Same here, except use a comma instead of a semi-colon. Be careful not to spam the semi-colon so much. It's used for effect and sparingly in fiction.

The amount of ellipses is a little too much. Just three is usually fine. Give the reader some credit for imagining the length of the pause.

Okay, Pros!
I liked the ending. It's unfinished yet finished at the same time.
It's told from her point of view (third person singular point of view) so I like that there was little description of those that she knew. Plus, it's a short story, so there isn't much you can do with character introduction. Although, a light description of people might be helpful to guide your readers in how people should generally look.

Keep it up!

Hey Gee!!

Well, this is a really good story, it has potential and if you develop it more I'm sure it will be a great story to read. For now it seems just like a draft or a story that you had and wrote down so you wouldn't forget it. This seems as a starting for a good story or novel.

So the first part, was ok, I liked it, because it sort of had a suspense although we knew what had happened to her because of the way you described her pain. I give you full credit at this because you didn't throw at us that she had pain, instead, you showed us and described us the kind of pain she had. But what ruined the suspense was the part where her friend told her she was raped. You should keep us wanting more, intrigued, and in this part you did exactly the opposite of when you described at us her pain, you threw at us her condition.

As for the second part, well it was good, but some descriptions seemed random and redundant for you kept describing the same thing until the officen arrived.

So, I would be nitpicky but I'm not feeling like it, so that's what I can tell you.
Hope I helped.

XOXO
Pudin

Hiya!

I'm a little torn on what I think my overall view of this story should be. The idea is nice, but it's pretty skeleton-like in the sense that you don't really go into much detail about any of it, thus leaving the reader scratching their heads. The ending was a little ambiguous; I couldn't understand the significance that the name was supposed to hold. Are there going to be more parts to this? It feels like there should be, but that's not noted in any way, and this is in novels rather then short stories, so.

Your characters all seem flat and one dimensional. I barely know anything about them, so how am I supposed to sympathize with them and understand what they're going through? A lot of people get raped, so why should we care about Tabitha? We know only a few things about her; her name, that she has a friend named Sean, and that she was raped. We don't know how she was raped and why. We don't know anything about her family or her aspirations. If we know these things, it will make her seem more like friend to us. We're going to be more likely to sympathize with our friends instead of strangers, right?

Now, take Sean. I can tell why you've put him in the story-to be a support system for Tabitha while she's recovering. However, I don't really get a sense of any of that. He's just seems kind of there to disperse information, not like a real friend. Maybe they hug or exchange casual conversation. I'd like to think that that there'll eventually be something more between them, but I'm just a hopeless romantic that way. If you need more help developing your characters,
this is a good article to look at.

Now, about the story. There were a few things that didn't add up for me, like the fact that Tabitha doesn't know that she's been raped and then remembers the dude who did it at end. You never mention that she began to remember, so the reader is like, "wait, what?" I don't think the offender would have knocked her out either-after all, rape is something that the victim be fully conscious for for the full effect. Also, why is she in the hospital? Rape is definitely something traumatic, but after it's over, it's over. The only kind of attention one would need would be psychological-unless the rapist beat her too, and Tabitha is pregnant or something? You never go into enough detail, so, I'm a little bit confused.

Try to be a bit coherent. Right now your story seems a bit fantastical, and a little out of place for a modern, everyday setting. If you give more to the characters and the story, it will seem more realistic. If we know Tabitha's story is something that can and has happened, that'll make us sympathize with her all the more. Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have questions. I can't wait to see where it leads.

-Elinor xo