I Spy the Spy

here's the start of the only story i have come close to finishing.


January 1st, 1989 Monday.

6:00am Chief Dacoda has worked it all out with the Government. We are to fly to Baltimore. The Government has found out that the requests for Blory goes to an old house. For thous that don't know Blory is a type of drug it's illegal now but the Government is hoping to find uses other than making you feel like a super being. After it wears off the one who takes it feels like they've been sick and still is. We found out that the mail just goes there, a man picks it up than drives off. The man however is always inside which is why some have suggested that its a trick. We have lots of food so we won't need to resupply for about a week. I will write daily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

January 2nd, 1989

7:00am "Wolf Cub! WOLF CUB!"
That's the cry that woke me this Tuesday morning. It's almost a pity it was because I lost lots of sleep, but then I could use some Blory to help me out. The next sentence put a stop to that thought. "The girls have gone to Baltimore."
That's all he said, that's all he needed to say. The girls... that's what we call them when we mean all of them. Yes Cat and her six girls had slipped passed us again, but why Baltimore...
8:30pm I am now on a lane to Baltimore not only to track the girls but also to worn Dr. Vansilin, The maker of Blory about the girls. They are the only teens who don't take Blory in fact they are the only ones opposed to it except the "authorities"
" Welcome to Baltimore Please wait in tell the Captain Has turned off the fasten seat belt sign."


This Story flips between Cat and Wolf Cub. two leaders of opposing gangs. This is just the first Chapter if requested more Chapters will be added.

Talona wrote:For thous ((those))that don't know Blory is a type of drug it's illegal

Talona wrote:After it wears off the one who takes it feels like they've been sick and still is.

This sentence doesn't sound right to me. '...and still is' ?

Talona wrote: We found out that the mail just goes there, a man picks it up than drives off. The man however is always inside which is why some have suggested that its a trick. We have lots of food so we won't need to resupply for about a week. I will write daily.

I'm confused as to what is happening. Every sentence seems to be really different and not working with the previous sentence.

Talona wrote:I am now on a lane to Baltimore not only to track the girls but also to worn Dr. Vansilin, The ((the))maker of Blory((,)) about the girls.

Characters:
Right now I don't know any of the characters at all. I feel absolutely no connection to any of them. I know this is kind of hard because you're writting in a diary format and you can't really have just paragraphs of thoughts and what not as easily. My suggestion? As the MC experiences things and as things happen, clue us in on things from his past; like 'I talked to Bob today and we have been friends for a million years and this one time when I was with him we set a crayon on fire.' Obviously better than that but you get the idea

Overall:
I don't think I've read a diary book on here yet and I'm excited to see what you'll do with it. The plot sounds pretty interesting right now but don't forget to build it up a lot and really get the reader into the story

-Carly

Hello!

This is a really interesting beginning, Talona and I don't think I've read anything like it before. Partly because it's a diary format - which is fairly rare on YWS - and partly because of your plot. Even though I don't know that much about it yet I can already tell that it's going to be very different.

I agree with Carly that the thing you need to work on, I think, is description and characters because right now we don't know anything, the story kind of has me lost. And it's impossible to care about a character if the reader doesn't know them. I actually think that it's easier to do thoughts and description in a diary format because that's really what a diary is, a place to put down your thoughts and emotions and things that aren't suited for the public, right?

So basically, I think you have a good plot here even if I don't really know what it is yet but I'd like to see both Cat and Wolf Cub fleshed out a little more. They're skeletons right now, so put some meat on them bones and make the reader feel what they're feeling.

Looking forward to the next chapter.
-Mars

I like the format. A diary is unique as well as a way to be able to jump from event to event without having to worry about connecting them or making it all flow together (well to an extent.) Getting pieces of the story also leave you reading on, trying to fill in the holes (a good thing.) I feel that the characters need to be a little more developed though. It's hard tor relate and understand the basis of their actions if we do not know why essentially, they do what they do. Perhaps a cop could be a third character we hear from occasionally. He would know both characters, be able to connect separate events, and tell things without taking a said. I like the idea of showing leaders from both of the opposing gangs. It lets us see both sides of the spectrum. However, if there is a way to make it a little more clear of the jumps in character, i have a feeling it might have only been me but I was a tad confused at the beginning. Great story! Can't wait to see how it develops.

tnme22,

Thank you for your review. i will work on the things you have mentioned. i wrote this story when i was about ten years old and am still working on it so that may be why some of the wording seems off, as well as why there isn't much to the characters.
I have many more chapters so there will be more.

Tabitha

Everybody else seems to have covered what is wrong with it, so mostly I will tell you how (in my opinion) to make it better.
First, I think you should pay a little more attention to your punctuation. For example:

Talona wrote:For thous that don't know Blory is a type of drug it's illegal now but the Government is hoping to find uses other than making you feel like a super being.

Try changing that to:

For those that don't know, Blory is a type of drug. It's illegal now, but the Government is hoping to find uses other than making you feel like a super being.

Well placed punctuation will make it easier to read.
Try setting the scene as you move into the action. For example, I know that the story is set in 1989, but I don't have any idea what the world is like in that year. Try to explain it through:
1.) The language that the characters use,
2.) The things that they enjoy, and
3.) the things that are normal for them.

If this was a real diary entry, then the lack of information would be expected. But since you are trying to tell a story through these diary entries, you have to put everything the reader needs to know on the page. Put yourself in your readers place and find out what questions you would be asking. Each of those questions must be answered by the end of the book.
I noticed a little logic problem: Cat said that Blory is illegal, but the closest thing to a reason that she gave is the after-effects of taking it. However, the after-effects aren't dangerous, only uncomfortable. You need a reason for Blory to be illegal. I can understand that you would not think about that if you were ten when you wrote it.

I really like your idea of boys-against-girls. I also like your main idea for the story as a whole. It could make a very good novel, if you will work on it until you are happy with it.
Your idea is good, you plot is good, it is only your technique that needs work. That should be easy for you.
Hurry up and post the rest! I want to read it... (again).