Daflintonian (Edited, yay!)

Please, please review this. It's a schoolwork and I need help with it. It's only aloud up to 3 pages so that's why it's not so detailed, but please help! P.S. Title suggestions?

I felt random aches in my back, and I stretched my body out. When I looked around, I shook my head in disbelief. Images of willow trees, evergreens, shrubs, and trees that I wasn’t sure what kind were they were surrounded me. I heard some kind of loud bird chirping and the scent of wild flowers filled my nose.

As I searched the land, I saw a red-headed boy grinning deviously. “Hello,” he greeted and stood up from the large rock he had been sitting on.

“Who—who are you?” I wondered suspiciously as my heart pumped. I began to crawl backwards until he smiled softly.

“Evan. More the wonder, who are you?” he retorted with one eyebrow raised.

“Well, I’m... I’m…” My gut told me to not tell him my name, but his warm, green eyes seemed so welcoming and pleasant. “Lilly.”

“Ello, Lilly,” he welcomed me again. “What brings you to Daflintonian?”

The name sounded as if he made it up on the spot. “Oh, please. I’m not that gullible. What’d you do? Kidnap me? Once I get out of here you’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”

Evan’s giggles echoed through the forest. “You can’t leave Daflintonian, silly, at least not until you figure out something that cha’ need to! That’s probably what brought cha’ here in the first place. What do you need to find out, huh?”

“I… I dunno. I haven’t wondered about anything in a while,” I explained and kicked a lone pebble across the grass to a tree stump. My stomach was empty, and I felt like somebody had been playing a trick on me. Why am I even here? Am I dreaming?

“Hmm,” Evan interrupted my thoughts and then smiled. “I bet you that Magdalena Rose could tell us, but she never really cares about anyone but herself—typical for mermaids… humph. Oh well, probably be better if you figured it out yourself.” He started to slowly scuff his brown boots away.

“Wait!” I called to him as he turned around on his heels to face me.

His smirk grew wide as he replied, “Yes…?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Reluctantly, I stood up and took a step closer. My breath was uneven.

“Very well, I might as well help you…” he sighed with that same smirk on his face and hooked our arms together. “We shall attempt to reach Erbium instead, he’s one of the kinder sprites, but I wouldn’t get too close. He’ll bite if irritated, although it’s a wee bit ironic, since he can be quite obnoxious.”

“Oh…” I replied awkwardly and bit my lip. Following him, Evan stopped when we reached a sapling.

“Erbium, it is I, Evan,” he called out and his eyes seemed aware. From a tree, out came a tiny, almost fairy-like creature with a scowling face.

“Hee, hee, the curious little elf, mm? You, know Evan, as they say, curiosity killed the dragonfly,” Erbium snickered and flew close to him. Distrustfully, he shot a dirty look at me. “Who is this!? This better not be a giant, Evan! You know they have been smashing my favorite flowers!”

“No, no, of course not,” Evan explained gesturing his hand towards me. “Another troubled human… and I was actually wondering if you knew what type of problem she has.”

“Hmm, I can’t do that for you…” he told Evan with a pleased look on his face.

“Why not?” he wondered aloud in a harsh voice and Erbium scowled.

“She can’t leave until she finds out for herself,” Erbium explained and shooed us off with his tiny hand. Then, he fluttered away, seeming as though he didn’t want to talk anymore.

Evan looked at me and frowned a bit. Grabbing my hand, he pulled me along behind him. It was after a few minutes until he stopped dragging me along. I was directed to sit on the grass and close my eyes. “Just think of everything that you went through the past day.”

Unwillingly, I shut my eyelids, I saw my dad sitting in his office, typing an important letter to a CEO of a famous company. His eyes were glued to the Word document and he acted as though I was invisible. Then, it flashed to my father watching the football game, cheering for the Bears, and shouting out gibberish when they made the wrong play. I was standing behind him, tapping his shoulder but he didn’t notice me.

I opened my eyes again, but Daflintonian was no here to be seen. No Evan, and no sprites, not even a mermaid or a tree. In its place was my familiar, green bedroom and myself tucked in with a navy blue comforter. The regular smell of fried bacon snuck through my bedroom door and the quiet sound of the weather forecast was playing from below. Immediately, I climbed out of the comfort of my bed, and remembered what I had seen in Daflintonian. I swung my oak wood door open and rushed into the hallway.

Hopping down the tan-carpeted stairs, I scurried to the dining table, where my father was sipping bitter, black coffee in his favorite red mug. Mom was flipping bacon and smiled at me for a moment, but then went back to flipping the meat.

“Daddy, we need to talk.” And at that moment, I could’ve sworn I saw a patch of red curls in the backyard.

My eyes fluttered open as I felt random aches in my back, and I stretched my body out.

Alright, so right here in the first bit, you've got a bit of an awkward wording with the "random aches". For me, it's strange enough that it's just kind of jarring. But you also have a run-on sentence going on, so you'll want to find another wording or split it into two different sentences. Also it's superfluous to say "I stretched my body out" when "I stretched" is all that's necessary.

When I looked around, I shook my head in shock. Images of willow trees, evergreens, shrubs, and trees that I wasn’t sure what kind were they were surrounded me. I heard some kind of loud bird chirping and the scent of wild flowers filled my nose.

In the first sentence you have not so much an awkward wording as an awkward sentence. I would probably rewrite it as "I looked around, shaking my head in shock". When you're writing in the past tense first person, you generally want to avoid beginning sentences with "when", and would more often use "as". It sounds better even as "As I looked around, I shook my head in shock". However, the as isn't necessary. Anyway. The second sentence is very strange, just because it takes a few times to get what you're trying to say here. So I would suggest "Images of willow trees, evergreens, shrubs, and trees of an unknown species surrounded me", or "Images of willows, evergreens, shrubs, and trees I had never seen before, surrounded me". I would avoid using the word "kind", and use the word "type" more as it tends to sound better.

“Evan. More the wonder, who are you?” he retorted with one eyebrow raised.

I've never heard the phrase "more the wonder" before, and it sounds strange. It may sound cliche from the movies, but I would use "the real question is, who are you?"

sky blue eyes

Sky-blue should be hyphenated.

The name sounded like he made it up on the spot.

Better as "The name sounded as if he had made it up on the spot".

Evan’s giggles echoed through the forest. “You can’t leave Daflintonian, silly, at least not until you figure out something that cha’ need to! That’s probably what brought cha’ here in the first place. What do you need to find out, huh?”

I like how Evan's personality comes through his dialect. The one thing I would do is put the apostrophe in "'cha" before the c, as it's more common to see it there.

His smirk grew wide as he replied, “Yes…?”
“What am I supposed to do…?”

The use of ellipses is bad right here (it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine). You shouldn't use ellipses to indicate that they're kind of trailing off (as I think you're trying to do here), and they should especially not be used before a question mark.

Then, he fluttered away, seeming as though he didn’t want to talk anymore.

Probably better as "Then, he fluttered away as if he didn't want to talk any more"

Shutting my eyelids, I saw my dad sitting in his office, typing an important letter to a CEO of a famous company. Then, it flashed to my father watching the football game, cheering for the Bears. I was standing behind him, tapping his shoulder but he didn’t notice me.

Mmkay, well there's nothing wrong here per se, but I think this would be a great place to use some imagery. As it is, her memory of her father is kind of dry. You could spice it up by adding some personality to the father. For example, "I saw my dad, hunched over on his overused keyboard, glassy eyes fixed to the screen".

I opened my eyes again, but Daflintonian was no where to be seen.

"No where" should be "nowhere"

In its place was a familiar, green room and myself tucked in with a navy blue comforter.

Yechhhh. Again, awkward wording. I would probably try and establish that she was in bed/had been dreaming another way.

And once I said that, I could’ve sworn I saw a patch of red curls in the backyard.

Bit strange. I would probably do something more like "As the words tumbled from my lips..." or something like "and at that moment, I could have sworn..."

Overall, I really like the wonderful fairy-tale feeling to the whole work and your imagery. Of course, you had some wording problems, but you should try and weed them out just by reading it out loud after you're done. The only critique I would have, apart from the errors, would be that a lot of your characters (including the narrator) are a bit flat. Apart from Evan, some of the characters don't really have personalities. A good idea for trying to give them a bit of personality is to think of people who you would get to "play" your characters. Think about how they would say something or how they would act or react in a situation. I'm not talking about big decisions that advance the plot, but little reactions, little quirks that they might have that you can describe.
However, in general, I found your grammar to be very good, and I would say that your strongest component is the dialog, so bravo for that.
At any rate, let me know if you find anything I said confusing. =)

Hey Love!

This was a rather sad story! I wasn't expecting to be this sad! I mean, mostly what people do to make things sad is to randomly kill off the main character, but this was more effective for me because everyone knows how it is to be lonely and neglected... so props to you!

Hmm... word limits, eh? That's always a problem! My main suggestion is to make her believe the fairyland much better. Right now, most of the words is just the sprite being sarcastic, which is okay, but I think you might want to focus on the land and how different it is from her world so we get a better idea of the contrast.

A lovely story though! Your teacher will definitely be happy about this one.

LovexPeacexRandomx3 wrote:Please, please review this. It's a schoolwork and I need help with it. It's only aloud up to 3 pages so that's why it's not so detailed, but please help! P.S. Title suggestions?

My eyes fluttered open as I felt random aches in my back, and I stretched my body out. When I looked around, I shook my head in shock. Images of willow trees, evergreens, shrubs, and trees that I wasn’t sure what kind were they were surrounded me. I heard some kind of loud bird chirping and the scent of wild flowers filled my nose. I thought that I had been dreaming, so I pinched my arm. “Ow,” I murmured and rubbed my skin gently.

Nice work , but like anything , it can be improved. I'll focus on the first paragraph because that often seems to be where people make or break their story.

"Random aches" - im not sure about using random here
"I shook my head in shock." - shook and shock just seems a bit awkward here. Perhaps instead of shock , disbelief?
The bit where your character pinches himself/herself is a bit awkward , seeing as the character woke up in pain.

However , I am being very picky. This is pretty good =) , in particular , the rest of the story. Has a good ending too , however , I'm afraid I don't have any ideas on what you could call your story.

This was stupendous, I so loved this LPR3. This was very sad indeed. There is nothing left for me to nitpick on that the others already haven't so all in all it was overall brilliant and such things. Thanks for the read, keep writing and farewell my fellow writer.