The Modern Oracle pt. 0 (Prologue)

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The Modern Oracle pt. 0 (Prologue)

I used to know -- no, think -- I was a normal girl. I think maybe deep down, I knew I wasn't normal the whole time, but now it's become obvious. Either I was crazy, or I really wasn't average.

I believe it all started a long long, long time ago. A time even I can't remember. They (the orphanage staff) say I can't because I was traumatized, but I don't know now. When I was just a kid, I lived with a family. My family. But I know nothing about them. No one does. They found me sitting in a pasture in London, with burns and an empty look in my pale silver eyes.

My black hair tied in knots and scorched in some places. No one knew who I was. I didn't know. It was like I had started all over. Like someone had replaced a burned out memory chip with a new empty one. My body knew how to work, but my mind, my feelings, my soul, was gone. Restarted.

The kind people who fond me turned me over to an orphanage. The Rozele Home of the Children. What a fake name. There was nothing homey about it. They renamed me Ira Rozele. (Rozele were all the orphans last names until they were either adopted, left the home, married, or died) I grew up there for five whole years. Five years did I live in a nightmare. The education was terrible. The children evil brats, though I didn't know if I myself was like them at all.

In my fifth year, an American family came over seas in their search for a child. Don't ask me why. I don't know. Recently, though, I've began to think it was fate. They came and whisked me off to their home in the states.

Their house was nice. They were kind people too, but somewhere inside I knew it couldn't last. The friends, my own room, my own school, my own place in life. But that couldn't last. Nothing normal can. Not for me.
If I was a bird I would fly...


\/\/
fly away...

Release me


o-\ /-o
break them...




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Hi, Unworst!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay. Now, I'm going to say that I used to write a lot of things like this prologue when I was a newer YWS member. Well, they weren't very good, and this isn't any better, really. Prologues are often unnecessary because they're often paced slowly and tell us information that we don't need to know. On top of that, they often tell us the information as opposed to showing it. Sadly, your prologue falls into all of these faults.

First, it doesn't really tell us much. Nothing pivotal really happens. A girl (without a name, at this point) tells us that she isn't normal, and that she was British and taken in by Americans. Why do we need to know all this information right now, and all at once? I'm thinking, "okay, okay, enough about her past! I just want to get the story!" If you start this up with the first chapter, you could slowly introduce the main character and what her daily life is like. Then have her figure out that she's not normal whatever way that is. Right now it just seems a little cliche in the sense that there are tons of books about kids not being normal. If you just go right out and tell us, it can get a little boring.

I also didn't like your actual writing style. You seemed to repeat things a lot, like you were a nervous person stumbling over a speech. Take your beginning of the story, for example.

I used to know -- no, think -- I was a normal girl. I think maybe deep down, I knew I wasn't normal the whole time, but now it's become obvious.


You repeat two words in two sentences. Think about revising this-it could be easily trimmed down. You also contradict yourself a little bit; if your MC thought she was normal, how could she knew she wasn't normal? Instead of telling us, show us. Did she ever have any weird moments that she just dismissed but came to realize that they were signs of her power, whatever it is?

So, I think the main problem with this prologue is that you tell too much and bog it down with back story. If you converted this to third person, it could be like a Wikipedia Article. It doesn't tell anything we really need to know, as we should be able to figure out these things about your character as we read. You may feel the need to set up everything (I did too) but really, try to hook us. The reader picked up your story to read about the plot and get to know your characters in the process.

Think of it this way; if characters are new people that you meet, you aren't going to know everything about them right away. If we read a new story, we're being introduced to a new character. As we get to know them and befriend them, we learn more things about them. Your story should follow the same pattern.

Hope this helps, and good luck revising! PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Sherryboton," the plump old lady behind the desk smiled at the young London couple. They looked like like good people, maybe she'd sell -- no, deliver she corrected herself -- a young child to them today. Get rid -- no, give -- a child a new home. That's what they wanted, away from this horrible -- no, magnificent -- home. The nurse shook her head, she had to be for the company when she was advertising for them. Had to get her head in the game.

"Hi Ms," the blond woman left off.

"Ms. Gongalan, but you can call me Harriet!" she laughed. Put on a happy face for them. Make them relaxed. Make them want to take a child away. Forever.

"Hello Harriet," the woman smiled, and them man joined her, "we're looking for a child." the woman announced. Harriet smiled, of course they were.

"What kind? We have them all. Such good kids the lot." she said. What lies, how could she stomach them. All for retirement's sake she told herself, get away from this horrid place.

"OH, well, we were thinking a girl, any age. A sweet thing."

Harried laughed, none of that lot were sweet. None at all. But if she was lucky she could rid herself of one parasite -- no, treasure -- for a week or so.

"Well I have just the girl!" Harriet pulled out a folder, the folder that she never usually glances at twice. Maybe this time...

She shows the picture of a cute girl. She had deep black fair hair, really gorgeous, but entirely wasted on the devil -- no, gift from God. Very pale skin, precious purple eyes. A sure sign she is of the unholy! The girl was a cute one, very alluring, until you actually meet her. But if they don't meet her 'til the drop off....

"Oh what a nice child! How old is she?" Always the first question.

"Eight in December!" Harriet replied.

"Oh how delightful. And her--temperament?" asked the woman.

How to put this..."Such a quiet girl, but very compassionate. We haven't known her for awhile, but I'm sure she's an amazing girl. A real gift in the kitchen. Knows her kitchen tools. Never prone to anger," or any feeling, "a very sweet child. I'm sure you'd love her!"

Harriet didn't know if she was convincing enough, but hopefully...well if she got one little bugger out of her skin for a while that would be good enough.

"Oh she sounds wonderful. When can we meet her?" Harriet's smile froze. Meet that demon -- angel -- child? Make up something! she told herself.

"Ah, she's got an awful case of flu at the moment, but I'm sure if you take her home for a bit and get to know her she'll open up!" not very likely, but by then...

"Very good! How did you, um, come to, ah, acquire such a sweet girl. She looks so fair, mustn't she come from a royal family?" Harriet smiled, royal family. If only.

"Ah, poor girl, she escaped a terrible fire with her life. Found with all kinds of nasty burns. But she survived. A tough one that one." Harriet hoped there would be no more questions. Just set up a day to drop her off--

"Where there any...oh, I feel so silly asking this, but any damage done?" Harriet closed her eyes. So far. If only...

"Well, it would seem, young Ira went on with some trauma. She can't seem to remember anything back before the fire. All very sad." Harriet held her breath. Maybe-- nope. The woman's face fell. No one liked damaged goods. Looked like she'd be stuck with that little bugger for a long time.

What a thorn in the side.

~~~ * ~~~


Harriet grinned for all she was worth, which wasn't much she was told, finally. A little bugger gone! The black haired pain in the neck was going away with some naive American couple. Good riddance. After five whole years of care that thirteen year old menace was in someone else's hands.

"Goodbye! We'll miss you!" the girls called. At least they acted decent in public.

"Hey, gedd' offa' me Jane! Na'! Harriet sighed, too bad there was about a thousand other buggers to care for.

"Bloody awful children." she murmured to herself. Harriet turned around.

"Can't I leave you bloody kids for a second. Get in the house! The lot of ya'! Hurry up now!" she shouted.

That retirement couldn't come soon enough.

>Revised.
If I was a bird I would fly...


\/\/
fly away...

Release me


o-\ /-o
break them...




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I used to know -- no, think -- I was a normal girl.


I would wouldn't have the "know" there...but you know, I think you could come up with a more original way to begin the story completely. You want to draw us in. Don't give away the biggest surprise right from the start. Let whatever's unusual about (her?) be told later, once we know him/her. For now, just get us curious.

I believe it all started a long long, long time ago.


Kinda cliche. Again, try to use more originality.

But that couldn't last. Nothing normal can. Not for me.


Now I'm curious...why not? How is she "different?" I want to know!

Overall, you've sparked my interest pretty well...the point of a prologue. I think the physical descriptions of your character along with some of the details (ie. finding her in the field, the orphanage, etc) arent' yet necessary with so much depth. It's the prologue. Don't fill in the blanks just yet. Make our minds rattle with a thousand questions, give us that urge that makes us really NEED to read onto the next chapter. Still, you did a good job with this and you voiced it pretty well. Good job.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket



There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
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